An Opinionated Daddy's View of Life

Sunday, October 21, 2012

The Forgivness Factor #3

Author's note:  second in a series of 3.

When you experience a breakup, especially if you both feel that continued contact is important, it is vital to stop tearing each other up.  It isn't good for either of you  Do you each need to be introspective about what you've done wrong and right, about how you behaved, yes.  Should you learn from any mistakes that were made, yes.  But, if you continue to tear yourselves up over what was supposed to be something good (the love you shared), all that will do is taint it and ruin it.
If you've loves someone and it was a 'good' love, it seems to me that together or not there is a need for the love to have meant something.  No matter how things ended up, it is important that the love was a 'good' love, a healthy one, and one that deserves to be cherished.  I am sorry if believing those things make me seem like a needy desperado, but this is what I believe.  
For all the pain and heartache I am experiencing with then end of my relationship (or at least the romantic part thereof) I am currently experiencing, I wouldn't trade it what we had.  I just wouldn't.  Being with him didn't make me happy, nobody could do that.  But, being in that relationship allowed me to express the happiness I bury deep inside.  No relationship is perfect, and breakups are almost never so.  And, perhaps with the distance in time, things seem much 'rosier' than they actually were.  But, being with him brought a joy and spirit that my life was sorely lacking.  He made me feel sexy, made me take myself less seriously, and made me experience new things.  And, the most important:  he seemed to 'get' me.  He was able to look past the gruff, grumpy, rumpled, old military officer to find the loving person I tend to hide.  With all of he turmoil and chaos we are currently experiencing, during all of our introspection, I am pushing that we don't forget all the good things.  It is important for those things to have been real.  
At least, that is what THIS DADDY thinks.
Maria Men - The Art of Forgiveness

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

After You Were Mine

‘a little bit’ stuart crowther 

after you were mine,
I wondered what happened
after you were mine. 
not mine.
not a shrewd as belonging, not as finite as possession-
rather I
borrowed you for a while,
less like the replacement for some faulty appliance
more like a treasured acquisition - a tome,
housed in a library somewhere I’ll never visit but might think of
on some idle morning as the kettle boils and
letters drop forlornly to the mat
and I catch myself…sometimes…I’m
thinking - on a rainy weekend or a broken tuesday
which seems fit for little else - 
wondering where you are, and who’s borrowed you now
who’s inhaling the scent of your pages and adding a
sentence or two.
in a cursive script,
much neater than mine.
i remember the shape of you, sketch the illustration, but blur the edges
imagine a technicolor version where there was really
only a limited palate
as limited as my own
at the time.
but we painted each other in primary tones,
stuck to the lines,
caring nothing for the shades and the scribbles that would follow with time
and with age.
i kept you intact for a while,
painstakingly guarding your covers then
passed you on
a good sport
to someone else, who could decipher your wisdom,
a specialist in text I couldn’t read any more
after you are mine,
I wondered.
who you’d lend yourself to
and hoped his hands were clean.

COMMENT:  I came across this video on Youtube, then searched for this poem which appears at the end of the video.  The poem struck me very intensely.  I am not much for poetry, but sometimes a poem (or a song, or a video, or other piece of art) just hits the mark about how you feel or think about something that is happening or has happened in your life.  For me, this immediately evoked my feelings about Sam and the new bloke to whom he has 'lent' himself.  I hope that bloke realizes how lucky is he.  I knew how lucky was I when I, "borrowed" Sam for a time.

At least, that is what THIS DADDY thinks.

Sunday, October 14, 2012

The Forgiveness Factor #2

Author's note:  second in a series of 3.

