An Opinionated Daddy's View of Life

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Does Where You Live Help or Hinder Your Love Life? A Response.

Below is a blog posting which appeared on a website I regularly visit.  My comment in response to the posting appears below it.

by: RobHeartsDH, published on the website, "Daddyhunt"

New York City is probably one of the best places for a gay man to be single. It's also one of the worst to be single and looking for a serious relationship. Then again, I thought that Pittsburgh was a terrible place to be a single relationship seeking gay man, and now it's on a list of the Top 10 Cities Where Gay Singles Are Looking For Marriage And Kids. Keep in mind, this list doesn't tell you the best places to secure a man seeking a serious relationship, but rather where the men are looking for one. Whether it's lack of options or lack of focus, it seems that all the friends I talk to around the world are unhappy with where they live in regards to being a single gay man. I've thought about leaving NYC more than a few times, but wonder if the city is really the problem.

So I ask, do you feel that where you live has negatively or positively affected your dating life?

AB-SO-LUT-EL-Y!  Every city or region seems to have both a 'type' and a requirement to either live up to that type or to find that type appealing.  When I was stationed at Pearl Harbor, for example, I'd be at Hulu's (the sort of 'main' gay bar there, at least when I lived there) and I would frequently run into Haoles (non-locals) just moved to the Islands from the Mainland complaining that they weren't interested in dating, 'orientals.'  Okay, ignoring the fact these Haoles were being racist by using a word which describes carpets to describe people, exacerbated by the fact that they were lumping people of all sorts of different ethnic types into some kind of amalgamation, they were basically excluding a large majority of the folks they were likely to meet from their dating options.  Face it, Hawaii has a lot of Hapa (mixed race) or Pacific Rim guys. Just like Miami is full of hot Cubanos or Latinos and Atlanta is full of hot African-American guys, Honolulu is full of hot Pacific Rim or Hapa guys. 

I have a similar experience now that I live in the little house by the big lake here in Seattle, except I am now the one living in the place where there are few of the types of guys I find appealing and lots of guys I don't.  Seattle is Bear-central.  The 'look' here is stocky, hairy, 10 years older than you are, balding with a beard (or heaven forbid a goatee) worn to hide a double chin or make up for some perceived lack of masculinity.  Not my thing at all.  Not.  Did I mention that Bears aren't my thing?  First, before the flaming starts, let me make it clear:  there is nothing wrong, nor do I intend to suggest there is anything wrong with Bears or bearish guys. Not one little thing.  As a bearish guy myself, I am glad as heck that some guys find thick, furry, older guys appealing.  I just don't happen to be one of them.  Again, Bears (or chubs or older) DOES NOT EQUAL BAD. Those types are just not to my tastes.  That said, you should read and hear the abuse that I take when I am online or if I post a personal ad seeking social interactions for living in a Bear town and not finding Bears appealing, especially since I am bearish myself.  The mania and sensitivity around Bears and the focus on them here borders on the bizarre.  If you have the gaul to admit you aren't into bearish guys, you are immediately accused of only being into twinks (as if there were only two types of guys) and somehow thinking you are all that and a bag of chips.  If I didn't live here and hadn't experienced it for myself, I'd never believe it.  In Seattle older is not encouraged to date younger; smooth are not encouraged to date hairy; opposites of any kind are strictly forbidden to date.  It is the RULE.  Okay, a short Bear is sometimes allowed to date a tall one, but that is about the extent of the 'flexibility' found here.

So, yes, living in Seattle and the culture and 'look' that exists here have a major impact on dating for me.  They always have (before you ask: I've lived here much of my adult life...state job, elderly parents, (former) partner, little house by the big lake, etc. are what keep me here) and likely always will.  Seattle is a notoriously cold and unfriendly place, polite, yes, friendly no.  I think it has to do with the high tech environment here...people who flock here just feel more comfortable chatting online or texting rather than dealing with each other in person.  So you add that to the restrictive 'type' orientation here, and sucks.

Dating is hard anyplace.  But, boys and girls, I defy you to find a place where dating is harder than it is here in Seattle. I dare you,

At least, that is what THIS DADDY thinks.

Uploaded by on Apr 7, 2011
Seattle was Perry Como's 17th RCA Victor 12" long-play album, the 15th recorded in full "living" stereophonic sound and the sixth featuring Dynagroove technology.

Friday, June 8, 2012


How often is it that you hear a song or see a movie that evokes experiences memories of your real life?  I don't know about you, but to me it happens all the time.

It happened to me the other night when I was watching, "The Graham Norton Show."  This episode featured, "The Scissor Sisters."  Not having been a big fan, I didn't expect to enjoy seeing them perform on the show.  Yet, from the minute the song started I got a big smile on my face.  The song, "Baby Come to Me."  Why?Well, it brought back all of those times while I lay in bed waiting for Sam (my now former young man) to come home from carousing with his friends or co-workers. You'd think those would be unhappy memories, but not really. Because as the song says, " don't matter 'cause I know that you love me."

Let me make one thing clear, very paternal, I am a worrier by nature.  It is a trait I seem to have adopted from my Mom.  Not always a good one, I admit...but still, there is it.  Sam and I used to argue about this all time.  He'd be out socializing with his friends, while I'd be at home, lying in bed not able to sleep, worrying that he was lying dead in a ditch some place. Silly, true, but real too. 

I wasn't a hip, young, dude, even when I was a hip, young, dude.  I don't enjoy clubbing.  I never have and likely never will.  I've never understood why the gay social hour doesn't even start until 2300.  It didn't make sense to me when I was young and it makes even less sense to me now. Having been in the Navy for over 30 years, I've spent more than my share of long nights awake (working), so the idea of staying up until 0300 for 'fun' just isn't fun for me. Not when there is a warm, comfortable bed waiting for me.

Logically, I knew that Sam was out having fun with his friends, dancing, drinking, listening to jazz, whatever.  Still like other guys, I'd still have those occasional 'old dude home in bed, while his young buck is out partying' insecurities.  Then, I'd hear those cabinet doors slamming down in the kitchen or the clomping on the stairs as he climbed the stairway leading up to my bedroom and I'd be filled with relief.  Relief and happiness.  See, unlike in previous relationships, I knew that whatever he might be out doing, even if it was something about which I might not approve, he would still be coming home to me.

A smart man has confidence that he is loved, even if acting a tad insecure now and then.  He shouldn't expect a lad young enough to be his son to stay home every Saturday night and be in bed by 2300.  Nor, honestly, should he try to party like he did in 1999 when he himself was a young buck, if that isn't his inclination. All that does is create frustration and cause tension in a relationship.

I've seen too many May/December relationships where one or the other partner is 'required' to do things he might not be inclined to do.  The old dude, tries to keep up with the young one, because he is too insecure and worried up to what his lad might be.  Or, the younger dude expects the old dude to party all the time.
Of course, these sorts of things are what compromise in a relationship is all about.  But there is a difference between compromising and giving up completely your needs to try and satisfy the insecurities of your partner. In every relationship, both parties need to have at least a few of their own interests and a few of their own friendships. 

So, while it might not make any sense, thinking of those times makes me smile. Sure, at the time I was perhaps grumpy and stressed and might have let that show, but I was always glad to see him, any time, any place. Isn't that how it is supposed to be?  Seems like it to me.

God willing, I'll get to lay in bed, wishing my baby would come home to me again sometime in the future. Not likely, granted.  But there is always hope, right?

At least that is what THIS DADDY thinks.

Published on May 25, 2012 by
Scissor Sisters performing Baby Come Home from their forthcoming album 'Magic Hour' live on The Graham Norton Show 25th May 2012.