I received the following email from a kind and thoughtful reader. I have no idea if it is original prose or not. But, he was kind enough to send it in response to some of my postings, so I'd like to share it with the other readers.
... read your latest...
... blog post...
... with a bit of identification...
... and more than a bit...
... sadness...
... having been on both...
... the much more often "not able"...
(... too given to wandering to anchor thus...)
... and the longing...
(... sometimes wishing against that wind...)
... ends...
... i know the entirety sucks...
... far, far more than a cheap salve...
... of ill-quoted Tennyson...
... can soothe...
... even if it be sooth adamant...
... and i certainly have not...
... learned where to yield...
... do i submit a wiser mind...
... and a wizened heart...
... or shall i prepare...
... to judge myself a fool...
... if ripened heart is the harvest...
... of conceit indiscriminate...
... and while being content...
... to gather the manna of the day...
... and hope not to carry over...
... may be spiritually mature...
... it seems i may be contentious built...
... truly wanting a long sabbath...
... alas...
... i shall pray found that...
... balance...
... of desire and require...
... so that heart and mind...
... grow strong, fruitful...
... and wish beyond hope...
... that challenges as yours...
... are again presented...
... in the blog here...
l**** Daddyhunt, October 2 at 4:33am
Doing nice things for another, known or unknown, enriches the soul. We are, after all. All in this together. Right?
Boy can I confirm the truth of this statement. It's been over a year since my last relationship ended. You know, the one about which I often write. For all the brave talk of how I understood from the beginning that he was too young (24 when we met), neither ready, nor interested in having a relationship, and that I understood those facts, and when into the relationship anyway. That talk has turned out to be so much hot air.
One of the reasons it ended was his 'need' to not be in a relationship. He had 'things to work out' which he insisted made it (in addition to the things I mentioned above) impossible for him to be in a relationship with romantic or long-term overtones, with me or anybody else. He never really explained why (or more correctly when attempting to explain it, never clearly articulated the reasons) this was the case. Well, apparently it wasn't that he was incapable of being in a relationship...it was that he was incapable of being in a relationship with me.
From the day we met, he made it clear he didn't like Seattle and that he intended to move to Boston, as Boston was his version of, the Emerald City from, 'The Wizard of Oz.' Well, I guess that has turned out to be true. In a year he has conquered all of his issues, is not only ready to be in a relationship, but has apparently been in one for several months. A fact just revealed to me last night.
I am experiencing this revelation as powerfully as if it was the original break up. I didn't sleep last night, I've been on the verge of tears all day. Sigh, this behavior is totally ruining my butch, gruff, military officer persona. The worst thing...I still love him and want nothing but his happiness. Even after arguing on Skype for nearly 3 hours last night, my heart in tatters, those desires remain true.
As with his inability to articulate his reasons for being incapable of being in a relationship, he has been inarticulate in explaining his need for our continued contact. Despite our break up, we've remained very close. We text, email, talk on the phone, and Skype regularly. Almost every contact ends with one or the other of us telling the other how much we miss and still love the other. In order to support this life transition he has made, I've let it be up to him how much contact we have. I am rarely the one to initiate it. Still, as happens in situations like these, there has been the occasional drunk text (or perhaps late night, insomnia-related, exhaustion enduced text) in which I've broken down and declared my continued love and desire for him.
We have both stated that being a couple made each of us a better person. I am glad he feels that way, and I am certainly glad to feel the same. I have a history of dating guys who were 'novices' in relationship, or just coming off a really bad relationship. So the relationship wasn't so much about wanting to be with me, rather it was more about the individuals being surprised that someone could and would love them. I was more representative of something, not the personification of something. That said, I thought this relationship was different. I thought we were together because we wanted to be, not because either of us 'needed' to be. I guess I was wrong.
Okay, as odd as it may seem, I know my anger will dissipate and our relationship will continue it its odd way. I know he has a big place in my life. He has had such a place since we met and he probably will for years to come. He is, for example, coming to Seattle in the near future and I hope to see him then. Granted, I was hoping we'd do more than hang out, but that isn't possible now that he is in love with and committed to someone else. I respect that. I do. I think I know how his boyfriend would feel if he knew Sam was coming here and was going to sleep with me. To this day the idea of someone else having sex with Sam makes me want to throw up. I imagine the new guy would feel the same. I know now that he is serious about someone else, his interest and need for contact with me will diminish, and the memories of our time together, for him will fade. But will I remain always glad to get a text, a phone call, and email, or have a Skype session with him, sure. Because I care about Sam, I am glad he has resolved his 'issues' and is having a happy life.
