Myth. A website I frequent, and the one on which I met the boy I love (well, I am not supposed to love him any more since he moved away and we broke up, but still...), has a regular feature call, 'The Daily Daddy'. The website is called, "Daddyhunt" (www.daddyhunt.com). It is a site devoted to the acceptance and encouragement of intergenerational dating.
I've got to say, I am disappointment with Daddyhunt (DH) at the moment.What is it with, 'Daily Daddies'?I thought DH’s mission was (as stated in their ‘About Daddyhunt’ FAQ), “to celebrate older gay men and to create a healthy alternative to meat-market websites.”And “The men on Daddyhunt differ in age, races, body type and nationality but they all share one thing: mutual respect, acceptance and tolerance.”Yet, the images presented in the ‘Daily Daddy’ tend to be tall, slender and smooth, or at least groomed to within an inch of their lives.Or if they vary from that mold, they are buff bearish guys, with toned, albeit thick bodies. like something out of a Tom of Finland comic.Also, almost to a one they are:white.Isn’t this enforcing skewed stereotype, of how a Daddy should look?We should be white, manscapted, and movie star handsome? Isn’t this just the other side of the coin of those images found in the media which tell younger gay guys how they should look? You hunters are all supposed to look like A & F models, and we Daddies are all supposed to look like Harrison Ford.Thomas Jane at 42; ’; Michael Fassbender, at 34; Jason Issacs at 47; the guys are ‘Daddies, really? These guys represent to what look I should aspire, really? How is this 'celebrating' older men?
One of the advantages of being ‘older’ is that, ideally, we’ve learned to value the gray hair and the wrinkles we’ve earned as they reflect the interesting and varied experiences we’ve had in our long lives. At our age we’ve become comfortable in our skins, haven’t we?If the images on a website devoted to ‘glorifying’ the attractiveness of older guys only presents images of older men that are unrealistic for the vast majority of ‘Daddies’ to achieve, doesn’t that set a standard which is impossible for ‘real’ daddies to meet? Isn’t that undermining the website’s goal?Daddies are, in general, older.Older guys, Daddies or not, tend towards baldness.We have thickening waists, flabby asses, flat feet, and hair in (what society dictates as ‘inappropriate’ places. What is wrong with that?
As hard as it might be for some of our non daddy-loving contemporaries to believe, we all age at some point.And, just as hard as it might be for them to believe, there are guys who find ‘real-looking’ Daddies sexy. Perhaps not many, sure. Am I saying we all shouldn’t try to look our best?No.Am I suggesting the people ‘change’ to what type of guy they should be attracted?No.But I am saying that when ‘Daddies’ start being expected to look too much the way hunter’s aspire to look, that sets an unreasonable standard and marginalizes too many older guys. It set’s unrealistic expectations, and sets everybody, Daddy or Hunter disappointed.I mean, how many 28 year old guys have a body like that of Daniel Craig, or Thomas Jane?Not that many, right?So how realistic is it that a 48 year old is going to look like that? Not very. How is that supporting the idea that older can be sexy? It isn't.
This is a quote from a (formerly) famous shock jock named, Tom Leykis. Mister Leykis hosted a talk show syndicated on CBS radio from 1994 through 2009 called, "The Tom Leykis Show." As stated on Wikipedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_Leykis), "The show's best-known feature was "Leykis 101," in which he purported to teach men "how to get laid" while expending the least amount of time, money, and effort. This part of his persona led some critics to charge Leykis with misogyny."
Mr. Leykis, known for his strong opinions on women, often received calls from virulently homophobic callers. Mr. Leykis' response to these calls was to insist that straight guys shouldn't be so negative about gay guys because, essentially, guys are guys and therefore straight guys have more in common with gay guys than some straight guys might think. As the title of this post suggests, he'd say, "What do straight guys want? Tail. What do gay guys want? Tail."
I was thinking about Mr. Leykis' comments today, in preparation for posting a personal ad in which I seek to make social connections (i.e. go on some dates) with a nice younger guy or two. Granted, I am not sure I am that ready to date. I still miss my (former) young man terribly and wish he'd come home or figure out some way for us to have a long distance relationship. I know these things won't happen, but still.
I don't get the animosity that 'older' guys get when they express either an interest in or an attraction to younger guys. Don't get me wrong, I know there are trolls out there, who prey on younger guys. I get it, I do. And boy does it bother me when guys do that. But, as Mr. Leykis explains, a gay guy is a guy, just like any other. The 'tail' they chase may be different, but the act of chasing such is the same, gay or straight. Straight guys lust after younger women, gay guys lust after younger guys. It seems perfectly natural.
