Okay, it is finally happening. The boy I have loved for the last 2.5 years is leaving me to move across the country to go to graduate school. I knew it would happen, he knew it would happen. As I've mentioned previously, we both acknowledged from the start that he was too young (mid-twenties) and too unstable for us to have a ‘serious’, long-term relationship. It surprised both of us that we became so attached. Even knowing and acknowledging these facts, I had no idea how painful it would be for me to lose him. I told myself all along, "this has been a good learning experience, it has taught you that love comes when you least expect it and isn't always found in the ways one tends to think." I told myself I'd be strong, supportive, and give him my blessings. I've gotta tell you, I am trying hard, but doing those things is much easier said than done.
Most people would think us an odd couple. Me, a short, stocky, graying, cranky, conservative, military officer, with OCD and a tendency towards anxiety, old enough to be his father. Him, a scruffy, uber-liberal, nature boy, not into bathing, who reads Kant for fun, studies vegetarian cooking, meditates daily, studies at a Buddhist monastery, and does kettle bell workouts in his underwear in my back yard. Still, it worked for us. We always enjoy being together. He brought a buoyancy to my life I've never experienced in a relationship before. Even after 2.5 years, he still thinks I am one of the sexiest man he's ever met; a most amazing lover; and, a loving, genuine guy. I've tended to date really 'regular' guys, with very 'internal' personalities. You know the kind I mean, those 'still waters run deep' kind of guys. The type of guys who internalize everything and who, while telling me they love me, insisting that they doing so, in spite of who I am, rather than for who I am. Not Sam. He takes me as I am. Oh, don't get me wrong, he doesn't like everything about me. But, in accepting me for who I am, he's made me want to be a better person; to be more easy going; less stressed; and, to be more loving and patient. Sort of like how playing a sport with someone much better tends to raise your game, his willingness to look past some of the bad qualities (not ignore them, or pretend the don't exist, mind) to see the 'real' me, made me become a 'better' me. More like the me I've always wanted to be.
In some ways, even after dating since the mid-eighties and having several serious, long-term relationship, this has been the most mature and healthiest relationship I've ever had. I knew he was special on our first date. I am very, VERY Italian. I have a temper. That temper gets inflamed when I am under a great deal of stress. Having offered to help me move into my then new home as part of our first, serious date, he got a full taste of that temper, all due to the stress and anxiety of moving. Making a great effort to work on this problem, I developed a strategy. That strategy was, when I could see myself getting all wrought up, I'd acknowledge it, and tell whomever I was dealing with, "Look, I suffer from an anxiety disorder, which manifests itself as irritation. I am not irritated with you, but the situation, so perhaps we should have this interaction another time." While we worked, I could see my anxiety level was rising, and so was my bitchiness level. So at one point I said something like, "this isn't going to work. I am too grumpy and stressed to be around right now, we should probably just cancel and get together another time." His response, "No. I told you I would help you move some of this stuff, so I will. When we are done, we are going to talk about what a d*ck you are being right now, and you aren't ever going to treat me like that again. But, for now, let's finish moving, and discuss this later." Which is exactly what we did. This young man, in spans of years, the youngest guy I've ever dated, handled the situation in a very mature way, much differently than guys closer to my age might have done. I had a buddy once who said of his wife, "My wife is such a bitch. God, I love her." What did he mean by that? Well, as he explained it, he acknowledged that she wasn't the easiest person with whom to get along. But, she was also a good wife and a loving mother, with a good heart under all the 'bitchiness'. Well, I guess, I am sort of like that. I am gruff and cranky, and when stressed, I get very snappish. I don't like these qualities and I work to tame them, but they exist. By acknowledging them, telling me when I was being a d*ck, yet giving me more credit for the good parts of my character and personality than for the bed, Sam made me feel loved for who I am, not in spite of it. It turns out, that simple difference between him and my other serious partners has made all the difference.
You might ask, I know I have, "Well, just because he is leaving, does that mean you have to break up?" For us, the answer is, unfortunately, 'yes'. We both know that once he starts his new life on the East Coast, he'll get completely wrapped up in it and his 'old' life will fall away. He'll be gone for at least three years and has no intention of returning to Seattle even when he finishes his program.
Was our time together always smooth, no. Was I well and truly loved, yes. I've got to tell you, I'll be miserable when he leaves. It will be very hard to remind myself that the pain I am experiencing was worth the joy we've shared over the last couple of years. Trust me, though, worth it, it has been.
Slightly modified, the song lyrics below, words by Betty Comden and Adolph Green and Music by Jule Styne, speak to how I am feeling as I write this blog entry.
The party's over
It's time to call it a day
They've burst our pretty balloon
And taken the moon away
It's time to wind up the masquerade
Just make our minds up, the piper must be paid
The party's over
The candles flicker and dim
We danced and dreamed through the night
It seemed to be right just being together
Now we must wake up, all dreams must end
Take off our makeup, the party's over
It's all over, my friend
It's time to call it a day
They've burst our pretty balloon and taken the moon away
Now we must wake up, all dreams must end
Take off our makeup, the party's over
It's all over, my friend
It's all over, my friend
Sam, I love you very much. Thanks for loving me. Have a happy and fulfilled life. Nana and I will miss you. Be a good boy.