I've written before about the need for 'daddies' to understand that a relationship with a younger man is likely not a 'forever' relationship. That if one doesn't understand that or isn't strong enough to deal with that fact, perhaps one shouldn't be dating a younger man. I guess when I look at it objectively, it isn't him at whom I am so mad, rather, it is I at whom I am angry. As the old saying goes, 'there is no fool like an old fool.' When he first mentioned that he was coming back for a conference and he wanted to see me (and sleep with me) I was thrilled. I made plans to get a full HIV and STD screening during my upcoming 'old guy' physical. I planned to work out more, have the house cleaned, and the dog groomed, so that we'd all look good for him when he came. How ridiculous is that? I mean, it was kind of silly before, but now knowing he is with someone else, well....
This is where the being an old fool comes in. I don't feel like a fool for loving Sam, I could never feel that way. I certainly am glad that we had our time together. I've never felt so comfortable with anybody, never been so consistently happy, never been more the 'best' of me I could be. I wouldn't change the scenario for the world. Though, I admit, during our argument I said both of those things to try and hurt him. As they say, though, 'if you can't do the time, don't do the crime.' I didn't mean either of those things and he didn't seem to (I hope he didn't) really believe that I meant them. (Author's note: back in the day he occassionally read this blog, so I hope if he reads this entry he will pay attention to this part and the part about our continued contact, and not focus so much on the other stuff.)
As much as I thought I would survive and thrive when he left, it turns out I was wrong. I haven't been on a decent date since he left. As much as I have always enjoyed sex, these days, on the rare occasions I have it, it just doesn't quite measure up...because it is not with him and not the way we did it. The guys have been sexy, the sex (for the most part) has been fine, but the intensity and feelings that Sam and I shared just weren't there.
I am tired of being the 'training wheels' for guys. It isn't what I want and it isn't what I deserve. So, what is about me that attracts guys that seek that and why am I attracted to those guys. I just don't know. And, at my age, it is humiliating and embarrassing not to know. I feel like your time together was more of a 'fad' for him than anything else, sort of like the interest in vegan cooking, late night jazz clubs, having a full cocktail bar, being a child advocate, etc. I mean, he was sincere in each one of those fads, until he wasn't. Sam keeps telling me that I am spinning our relationship in the worst possible light. He keeps insisting that he did love me, that I was important to him, and that I remain so. Maybe he is right. Maybe I am just not mature enough (despite my advanced age) or far enough away from the situation to see those things as being true. I just don't understand how can he so easily and quickly have made the transition from loving me, to loving someone else. I haven't been able to do so. I told him last night (well, I didn't express it exactly this way, but...) that I felt like a character from the book, "He's just not into you." A character whose boyfriend breaks up with them because he just isn't 'ready', then three months later the character learns he is engaged. Whether or not he is right or I am, my logic and emotional systems just can't understand it. Perhaps I never will, which leaves me with the impression that our relationship wasn't serious to him and that there is clearly something wrong with me. I am trying to see his side of the argument, but I just can't.
I wrote in a recent post that it wasn't so much that I was looking for love, or seeking to be loved, as I was looking to give love. I guess I was wrong. Or, perhaps, not quite right. Am I glad that he still 'loves' me, sure. Am I, despite my inability to see it, glad that I remain important to him, sure. But when is it my turn to be someones 'the one?' When do I get to stop being the relationship training wheels for others? I am beginning to think that time will never come. As much as I try to remain positive, at my age, I am not sure I have the emotional strength or physical energy to keep putting myself out there. What is it they say, "what is the definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and yet expecting a different result."
At least, that is what THIS DADDY thinks.
Billy Joe Shaver is a Texas country music singer and songwriter. Shaver's 1973 album Old Five and Dimers Like Me is a classic in the outlaw country genre.
I've often wondered. The older I get (and boy am I old, I turn 50 a month from now), it seems the younger the lads get. Having been back in the dating pool for over a year now (though at the shallowest end of the pool) the only guys from whom I receive any attention are guys young enough to be my son. Seriously, I get hit on by guys who are 20 or 21...there was even one young sailor, 19 years old, who expressed interest in getting into my pants.
Now, I prefer younger guys, of course, and Sam was 24 when we met (I was 46). But Sam is a special, 'young' man, so the vast age difference wasn't a real issue for us. He wasn't looking for a parent, he didn't want someone to 'take care' of him. He wanted to have sex with me because he found me sexy, not because I was 'nice' or 'stable', etc. It, the age difference, had ramifications, of course (he didn't want to introduce me as his boyfriend to some of his friends for fear they'd think it was too weird he was dating an old dude, his compulsion to move to Boston for graduate school because he 'had' to do so, etc.), but it (the age difference) didn't really have an impact on our day to day lives together. It didn't interfere. We were just as attracted to each other the day we parted as the day we met, we still loved being together, the sex was still fulfilling, etc. Those things said, though, I am more than willing and anxious to acknowledge that under most circumstances, a 22 year age difference (when the younger guy is in his 20's and the older one in his 40's) is not the best marker of a successful, long term relationship.