One of the things that is hardest to do is too look someone in the eye that you feel you've wronged in some way.  It can cause embarrassment or shamed or wounded pride.  In experiencing any of these feelings, or other related feelings, it is important not to resent the person.  Self preservation often makes people 'blame the victim.' Natural it might be, health it isn't. If someone loves you, if he has any level of maturity, will likely believe those feelings are unnecessary. 
If the love is/was real, you will remain, right or wrong, a major part of his life.  You may moving onward and upward, and perhaps chaos, turmoil, and recrimination may be a way of breaking the emotional ties that bind the two of you together.  Again, not healthy.
If, having hurt someone without meaning to do so, you may believe you don't deserve continued love or connection.  You may even somehow come to resent the 'lover' for being willing to continue loving you, even though you've caused so much pain.  Well, those feelings are on you.  I wrote recently in my blog that I am someone that needs to give love.  Granted, I'd like to be someone who is loved, but to me that is secondary to the giving of love.  Needing to give love is a powerful thing.  For me, I continue to love and care about each of the men I've loved.  Maybe that is selfish on my part.  Maybe in a way, by taking out the need to give love, it cause too much pressure and strain, making an end to the connection harder. 
I don't know.  For me, though, telling someone I love them means that I do.  I am the one, for heaven's sake, who lives in a house 80 feet away from the man I spent 10 years with, who dumped me for some borderline, retarded, nelly, skeez with whom he took up while I was away at the war.  Yet, we still see each other regularly and he even keeps one of the cars (and a couple of assorted motorcycles) in may garage.  Weird, perhaps.  But, for me love may change, but it never disappears entirely.

At least, that is what THIS DADDY thinks.

Lee Fields and the Expressions, "Still Hanging On" 

Sunday, October 7, 2012

The Forgiveness Factor #1

As you all know, if you read this blog with any frequency, I am currently undergoing some turmoil with the lad I have loved.  While we are no longer a couple, and he has found someone new, we are struggling to define what is our new relationship and how we fit into the lives of the other. During our heart wrenching conversations, we've talked about a range of topics, a big one being forgiveness.  the Forgiveness Factor posts represent how I feel about forgiveness, in the context of our relationship.
While it hasn't been sought, the topic of whether or not I can be forgiving of any hurt I may be experiencing has been front and center in our discussions.  I don't think he needs my forgiveness.  If he loved me (or still does, in one way or another), and he was sincere in that love, no matter how it played out or other issues that revolved around it, it is the love that is important, not the havoc. We all make mistakes and we all act in ways that meaning to or not hurt others.  It is human.  If he wants my forgiveness, he can have it.  It is freely offered and freely given. In Christianity, and in most other major religions, in one form or another, one of the major tenets is 'treat others as you treat yourself.'  I know if he'd been hurt by something I said or did, no matter how I intended it, I would want his understanding and his forgiveness.  So, I am trying to treat him as I would like to be treated myself. I need to stop being so judgmental and self-righteousness.  I also need to learn not be so 'blaming' and so obsessive about past injuries.  It isn't healthy for me and I just don't have the strength. I don't want to lose his respect, and if being forgiving (or feeling like forgiveness isn't required) causes him to lose respect for me, makes me seem like a wimp, or a desperado, well that is his issue to deal with, not mine. 
At least, that is what THIS DADDY thinks.

Carina Round, "Pick Up The Phone"

Friday, October 5, 2012

Pre-geezer no Longer

In an effort to be charming (hey, I am Irish-Italian, it comes with the job), I once posted a dating ad on Craigslist entitled, "Pre-geezer seeks Post Adolescent."  Me, being an older guy who dates younger ones of course, being the "Pre-geezer."  Well (cue the music from the theme of Hawaii 5-0, boys and girl),  I am no longer a "Pre-geezer," I am the real deal...

I am not really sure how to feel about becoming a "senior." I mean, I still look pretty good (well, except for being so fat), my man parts still all work (not that there is anybody around for me to use them with, alas).  I have a steady job, a nice house, a crazy job.  So things should be jake.

Alas, not so much.   In the last couple of years, I've written about how much I was learning to enjoy aging, how happy I was.  This year, I am definitely struggling to keep up that attitude.

As I've said before,  I like having gray hair. I think, especially now that I am wearing it longer, it makes me look distinguished.  I continue to appreciate things in ways in which I wasn't capable, when I was younger. And, as almost anybody who knows me can tell you, I am altogether a better man.

