DatingAdvice.comhasnamed, "Buck Up, Princess," as one of the year's "10 Best Intergenerational Dating Sites." The rankings were published this morning. DatingAdvice.com describes, "Buck Up, Princess" as, 'Bragging Rights:breaks beyond the stereotype of the “daddy.” Buck Up, Princess offers dating advice specifically aimed at the gay community, authored from the perspective of an older man interested in younger men. With a funny and proud approach, the site offers a fuller view in a community where May-December pairings are quite common. Topics like “There’s No Fool Like an Old Fool” detail the joys and hardships that often accompany love.'
Lately I've been experiencing more of the hardships than the joys when it comes to love. Ironically, this emphasis on the hardships has made me hesitant about writing. Nobody wants to read downbeat, egomaniacal drivel all the time. But, it is true that the goal is to present a warts and all view of dating intergenerationally. I just there are some, '...and all' experiences on their way, rather than those involving warts. At least, that is what THIS DADDY thinks.
It is hard for me to admit but I recently had a bit of a an emotional meltdown. At my age (50), you'd think I'd have everything figured out to the point that this sort of stuff no longer happened to me. Alas, I can't speak for other old dudes, but this old dude clearly doesn't have it all figured out.
While away on Annual Training (reserve speak for the 'two weeks' military reservists are required to perform every year), the loss of my relationship with Sam (my former, young man) hit me like a sledge hammer. Crazy, I know. I mean, it has been almost two years (16 August is the second anniversary of our parting of the ways), but I still miss the big dork and what we shared every day. Every single, gosh darned day.
Okay, there were multiple factors that led up to the meltdown: exhaustion (working 12 hour shifts, sleeping...or not as was the case...in a noisy, hot barracks room); sick (I have asthma. Whenever I travel someplace where I shuttle between air conditioned work and living spaces...we don't DO air conditioning here in Seattle...I get a respiratory infection); being called 'stupid' by a subordinate but still. I was completely shocked at the extend of the meltdown.
So, what set the event off? Whilst looking up pictures of my house on Facebook (I am having an extensive energy renovation conducted and I needed to answer a question by the contractor about the new windows I'd ordered), I unintentionally clicked on Sam's Facebook page. While I am hardly a Luddite, I am not good with the technology including the Facebook, so I often
miss-click on stuff unintentionally, when I am trying to do something
else.
What did I see? I saw his profile picture...a picture which includes his new boyfriend. When I saw it, I blanched. During our time together, I never
appeared in his profile picture, nor was I ever referenced as having
meant anything more important to him than being just a friend. My first
thought, irrational, though it may have been, was that he loves the new guy more then he'd ever loved me, that his relationship with him is more
important, more enriching, just plain, 'more' than was ours. I have no
rational reason nor right to be upset about this, I just was. Ridiculous,
I know. Silly, unreasonable, borderline irrational, still I almost
burst into tears whilst sitting at my watch station. I literally had to get up, walk out of the building in which I was working, into the parking lot, so that I could weep. Which I did, on and off for about three hours.
I hate
doing things which I worry will damage what respect he has for
me. I mean, it was my butch, military officer/Daddy persona with which he fell in love. Not the emotionally scarred weepy little bitch like which I was acting.
Since he left, my romantic life has been to say the least, 'unfulfilling.' This lack of fulfillment, causes me, to reminisce about the old days. How happy I was and how much I lost when he went away to graduate school. Seeing his so happy and playful with his new boyfriend, made me feel as if our time together had become but a distant, blurry
memory of an insignificant, transitory period in his life.
I try to avoid doing stuff that will enhance my appearance as a
ridiculous, old man hung up on a romance long ended. But, I don't always succeed.
I am very happy for him and glad for his personal and professional success. I am proud of him and wouldn't change, even with all of the pain I continue to feel over its ending, a second of our time together. During our time together, I truly did love him with all of my heart. And, to some extent I always will. I am glad that his life
has moved on, but in my weaker moments, I worry that he no longer remembers the passion and
intimacy we shared. I also get that the context of our relationship has
changed, so he's moved passed having the rare feeling of missing
me, or waking up, wishing it was me lying next to him.
Unfortunately for me, though, I haven't been as
successful at moving passed those things. On a day like the one on which I had my meltdown, I sure
wish that I had. My therapist tells me that I cannot predict the future. Perhaps I will find love again. I hope so. But as time passes, it seems ever less likely.
In a recent conversation, when discussing this stuff, Sam made some comment along the lines of, 'okay, you aren't having success at dating now....' What he can't understand, being so young, is that at this age, 'now' is what of which I most have. Finding love at any age is hard. At this stage in my life, realistically, there aren't that many years left for me to keep having extended periods of singleness.