So, my question is: where are the hot guys in their late 20's to late 30's who were 'boys' at 21? Are they all taken? Are they no longer interesting in 'boying'? I can't figure it out. As I've written before, I think guys can continue to be boyish into their 40's. My ex (the one who lives 80 feet away from the little house on the Big Lake), at 45, is still quite boyish. I recently went on a date with a really hot Brazilian boy, aged 39 and he is very boyish...okay, he does have a bald spot, but still. He was boyish as all get out.
So, where do all the 'older' boys go? As someone approaching the big 50, I am acutely aware that my dating options, whether I like it or not, are dwindling. But, I still think I have a great deal to offer. I am a much better person than I was at 30 (ask Sam, he'll confirm it for you). I am calmer, more patient, much easier going. I have a nice home (messy and a bit down at heel, but still nice), a good job, a crazy dog, etc. One would think I'd be a hot commodity. Heck, if I was a straight guy, I'd have chicks crawling all over me.
I am not now, nor was I when I met Sam, expecting to have a 'serious' relationship with someone more than a generation younger than myself. It was a surprise to me that the best relationship I'd ever had was with someone so much younger and so different. But, as I said, that was a special case and Sam is a special young man. I am not living on pins and needles awaiting another hot 24 year old, with a hot ass, nice feet, who is a total bottom, and loves to call me, 'Daddy' during special intimate moments. If I was, I'd likely be setting myself up for disappointment. No matter what the age, finding a great love is hard.
Is it unrealistic to think that there are tall, skinny, bottom boys in their 30's, with nice feet and nice asses around? I shouldn't be. But for some odd reason I am finding it so.
In a few weeks I turn 50. Turning 50 is sort of a major milestone, a least in our culture. For me this milestone is made even more poignant by the recent death of an old and cherished friend.
Mo and I knew each other for nearly 30 years. When we met as young sailors, each just leaving active duty to join the reserves. We could not have been more different...me: short, stocky, homely, loud, obnoxious, impetuous, gay as a goose; him: tall, slender, blond, handsome, calm, poised, elegant, yet we became friends. As the years passed, our military careers sometimes intersected (we both became reserve officers) and diverged (I changed career fields, he returned to active duty), yet, we always close.
Mo is the one who taught me to love beer and baseball. We were there for each other through successful relationships and not so successful relationships. As the years past, we became mature sailors, our military careers flourishing. Yet in some small way we remained, at least when together, the young sailors we felt ourselves to be in our hearts. We talked about the Navy's Core Values (Honor, Courage, Commitment), values he exemplified. We talked beer and baseball. We talked about leadership and mentorship. We had many a long discussion about how screwed up is the Navy (at least sometimes) and the ways in which we just knew we could make the Navy better, if they'd just appoint put us in charge. While the Navy, she is a harsh mistress, we both loved her with a passion. As we neared retirement, we looked forward, as old sailors tend to do, to drinking beer, watching baseball, and sharing old sea stories with each other.
Alas, that will not happen. Brave, humble, poised, showing grace until the end, he passed away in the arms of Virginia, the love of his life last Friday.
I found out he was ill in January, ironically at the funeral of another old shipmate. Not wanting to worry us (the 'us' being me and some other close Navy buddies) he pulled us aside and said, "I know this is an awkward time, but I am not sure when I'll see you all at the same time in the same place. But, I have to tell you, I have cancer." We were all shocked. He was as tall and handsome as ever. He was calm and upbeat about his prognosis. He assured us we needn't worry. He'd keep in touch and let us know how he was doing. As recently as March, when I had them (Maurice and Virginia) over to dinner, he looked good. Playing down his illness, positive he could win his battle with cancer, he was as funny and joyful as always.
It was a surprise, therefore, to receive a text from Virginia in June telling me he'd been in the hospital for 9 days and might not leave it. She encouraged me to visit him. Visit him I did. Ironically, my office is located in the building next to and attached to the hospital in which he was staying. He was literally just about 200 yards down the hallway from where I work. I took great advantage of that closeness. I tried to visit every day, two or three times a day. We laughed, we told stories, we talked beer and baseball, and we laughed some more. We did all the things we hoped to do together as old sailors.
As the days passed, he weakened. Yes, as he did everything, he dealt with the progression of his illnes with grace and poise. When asked he had any unfinished business, his response (so, I am told), "No, I've had a wonderful life." Later, when told there was nothing else to be done, he thanked his doctors and other caregivers for their efforts on his behalf.