At 48, I had someone I loved and who loved me. At 49, he left for grad school on the East Coast, starting a new life, without me, including the act of falling love with someone else.  As I turn 50, having not had a decent date in a year, continuing to miss the big dork like you wouldn't believe, and for many other reasons, it strikes me as likely that was the last 'great' love of my life.  Am I glad I experienced it, you bet your ass.  For all the pain I am experiencing now, I wouldn't change a minute of it.  But, having had what seemed like such a 'good' love, it seems highly unlikely that I'll be blessed with such again.

At 48, I was in fine health.  At 49 I became diabetic, started having high blood pressure, and my cholesterol numbers were dismal.  At 50, despite exercise and pills, this things are still issues.

Turning 48, I had a job I loved, though a boss I hated. At 49, I liked my boss, but my position had changed, my duties downgraded, and my FTE cut to 60%. As I turn 50, it looks like using the LEAN process over which I presided, may have resulted in me writing myself out of a job.  How crazy is that?

We all go through periods during which we struggle. I tend to struggle with the '9' years. 49 was definitely a '9 year' in a big, big way. I continue to wonder whether going through all of this stuff seems harder because I am older (as is having the measles, which is gets harder the older one gets), or having had such a good couple of years, I've just forgotten what a couple of really bad years feels like and am therefore out of practice as to how to best deal with them.

Like last year, I have the experience to know, 'this too shall pass', so that is good, I guess. I also still have a house (though it is old and falling apart) and a crazy dog I love.  Then, when I wrote about my birthday, I wrote that I wasn't sure I'd ever felt this lost before. My wonderment on that subject remains. 

As I said last year, "Life is, as we all know, all about transitions, some good, some not so good. There really isn't that much we can do about it. Understanding this is a lesson we can all do a better job of learning, I know I sure could. I'm working on it but man, is it tough right now."  And work on it I did.  Alas, this past year all I seem to have done is swim against the current, without making any significant progress.  And, I am not sure how to feel about that. I mean, it isn't like I have that many years left these days, now is it?

At least that is what THIS DADDY thinks.

The Ventures LIVE ON STAGE 2000!!! Washington.
Nokie Edwards; Bob Bogle; Don Wilson; and Leon Taylor

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Kind Note From a Reader

I received the following email from a kind and thoughtful reader.  I have no idea if it is original prose or not.  But, he was kind enough to send it in response to some of my postings, so I'd like to share it with the other readers.

... read your latest...
... blog post...
... with a bit of identification...
... and more than a bit...
... sadness...

... having been on both...
... the much more often "not able"...
(... too given to wandering to anchor thus...)
... and the longing...
(... sometimes wishing against that wind...)
... ends...
... i know the entirety sucks...
... far, far more than a cheap salve...
... of ill-quoted Tennyson...
... can soothe...
... even if it be sooth adamant...

... and i certainly have not...
... learned where to yield...
... do i submit a wiser mind...
... and a wizened heart...
... or shall i prepare...
... to judge myself a fool...
... if ripened heart is the harvest...
... of conceit indiscriminate...

... and while being content...
... to gather the manna of the day...
... and hope not to carry over...
... may be spiritually mature...
... it seems i may be contentious built...
... truly wanting a long sabbath...

... alas...
... i shall pray found that...
... balance...
... of desire and require...
... so that heart and mind...
... grow strong, fruitful...

... and wish beyond hope...
... that challenges as yours...
... are again presented...
... in the blog here...

Daddyhunt, October 2 at 4:33am  

Doing nice things for another, known or unknown, enriches the soul.  We are, after all. All in this together. Right?

At least, that is what THIS DADDY thinks.

 The Mountain Goats (stylized "the Mountain Goats") are an American folk rock band formed in Claremont, California by singer-songwriter John Darnielle. For many years, the sole member of the Mountain Goats was Darnielle himself, despite the plural moniker.