Don't get me wrong, as that wise prophet, Whitney Houston once wrote, "I'd rather be alone than unhappy." I would, really. But lately it doesn't seem like I have much choice in the matter.
At least (today, anyway) that is what THIS DADDY thinks.
Living in Seattle as I do, I can confirm that the reputed 9 months of dreary rain does wears on me. Contrary to popular belief, it doesn't rain EVERY day for nine months and most of the time when it is 'raining,' it is really just gray and/or drizzly. Still, month upon month upon month does take its toll.
This Summer has been kind of unique: we've had great weather basically since May. I mean, sunny, warm, clear, dry. It's been great. Of course, the two weeks I spent on Active Duty down in San Diego were two of the most glorious weeks of such weather up here and two of the gloomiest, muggiest, down there.
Anyway, it has been a little rainy this last couple of days, sort of a preview of the upcoming Fall. Oddly, for someone who wearies of the rain, I've been happy to see it. The garden at little house at the big lake has been calling for some moisture. Since I try to be green, I avoid watering if at all possible.
The reason I bought the little house at the big lake, despite the decrepit shape it was in and despite the fact that my ex lives only 80 feet away, was the great view of the big lake from my bedroom. I am not 'on' the big lake, alas, but my house being located at the highest point in the street, I see above the houses and trees located between my house and the big lake. Granted, the lesbians recently ruined part of my view. But then, you KNOW how are those guys. All in all, the view is great. I can literally see the big lake while lying in bed, without even having to raise my head much above the pillow.
A city renown for its rainy
climate, Seattle and environs rarely experience thunder and lightning. So when
it happens, it is sort of a treat. The other night such a treat
occurred.
I was awakened in the middle of the night, probably by the crazy dog with whom I share the little house. Awake, looking up from
bed, I could see across the big lake and off into the foothills, shrouded in clouds. Behind the clouds, I could see flashes of lightning. It was eerie and beautiful.
I only wish I had my own, personal lad with whom to share it.As grand as was the experience, being able to hold someone I loved, sharing the beauty and the grandeur would have been the experience all the more special.
"Daddy Days," a newly annual event sponsored by the gay social nextwork Daddyhunt, will kick off tomorrow, Aug. 10, at several different locations across Provincetown. A week-long event intended to be a celebration of gay men of all
ages, "Daddy Days" will feature dinners, parties, dances, tea-rooms, and
performances. The epicenter of the event will be at Crew’s Quarters on
Commercial Street. In reference to Daddyhunt's purpose in hosting the "Daddy Days"
event, Javier Cobo, Community Director for Daddyhunt, said in a
statement sent to the Huffington Post:
We wanted to find a way to bring together the strong,
smart men who helped build the gay community we know today... We've seen
historic changes in the past few years politically, and it’s time for
us to realize we're maturing as a community as well. Love and sex aren’t
limited by age. With Daddy Days, we’re hoping to bring together not
only daddies and daddy hunters, but guys that enjoy a broader definition
of community.
According to it's founders, Daddyhunt was established in 2005 as a
social networking site for gay men over the age of 40 who felt excluded
from more mainstream online dating sites. In an age where dating and
forging connections between gay men is accelerating quickly
into the digital sphere, the influence and significance of gay social
networks seems to be much more a reality rather than a trend. Within
this shift, gay men, often guilty of discrimination within their own community,
have been known to force one another into different preference-based
social networks for different "types" of gay men. Hence, the need for
gay social networking sites that cater specifically to older gay men,
but also Daddyhunt's attempt to understand community in less narrow
terms. Despite the target demographic for the "Daddy Days" event, founders
emphasized that this week is intended to be a celebration for gay men of
all ages. “These may be the first Daddy Days,” said Cobo, “But we’re
looking forward to many more years ahead.” For more information on "Daddy Days," visit Daddyhunt's website. Below, view a slideshow of photos from previous Daddyhunt events.
It is great to see that Daddies (well not me, alas, but Daddies in general) are getting their due. Back in my day, whodda thunk it?
"There is a plethora of resources for LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual or
Transgender) individuals to connect, find local events and raise support
for understanding and equality on the web. Google Plus has become a
popular forum to for exchanging ideas and opinions, and is fast becoming
a place to find great information on LGBT issues. From the lighthearted
dating and friend-finding pages to the political causes rallying for
equality and rights for all, here are some top Google Plus pages that
are worth following. We hope you find them topical and entertaining."
First Buck up, Princess was named a top 100 GLBT dating blog. Now, THIS DADDY is appearing as a guest blogger on Datingadvice.com.