Still mentally aware, he actively discussing options (home hospice care, movement to a treatment center, etc.) with his family. His goal, to spend as much time as remained with those he loves. One day, while visiting, I was talking to his family and sort of out of the side of my mouth gently teasing him, 'You KNOW how bossy he is...' and such. Exhausted, lying in bed, eyes closed, he'd been listening to every word, still capable of grinning at being teased.
When I was leaving, his parents came to speak with me. They started to talk about funeral arrangements and
such. He was to receive, as he well deserves, a funeral with full military honors. While I appreciated knowing the plans and moved by how he wants his wishes carried I was also not willing to give in. So, I told his parents, "The last time I wore my Blues was to the funeral of another old friend. I know I'll need to have them cleaned and pressed, so I look sharp at Maurice's funeral (he'd never forgive me if I didn't.) But, I am unwilling to take them to the cleaners just yet, as that seems like sending a karmic message of defeat. I don't want to do it until I have to. And, right now, I don't and I am planning still being at least a while before I do." I am not really sure any of us knew how soon it would turn out to be.
When I last saw him, he remained mentally aware, but had very little energy. He was spending most of his time lying in bed, with his eyes closed. During my time there, he woke from a deep sleep (I could tell he was asleep, because he was jerking like a dog does when he has 'doggy dreams'), but remained lying back with his eyes closed. I said, "Maurice, are you awake?" His eyes popped open and he cracked, "God, I hope so" then smiled and went back to sleep. This was to be the last time we spoke.
As the life of any military officer, your personal life takes a back seat to your professional life. In this case, as his illness reached its end, I was sent by the Navy on active duty in Hawaii. Before I was to leave, I told him I would be away for a few weeks and that he needed to promise me that he'd still be around when I came home. As these things happen, his poor body wore out and he died before the end of my tour.
While it was suggested that I cut my trip short, I know that Mo would never forgive me for shirking my duty by leaving my assignment early, even to attend the funeral of a valued and beloved friend. So, I'll be on watch, well, just having completed a 12 hour mid-watch, when his services occur. I've already spoken to Virginia and told her that I'll be observing a moment of silence to coincide with the services. It seems the least I can do to honor my old friend.
So, what do you do when the person you always wanted to be when you grow up dies? I wish I could tell you. I could spout a bunch of cliches about finding joy in some form or another every day. I could tell you to hug the ones you love and remember to tell them how much you love them as often as you can. Death affects us each differently and we experience differently with each one that occurs and at which age it is when we experience it. Perhaps when I've had more time to process my friend's passing, I'll have more sage advice to give. At the moment though, other than to spout the above cliches, I don't.
At least, that is what THIS DADDY thinks.
Uploaded by TraavikInfo on Feb 1, 2012
A-ha's eternal pop evergreen performed by young accordeon players from KUM SONG School, filmed in Pyongyang, North Korea december 2011. Part of multi-genre project THE PROMISED LAND by director and artist MORTEN TRAAVIK.
Oh, for those of you who won't get the connect, don't worry about it. It is an inside joke between Maurice and I. He'd get it and laugh and laugh and laugh. Fair winds and following seas, my friend.
by: RobHeartsDH, published on the website, "Daddyhunt"
New York City is probably one of the best places for a gay man to be
single. It's also one of the worst to be single and looking for a
serious relationship. Then again, I thought that Pittsburgh was a
terrible place to be a single relationship seeking gay man, and now it's
on a list of the Top 10 Cities Where Gay Singles Are Looking For Marriage And Kids.
Keep in mind, this list doesn't tell you the best places to secure a
man seeking a serious relationship, but rather where the men are looking
for one. Whether it's lack of options or lack of focus, it seems that
all the friends I talk to around the world are unhappy with where they
live in regards to being a single gay man. I've thought about leaving
NYC more than a few times, but wonder if the city is really the problem.
So I ask, do you feel that where you live has negatively or positively affected your dating life?
AB-SO-LUT-EL-Y! Every city or region seems to have both a 'type' and a requirement to either live up to that type or to find that type appealing. When I was stationed at Pearl Harbor, for example, I'd be at Hulu's (the sort of 'main' gay bar there, at least when I lived there) and I would frequently run into Haoles (non-locals) just moved to the Islands from the Mainland complaining that they weren't interested in dating, 'orientals.' Okay, ignoring the fact these Haoles were being racist by using a word which describes carpets to describe people, exacerbated by the fact that they were lumping people of all sorts of different ethnic types into some kind of amalgamation, they were basically excluding a large majority of the folks they were likely to meet from their dating options. Face it, Hawaii has a lot of Hapa (mixed race) or Pacific Rim guys. Just like Miami is full of hot Cubanos or Latinos and Atlanta is full of hot African-American guys, Honolulu is full of hot Pacific Rim or Hapa guys.