As a Navy officer, I often travel with a bunch of other guys my age. Because of the kind of work I do, these guys are often aviators. I have spent many an hour sitting in, "Duke's" on Waikiki with a bunch of paunchy, middle-aged dudes flirting with the waitresses young enough to be their daughters. Is it a tad gross, yes. Is it the nature of the world, yes.
I think too many older guys, gay or straight, overdo it. But then, I also think too many younger guys are overly sensitive about being lusted after by someone older. Older dudes lusting after younger dudes (or chicks in the case of straight guys) is completely natural. I also believe that too many people confuse having an attraction to someone, with having the expectation for sex or romance with someone. This confusion is, for the most part, unwarranted.
I am attracted to younger guys. Not all younger guys, of course. Just because a guy is younger, doesn't mean I am automatically going to want to jump his bones. But, my 'type' does tend toward guys with a certain range of 'looks' which are traditionally found in younger men (narrow waists, firm round asses, smooth(ish) chests, nice feet, etc). So, when I see a boy like that, on line or in real life, I look. Does that mean I expect him to immediately desire to spread his legs for me? No. Does the fact that I have such lust in my heart for him mean I have the right to put the moves on him? No. It merely means I am 'appreciating' him.
I admit, for myself, I err on the side of not expressing this 'appreciation' unless I have some indication that my appreciation is welcomed. Online, for example, unless there is something clearly stated in a fellow's profile that he likes older guys, or beefy guys, or hairy guys (all of which I am) or I see that he has reviewed my profile, indicating potential interest, I look but I don't 'touch' (i.e. I don't send Im's, emails, etc.) Other guys don't err in this direction. I also admit, as I've written about in the past, that I don't see the point in looking at guys or pinging on guys for whom I am clearly not of interest. But that has more to do with not wanting to waste my time, or have someone else waste it. Everybody likes to look a fine fellow now and again, don't they? When you put yourself in a public venue, like online, and you post pictures of yourself, people are going to look. It is for what such venues exist. Get used to it.
It has happened again, I've turned another year older. Yes, boys and girls, today is my 49th birthday. Last year, if you remember, I wrote, about how much I was learning to enjoy aging, how happy I was, yada, yada, yada. This year, not so much.
Oh, I still like my graying hair. I continue to appreciate things in ways in which I wasn't capable, when I was younger. And, as almost anybody who knows me can tell you, I am altogether a better man.
My life at the moment, though, not so much. Most people struggle with the, 'ought' years, 30, 40, 50. I tend to struggle with the '9' years. This is shaping up to be a 9 year in a big, big way.
Last year, I had someone I loved and who loved me. This year, that person is off to grad school on the East Coast, starting a new life, without me. I miss him terribly. Last year, I was in fine health, this year I am diabetic and have chronic neck pain from an accident. Funny, I was just starting to do a better job of eating a proper diet (how many of you practice Meatless Monday's?) and starting to exercise regularly. Last year I had a job I loved, though working for a boss I hated. This year, I like my boss, but my position has changed, my duties downgraded, and my FTE cut to 60%. I was counting down the years until I could retire, now I worry I'll be unemployed.
We all go through periods during which we struggle. This sure is turning out to be a period of struggle for me. I don't know whether going through all of this stuff is harder because I am older (as is having the measles, which is gets harder the older one gets), but when I am really overwhelmed by all of the craziness going on right now, it sure seems like being a older dude doesn't help.
I have the experience to know, 'this too shall pass', so that is good. I also have a house I love (though it is old and falling apart) and a crazy dog I love, but to be honest, I am not sure I've ever felt this lost before. Maybe I am just getting forgetful in my 'old age' and don't remember experiencing periods like this so intensely in the past. I mean, for heaven's sake...the current stuff with which I am dealing is really trying my Zen-like calm and my innate perkiness (inside joke).
Life is, as we all know, all about transitions, some good, some not so good. There really isn't that much we can do about it. Understanding this is a lesson we can all do a better job of learning, I know I sure could. I'm working on it but man, is it tough right now.
For those of you who are either too young, or too old, to get the reference, to quote Wikipedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I%27m_Too_Sexy),"I'm Too Sexy" is a song by English trio Right Said Fred from their album Up. The single topped the American charts for three weeks in early 1992, after having peaked at number two in Britain less than six months earlier." Trust me, you had to be there. It is one of the novelty song that seem to catch on, despite being so insipid as to make the casual listener swoon.