DatingAdvice.com is an all-inclusive dating resource site whose
experts dispense wisdom on 'all things dating' through how-to articles,
informational studies, reviews of gay dating sites, reader questions and
more!
I am very impressed with Datingadvice.com, and not just because they asked me to guest blog for them. I've found the articles to be very much of interest and very insightful.
There is a line from the movie, "Dazed and Confused" which goes something like, 'That's what I love about these high school girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age.'
I know that there are lots of old dudes who feel that way. The older they get, the younger it is they hope the romantic partners they find will be. I am not one of those guys. Sure, I date younger guys. And sure I think it is perfectly find to do so. But, there is young, and there is, "YOUNG."
As I've mentioned before, my last (and the happiest and most healthy) relationship was with a fellow two decades younger than am I. He was 24 when we met, I was 46. We met on a website designed to support inter-generational dating. He finds older, stocky, hairy dudes (like me) attractive and I find younger, taller, skinnier guys attractive. So it was a match made in heaven. But, I think we both knew this was a fluke. He wasn't originally intending to be in a serious relationship and I wasn't intending to try and have a serious relationship with someone that much younger. Despite the odds and despite criticism from our various peer groups, it worked.
With his departure for grad school across the country and the end of our relationship, having come away with such a positive experience, I figured it would be easy to find someone new, ideally someone a little older than he, more settled, a little more ready for a long term situation.
For good or for ill, for right or for wrong, that hasn't happened. What has happened, though, is I seem to be (as we say in the Navy), "Pogey Bait" for guys not Sam's age or older; rather Sam's age (at the time we met) or younger. Which I just find bizarre.
I mean, sure, it is nice when you are online and you get 'gropes' or 'winks' or whatever from guys you also think are cute (not so nice when it is guys you find grodie, but I digress). But what guy my age in his right mind wants to be chased after by kids barely out of high school? So, I don't really know how to respond when this happens. I know, I know, some of you oldsters are going to say but, 'what about Chris and Don,' or other such examples of extreme age differences where the relationship lasted. But really, that is pretty rare, admit it.
Okay, there is the rare really mature guy 20-year old college boy, or military guy with whom such a relationship is possible, but that is a one in a million shot. I recently met one such boy. A college student, who I thought (I can't remember why) to be 22 or 23, came over to my house to hang out. As we were chatting away, having a splendid time, it happened to slip out that he was only 19. Eek! I almost spit out my drink. As the chatting continued, much to my relief, he made it very clear that while he is really into 'older' guys, he is also mature enough to understand that he ISN'T mature enough for anything serious. Not looking for anything serious with someone that young myself, I was impressed with his maturity. He is clearly the sort of young man with whom an old dude might consider trying to have a relationship. But it was that very maturity that made it clear that no such relationship was being considered. I knew he was too young and he knew it too. Thank heavens! Now, in 5 years or so.....anyway.
So, what is it with all these other young guys, I mean YOUNG guys, who chase after me? Is it my chiseled, good looks? My Irish-Italian charm? Who the hell knows? And why is it some nice, attractive, 32 year old tall, skinny doctor with nice feet isn't chasing after me? Again, who the hell knows? This situation is crazy, don't you think?
I came across the following article today whilst 'flipping through' the Huffington Post. I am not sure I agree with everything included in the article, and I am not sure my experience dating in, "middle age," is as 'upbeat' as it would lead one to believe, but I did find it interesting.
A Gay Man at Midlife Ponders Being Lonely and ‘Invisible’
By
STEVEN PETROW
Published: March 19, 2013
Every other Tuesday, Steven Petrow, the author of “Steven Petrow’s Complete Gay & Lesbian Manners,” (Workman, 2011), addresses questions about gay and straight etiquettefor a boomer-age audience. Send questions for Civil Behavior tostevenpetrow@earthlink.net.
Q. Dear Civil Behavior: Your comment in a recent column about gays at midlife finding themselves “suddenly invisible
— aged out by the young, restless and beautiful” resonated loudly with
me. At 59 I am single and almost friendless. I live in Philadelphia,
which has a reasonably sized gay community, yet I feel like an outsider.
Many of my friends died two decades ago and my contemporaries have
started retiring to Florida. I would like to go out dancing sometimes,
but I don’t feel comfortable going to bars anymore. The Internet seems
full of people looking to do drugs. I remember the distaste we all once
had for “old people,” but I’m tired of staying home on weekends. Do you
have any advice? —Stephen W., Philadelphia
A. Dear Stephen: Believe me, I understand “the middle
ages” can be difficult for anyone, gay or straight. After all, wasn’t it
Phyllis Diller who cracked: “Maybe it’s true that life begins at 50 ...
but everything else starts to wear out, fall out or spread out.” The
ability to laugh — and laugh at ourselves — is key to our happiness.