I have a similar experience now that I live in the little house by the big lake here in Seattle, except I am now the one living in the place where there are few of the types of guys I find appealing and lots of guys I don't. Seattle is Bear-central. The 'look' here is stocky, hairy, 10 years older than you are, balding with a beard (or heaven forbid a goatee) worn to hide a double chin or make up for some perceived lack of masculinity. Not my thing at all. Not. Did I mention that Bears aren't my thing? First, before the flaming starts, let me make it clear: there is nothing wrong, nor do I intend to suggest there is anything wrong with Bears or bearish guys. Not one little thing. As a bearish guy myself, I am glad as heck that some guys find thick, furry, older guys appealing. I just don't happen to be one of them. Again, Bears (or chubs or older) DOES NOT EQUAL BAD. Those types are just not to my tastes. That said, you should read and hear the abuse that I take when I am online or if I post a personal ad seeking social interactions for living in a Bear town and not finding Bears appealing, especially since I am bearish myself. The mania and sensitivity around Bears and the focus on them here borders on the bizarre. If you have the gaul to admit you aren't into bearish guys, you are immediately accused of only being into twinks (as if there were only two types of guys) and somehow thinking you are all that and a bag of chips. If I didn't live here and hadn't experienced it for myself, I'd never believe it. In Seattle older is not encouraged to date younger; smooth are not encouraged to date hairy; opposites of any kind are strictly forbidden to date. It is the RULE. Okay, a short Bear is sometimes allowed to date a tall one, but that is about the extent of the 'flexibility' found here.
So, yes, living in Seattle and the culture and 'look' that exists here have a major impact on dating for me. They always have (before you ask: I've lived here much of my adult life...state job, elderly parents, (former) partner, little house by the big lake, etc. are what keep me here) and likely always will. Seattle is a notoriously cold and unfriendly place, polite, yes, friendly no. I think it has to do with the high tech environment here...people who flock here just feel more comfortable chatting online or texting rather than dealing with each other in person. So you add that to the restrictive 'type' orientation here, and bingo...dating sucks.
Dating is hard anyplace. But, boys and girls, I defy you to find a place where dating is harder than it is here in Seattle. I dare you,
How often is it that you hear a song or see a movie that evokes experiences memories of your real life? I don't know about you, but to me it happens all the time.
It happened to me the other night when I was watching, "The Graham Norton Show." This episode featured, "The Scissor Sisters." Not having been a big fan, I didn't expect to enjoy seeing them perform on the show. Yet, from the minute the song started I got a big smile on my face. The song, "Baby Come to Me." Why?Well, it brought back all of those times while I lay in bed waiting for Sam (my now former young man) to come home from carousing with his friends or co-workers. You'd think those would be unhappy memories, but not really. Because as the song says, "...it don't matter 'cause I know that you love me."
Let me make one thing clear, very paternal, I am a worrier by nature. It is a trait I seem to have adopted from my Mom. Not always a good one, I admit...but still, there is it. Sam and I used to argue about this all time. He'd be out socializing with his friends, while I'd be at home, lying in bed not able to sleep, worrying that he was lying dead in a ditch some place. Silly, true, but real too.
I wasn't a hip, young, dude, even when I was a hip, young, dude. I don't enjoy clubbing. I never have and likely never will. I've never understood why the gay social hour doesn't even start until 2300. It didn't make sense to me when I was young and it makes even less sense to me now. Having been in the Navy for over 30 years, I've spent more than my share of long nights awake (working), so the idea of staying up until 0300 for 'fun' just isn't fun for me. Not when there is a warm, comfortable bed waiting for me.
Logically, I knew that Sam was out having fun with his friends, dancing, drinking, listening to jazz, whatever. Still like other guys, I'd still have those occasional 'old dude home in bed, while his young buck is out partying' insecurities. Then, I'd hear those cabinet doors slamming down in the kitchen or the clomping on the stairs as he climbed the stairway leading up to my bedroom and I'd be filled with relief. Relief and happiness. See, unlike in previous relationships, I knew that whatever he might be out doing, even if it was something about which I might not approve, he would still be coming home to me.
A smart man has confidence that he is loved, even if acting a tad
insecure now and then. He shouldn't expect a lad young enough to be his son to stay home every Saturday night and be in bed by 2300. Nor, honestly, should he try to party like he did in 1999 when he himself was a young buck, if that isn't his inclination. All that does is create frustration and cause tension in a relationship.
I've seen too many May/December relationships where one or the other partner is 'required' to do things he might not be inclined to do. The old dude, tries to keep up with the young one, because he is too insecure and worried up to what his lad might be. Or, the younger dude expects the old dude to party all the time.
Of course, these sorts of things are what compromise in a relationship is all about. But there is a difference between compromising and giving up completely your needs to try and satisfy the insecurities of your partner. In every relationship, both parties need to have at least a few of their own interests and a few of their own friendships.