Anyway, back in the day, when I was a young buck, older friends assured me that one's (sex) life ended neither at 30, nor at 40, nor even at 50 and beyond. Like the callow, young gay fellow I was, I didn't believe them. I'll bet some of you don't believe them either. Well, buckaroos, they were right, I was wrong. And so are you.
Who'd have thought that at my ever advancing age (I am soon to be 49), I'd be made to feel like 'sex object'? Not me, that is for sure. As I've stated before, I am not my type and any sex appeal I might have has always alluded me. Yet, the proof is, as they say, 'in the pudding'. First piece of 'evidence', the handsome, younger man with whom I shared the last two and a half years, before he moved Back East for graduate school. He still, so he says, finds me as sexy as he did upon our first meeting, back in December, 2008. Second, there is the barrage of emails I've received from old 'fuck buddies' who, knowing I am once again, 'back on the market', are lining up to spend quality naked time with me. Third, there are the myriad 'hits' that I get when I log onto various gay dating phone apps (Grindr, Growlr, Scruff) on my Evo. Okay tops are, so I am told, always in short supply. So, having always been a total top, that gives me a little bit of an advantage. But still, what accounts for my current 'popularity'? To be honest, I don't have a clue.
Gay culture would have us all believe that if one isn't under 30 or one doesn't look like a male model, one isn't allowed to have a sex life, and certainly not with anybody even vaguely attractive. At this age, apparently, we are supposed to sit at home, pet the cat, and watch old episodes of, "Sex and the City." Sorry, that isn't for me, and I assume most of you would hope that fate isn't for you either.
It is ironic too that being offered so much casual sex, I am not really all that interested. You may not believe it but I turn down more opportunities than you can possibly imagine. Oh, don't get me wrong, I love sex. I always have, and I hopefully always will. But, at my age, the whole 'hook up' culture has lost much of its appeal. Sure, there are guys with whom I've been 'buddies' in the past, who if they call me up or email me (as some have been doing), I'll jump at the opportunity (hint, hint, you KNOW who you are) for us to do the hokey pokey again. But finding 'new' buddies, or just doing random hook ups, not so much.
Maybe I am spoiled. After being in a solid, high quality relationship, perhaps my standards have risen, or perhaps my needs have just changed. My last relationship was an open relationship (supposedly) but both of us rarely exercised the option. True, it happened a bit at the very beginning, we weren't supposed to be serious about each other, after all. But as time progressed, even though the option remained available, there didn't seem to be much need. By the time our relationship ended, I'd only been with one other guy in well over a year and a half, the one guy being one of those special few about which I wrote above, on whom I'll always jump if and when given the opportunity (again, hint, hint, you KNOW who you are). He hadn't been with anybody else in nearly 2 years. I guess you could say, we were both getting more than enough at home, so that we didn't see the need to stray.
Perhaps my attitude will change as time passes. I get lonely like anybody else. It has, of course, only been a few weeks since my young man moved away. But, I am not so sure. Okay, part of it is pure nervousness. I just don't feel that comfortable having strange guys I've never seen before show up at the little house by the big lake. The same is true when I travel. Back in the day I wouldn't have thought twice about going to someone's hotel room, or having them come to mine. These days, not so much. Part of it too has do with the prevalence of HIV and STD's. I've managed to stay HIV negative and essentially STD free (I have gotten 'critters' a time or two and once, several years ago, got something that back in the day required a shot in the heiny, but other than those, which happened long ago, nada) for over a 1/4 of a century. Why push my luck?
As I age, I find that sex just happens to be better with someone you know and about whom you care. Or at least with someone you like. I am not saying you have to be 'in love' with someone to have sex with them, I am a guy, after all; and, while it is no longer true, I was quite the horn dog. But I am saying that the comfort and ease that comes from with being intimate with someone you love, or have been with before and like, is far more enjoyable than the pleasure derived from the excitement of a hook up or meeting some hot guy in a bar and taking him home. Be honest, how often have you done this and been disappointed? How many times have you hooked up with someone only to find he smells, or is bad in bed, or has ugly feet, or whatever else turns you off? Unless you are just starting out, I'll bet that sort of thing has happened way more than you like to admit.
Am I telling you how to act, no. That isn't my 'job'. I am just some old dude that likes to write and gets a kick out of it if someone reads my stuff occasionally. If the hook up thing is your bag, more power to you. I am always very sex positive. I believe you should do whatever you like, with whomever you like, unless it involves children, animals, or someone unwilling. I am saying, though, for me, it is different being single this time. I am more anxious to enjoy quality sex, than quantity of sex.