Still, there are some unusual and disproportionate challenges to aging
within the gay community that your experiences highlight. “Many L.G.B.T.
older people experience high rates of social isolation,” says Michael
Adams, executive director of Services and Advocacy for G.L.B.T. Elders,
an organization dedicated to helping older members of our community.
“We’re twice as likely to be single and to live alone, and three to four
times as likely to be childless. And many of us are estranged from our
families of origin, and so are only half as likely as our heterosexual
counterparts to have close relatives to lean on for help.” Adding salt
to these wounds, a 2004 study, “Old, Gay, and Alone?” reported that 44 percent of older gay men “feel disconnected from or even unwelcomed by younger generations of L.G.B.T. people.”
This isolation is partly explained by our community’s extraordinary
place in history. Many of us lost lovers, friends and family in the
depths of the H.I.V./AIDS epidemic,
so we find ourselves short on these lifelines just when we need them
most. (This might also help explain why the situation is more difficult
for gay men than it is for lesbians: The study I noted previously showed
that lesbians “tended to have networks that were more resilient and
showed less fluctuation in response to changes with aging,” probably
because their support networks were not nearly as devastated by
H.I.V./AIDS as gay men’s were.) Those who survived the plague can only
be grateful — yet, like you, these losses continue to prick our hearts.
But before we start taking meds, host pity parties or just become
shut-ins, let’s remember that our generation is still one powerfully
large cohort, and our sheer numbers dictate that we confront ageism in
our community. Consider Stu Maddux’s award-winning documentary, “Gen Silent,”
which garnered so much attention by putting a face on the plight of
older members of our community. “They’re often afraid to ask for help or
are isolated from their families,” Mr. Maddux told me, adding, “The
good news is that mainstream aging organizations are waking up and
realizing, yes, these folks do have unique issues we have to address.”
So if you’re determined to find friends or even lovers, of any age, what
do you do? First off, you’ve got to be willing to go out into the world
or you’re not going to meet people, period. If bars don’t work for you,
stay out of them. Second, friendships can’t be taken for granted or put
on autopilot; in fact they often take more energy than what some people
are willing to invest in them. Ask yourself:
But let’s not completely write off the Millennials and Gen Xers, many of
who are interested in befriending folks our age (if not seeking more).
As a 30-year-old posted on my Facebook page
in response to your question, “I find having friends who are gay and
older helps me learn about the gay community’s past struggles and truly
understand where we have come from, where we are now, and where we’re
going as a society.” Another, a happily partnered woman, suggested that
you “Look for people who like older people and enjoy being with them.
They’re out there to be found. I know, because one found me.”
Of course, at 59 you’re only six years away from retirement, when you can join your brothers and sisters in Florida or Palm Springs.
Believe me, you’ll be considered quite the spring chicken when you get
to those communities. Above all, try to remember we’re lucky we’ve
gotten to see and live through our middle years; so many of our loved
ones did not.
When referring to changes in the unemployment rate, members of the media often comment on how the number stated does not reflect those long term unemployed who have essentially given up looking for work. In the context of dating, perhaps if speaking on the number of single, gay men, they might refer to the number of middle-aged dudes who've given up on finding a romantic partner. An unpleasant concept, isn't it?
I know, I know, one is supposed to keep a positive attitude and be grateful for how things are. I often write about how much I enjoy aspects of aging and how much better is my life than it is have ever been before. I gets hard, though, to keep up a positive attitude about dating, at least I have been finding it so of late.
I am told I still possess a certain charm. Despite my surprise at others finding it so, I am told I am still an attractive man. But charming or attractive as I am told, facing another Friday night alone, hanging out at home with my crazy dog, wasting time watching bad TV, just doesn't sound appealing.
Whah, whah, whah, I know I sound like a Debbie Downer. And, as I've written before, being pitiful is never sexy. But, it is my blog, I get to write about what I want and how I feel. Dating has ups and it has downs. I try to remind myself that writing a blog on dating will reflect my experience, both positive and negative. It has just been so negative lately, it would seem whining about it wouldn't be appealing to my readers.
Okay, okay...deep breath, deep breath. Things will get better. Hard to believe at times, perhaps...but they will.
At least, that is what THIS DADDY thinks.
"As Time Goes By" performed by Billie "Lady Day" Holiday. Composed by
Herman Hupfeld for the 1931 Broadway Musical "Everybody's Welcome" but
more famously known for Dooley Wilsons' version in the 1942 movie
"Casablanca".