So, while it might not make any sense, thinking of those times makes me smile. Sure, at the time I was perhaps grumpy and stressed and might have let that show, but I was always glad to see him, any time, any place. Isn't that how it is supposed to be? Seems like it to me.
God willing, I'll get to lay in bed, wishing my baby would come home to me again sometime in the future. Not likely, granted. But there is always hope, right?
Really? I beg to differ. Not to ruin my butch, military officer, daddy-like persona, but nobody enjoys a good appletini more than do I. I was introduced to them after a change of command ceremony by the wife of one of my shipmates. While normally I am a beer guy, sometimes a girlie drink just satisfies. I mean, come on. Admit it. Sometimes one of those drinks with the little umbrellas just hits the spot. So just why is it okay, therefore, for, 'Men's Health' to tell me I am lacking in masculinity, because sometimes I enjoy a Cosmopolitan rather than a Fat Tire?
I hate it when others decide to define what is 'man-like' and what is not. Like sexuality, masculinity follows a spectrum. Perhaps some of us are on the 'butcher' end of the spectrum and perhaps others are on the 'nellier' end of the spectrum. But, if we are male, we are by definition masculine.
I've written before about how much I hate stereotypes. Yes, communities like ours tend to branded with them and to use them against ourselves. I mean, how many of us are guilty of thinking that all lesbians are fat, hairy, man-hating, male wannabes, who have hairy legs and only wear flannel? Well, okay, that stereotype is probably a little more accurate than others, but you get what I mean (lesbians...you KNOW how they are. Ew, gross...I mean, for heaven's sake, why would anyone...ooops, sorry, I digress). It is a sign of insecurity and lack of maturity to perpetuate a stereotype. It is a sign of something worse to use these stereotypes against others, especially others of our own kind, in order to shame them.
These days there is a lot of talk in the media about bullying. What is one of the primary reasons young LGBT teens get bullied? It is the perception they act in a stereotypical way (either girlie for young boys or butch for young girls). So, if it is bullying for young straight boys, insecure in their manhood, to bully other young boys they perceive as 'fags,' how much worse it is when we do this to our own kind? Talk about self-loathing or internalized homophobia.
At one point, Sam (my former young man) commented to me that he was surprised I found him appealing because he wasn't very 'masculine'. I took umbrage immediately. Sure, Sam is a lot 'softer' than am I, being a more politically correct, hip, young gayboi, and perhaps a bit further towards the less butch end of the spectrum than am I, but he is definitely all male, and therefore masculine. He works out like a fiend. He enjoys a range of other, 'masculine' activities. Bathing is not a priority for him. He doesn't care that much how he dresses. Sometimes he may act a tad nelly (just a tad, I admit) but he is all boy, trust me. And, who amongst us doesn't have a flame that sometimes shines brighter than others?
We demean and diminish ourselves when we buy into the stereotype foisted upon the media. It is a sign of strength and maturity when we do not do so. Sure, like others, I have my own issues and my own insecurities, as do we all. But one thing I am not insecure about is my masculinity. I believe we all should be, no matter at what end of spectrum it is at which we might find ourselves.
Dedicated to the most perfect cocktail....
THE MARTINI.
This
song is inspired in the music of TOM JOBIM and LES BAXTER , and a
tender tribute to my soul hero RICHARD WRIGHT . Most of the arrangements
were recorded using propellerhead software to put down sounds as
MELLOTRONS, MELLOTRON 8 VOICE CHOIR, MINIMOOG AND ACOUSTIC GUITARS.
Author's note: sometimes
it is good to go back and revisit previous writings to see if they still
hold up and to see if, given perspective (and wider readership), new
questions or comments will arise from readers. Over the next couple of
weeks I'll be re-running some pieces from the early days of my blog, in
addition to some new pieces, so some long term readers may have already
read the re-runs. Whether or not you've done so, I encourage you to
comment on either the new or old pieces.
POINT: NOTE TO HUNTERS #2: NOT ALL DADDIES ARE THE SAME (TASTES, INTERESTS, NEEDS, DESIRES) Gay culture, not unlike other cultures, is often perceived to be all about stereotypes. This is never truer than in any of the 'named' cultures (Bear, Leather, S&M, etc.). The ‘Daddy/Hunter’ community is no different. As a Daddy who spends a lot of time, much too much time, I have to admit, online chatting, I get frustrated when I hear perfectly attractive and high quality Hunters bemoaning the fact they can’t find a Daddy to date because they aren’t…insert stereotypical ‘boy’ requirement here: young, slender, smooth, tall, athletic, etc. Really, boys and girls, Daddies don't all expect, require, or desire the same things. All you need to do is spend 5 minutes perusing the Daddy profiles online, preferably on Daddyhunt, of course, but online on any Daddy/Hunter site will do, to see that, just like Daddies exist in all different shapes and sizes, Daddies have every different kind of taste and interest imaginable. You can find profiles of Daddies looking for girlie boys, masculine boys, tall boys, short boys, hairy boys, smooth boys, smart boys, shy boys, rough boys, boys of color, and on and on and on. Sure, lots of Daddies seem to prefer only younger, smoother, etc., but not all. Not every Daddy lives up to the presumed stereotype. Not all Daddies spend their entire lives chronically in search of some 'perfect' boy who meets some idealized, unrealistic standard. Okay, I admit, Daddies do tend to prefer that the Hunters they desire find older guys appealing, but then, who of us doesn’t want to be thought of as sexy? I know THIS DADDY certainly does. Not all Daddies have some unreasonable expectation that any boy they pursue be both perfect and static (i.e. always looking young and hot, etc.). Okay, stereotypes exist for a reason. Sometimes, maybe more than sometimes, people live up to one stereotype or another. Most people don’t. The trick is finding a way for the ‘right’ Daddy to meet the ‘right’ Hunter. That is the beauty of online communities like Daddyhunt. Such venues are safe places where we can share information about who we are, what we seek, and what it is we have to offer, affording us unique opportunities to form connections with those with whom we have complimentary interests. So, buck up, boys and girls, it has worked for me, it can work for you. I promise.
At least that is what THIS DADDY thinks.
(Written for and submitted for publication by www.daddyhunt.com. Publication pending. http://www.daddyhunt.com/blog)
The Hollies - Have you ever loved somebody
Uploaded by rebecca241290 on Jul 27, 2008
COUNTER POINT: NOTE TO DADDIES #2: NOT ALL HUNTERS ARE THE SAME (TASTES, INTERESTS, NEEDS, DESIRES). As THIS DADDY has said before, gay culture, not unlike others, is often all about stereotypes. The ‘Daddy/Hunter’ community is certainly no different. Ironically, just as Daddies are often tarred with the notion that they are only interested in dating Twinks, Hunters are often tarred with the notion that they are only interested in dating Daddies who look like Tom Selleck, drive BMW’s, live in lofts, have the financial resources to jet a Hunter to Manhattan on a whim to shop for Prada. This is a load of bunkum. Just as Daddies have a multitude of tastes and desires, so do Hunters. I don’t know about you, boys and girls, but many times I’ve been online chatting, and have seen some Daddy saying some self-deprecating, negatives things about himself. Things like, ‘oh, at my age, my dating life is over’, ‘oh, I am not rich enough or successful enough to find a Hunter’, ‘Oh, I am HIV positive, nobody decent will ever want to date me again.’ As much as I hate to admit it, THIS DADDY himself has been guilty of this kind of negative self-talk. It is easy to fall into this trap. But it is a trap, my fellow Daddies, a deep, dark trap into which you must not allow yourself to fall. I was single for over 3 years after a very serious 10 year relationship, which ended very badly, before I found myself in a new relationship. Having given up on the idea of ever having a serious relationship again, I met a nice young man on Daddyhunt (wow, who’d a thunk it?) Neither of us expected anything serious to come of it, but, as these things sometimes happen, something serious did. If it could happen to me, it could certainly happen to you. Sending out a message that reeks of desperation, or having a piss-poor, negative attitude about yourself, those are things likely to prevent you from being successful at dating. Realizing what it is you have to offer, being confident in who you are, those are things that are likely to help you a quality Hunter with whom you can share your life. At least that is what THIS DADDY thinks.
The Hollies - A Taste Of Honey
Uploaded by KeatonsAnnex on Mar 12, 2008
"In Concert" 1969.
I was asked to go on a date the other day. Not a hook up, not a coffee date...an honest-to-goodness date, date. I had a nice time, it even ended with a kiss, a rather chaste kiss on the lips, and an offer of future dates. It, the experience, was very quaint and very sweet. He even followed up over the weekend with a couple of texts. Isn't that how dating is supposed to be?
Tall, younger (27), nice smile, artsy, genuine, intellectual, a tad full
of himself (on the surface, but with a boyish, impressionable quality beneath), he is an artist, after all, my date had
that whole, 'hip, young, gay, I buy all of my clothes at Goodwill, 'nerd/hippy boy' thing that I seem to find
so appealing these days.
So, what was the problem? He was too much like Sam (my former young man who moved away for graduate school at the end of last summer) and yet, not enough like Sam.
I miss Sam every day, even after all this time. Sometimes I feel like a ridiculous, old man for continuing to moon over a lad young enough to be my son (he just turned 28) who, after nearly three happy years together, found going away to graduate school more important than life with me. I mean, one can always get into graduate school, one can't always fall in love. Anyway...for heaven's sake, I still have the last towel he used to shower the day he moved away hanging on the back of the door in my bathroom. I came home the other day and a car just like the one he'd owned before he moved was parked in what had been his usual spot...I blanched. Sometimes when it is late at night and I am nearly asleep, I hear a noise that to my sleep-clouded mind sounds like him puttering around downstairs and I lie there, half asleep, waiting to hear his footfalls on the stairs. Sam has many wonderful qualities, gracefulness, alas, is not one of them. How someone can make so much noise just walking up a set of stairs barefoot, I'll never know. But, I digress.
Do I begrudge Sam his need to lead his own life, no. Am I happy (for him) that he is enjoying his new life in Boston, yes. Do I avoid looking at his Facebook page because I don't want to see pictures of him (or read about him) with some new romantic interest...absolutely. The thought of such makes me retch.
Am I glad that we had our time together, yes. Would I change a minute of it, no. Is it okay for me to be a sappy, ridiculous old man, yes. Well, at least as long as I don't wallow in my sorrow, or use it as an excuse to become a hermit. A little sentimentality would seem to be okay.
So, what about my date with the lad from the other night? The verdict is still out. He is a very nice, young man, with a beautiful smile. Did I have the sort of 'bang' that was my experience with Sam, no. At the moment we are trading texts about a painting he has offered to do for me. I look forward to seeing with what he comes up. Will we go out on a date again? Perhaps. Am I perhaps not ready to date yet, no matter how much I tell myself I should be? I am starting to think so.
At least, that is what THIS DADDY thinks.
Rival Sons, 'Face of Light', from,'Pressure & Time', released June 20, 2011 in the UK and was released in the US on June 28, 2011 through U.S. independent label Earache Records.
As you may know, Dan Savage is under attack for some anti-Christian comments he made recently. Whilst reading the, 'The Daily Beast' today, I came across an article entitled, "Is Dan Savage the Gay Santorum?
I read the Mr. Michaelson's article and found his perspective refreshing. I did not, however, find many of the comments he received refreshing in the least. To answer his question, yes, Dan Savage is the gay Santorum.
Below are my comments in response the flaming posts appearing in the, "Comments" section below the article:
Anyone who has known of Mr. Savage from the early days is
not surprised by his comments. His
views, at least anecdotal to my experience here in Seattle, are shared by many
younger gay, 'activists.' I once walked
out of a gay bingo event (back when that was cool) being held in a synagogue,
ironically during an Easter weekend. Mr.
Savage was the MC and went on and on saying rude, denigrating things about
Christians and Christianity. It seems to
be part of his ‘shtick.’ I have found
him revolting ever since. I had a
similar experience while doing volunteer work with an AIDS organization in
town. A local progressive church had let
our group use one of their rooms for a meeting/social event. The hip, young, uber-politically gay folk
immediately upon walking into the sanctuary, set up the bar on the alter (on
the alter for heaven’s sake) and then spent the next 20 minutes or so making
fun of Christians and Christianity, all the while knowing that I, one of the
longest-serving volunteers and a church going man, was sitting there. These
people were, I thought, my friends and comrades. I was wrong. I finally stood up, gave them hell and walked
out, with them shaking their heads, still not getting about what it was that I
was upset. This sort of behavior would
never, EVER occur in a similar setting in a mosque, or temple, or a
synagogue. It seems totally appropriate
in the gay community to denigrate Christianity while remaining very sensitive
and politically correct about other faiths.
I get it. Christianity (well,
more correctly uneducated Christians using the bible incorrectly) seems
anti-gay. I get it. But really, is Islam or Judaism any more
accepting? No. So why the hypocrisy, who knows? I didn’t understand it then and I don’t
understand it now. This insistence on an
anti-Christianity gay, ‘orthodoxy’ is ridiculous. It just is. It does a great deal of damage
the community’s reputation. Nobody
respects a hypocrite. Mr. Savage is
taking a pounding for preaching about tolerance and then being publicly and
aggressively intolerant,. That happens
when one is a hypocrite. The gay
community does the same thing when holding Christianity in lower esteem than
other religions. You hear the expression
sometimes in Christian churches, “Hate the sin, not the sinner.” Perhaps in this context, it might be better
to, “hate the Christian, not the Christianity.”
At least then you’d be giving that same kind of respect given to a
belief system held by millions of people (gay and straight) around the
world. Which, agree with it or not, don’t you think, just as do the others, it
deserves?
When Bob Marley returned to Jamaica from the United States in 1967, The Wailers
started their own label, ‘Wail'n Soul'm’ records, and released their
first independent single "Freedom Time" backed with "Bend Down Low."
"Nice Time," "Hypocrites," "Mellow Mood," "Thank You Lord," and "Stir It
Up" are all recorded in the same year.
