ANOTHER PIECE OF THIS DADDY WISDOM, SO CALLED, IN RESPONSE TO, "My First Experience with a Younger Man"
The other day, in response to an email exchange with a reader, I received the following email:
I can't tell you how deeply grateful I am for taking the time for your thoughtful and insightful reply. Please feel free to print everything I wrote to you as well as your response. I'm facing a dilemma that I wonder how you would resolve: should I contact him and try to set up a face-to-face meeting with him shortly before I move away to ask him what happened and why he ran away from me and our budding relationship? Or would that be too much for him to handle, so that--out of love for him--i should just leave without contacting him? I don't know how to answer this question. On the one hand, I have no hope of being able to change his mind since i believe the only way he was able to resolve the ambivalence in his heart about our relationship was to cut me out of it; on the other hand, I wonder if there is anybody else in his life who can pose some questions or say certain things that might be important for him to hear as we both move forward with our independent lives. Like I said, my love for him is not selfish: although I am in love with him and would stop at nothing to be able to have him in my life, my love for him as an independent person is far greater than my being in love with him in a selfish sense. I truly love this man, but fear he is a "lost boy" without even many good gay friends. I should add that, at 30, this man still lives with his parents and when he goes out to a gay bar, he goes out with his straight friends. I don't know how many past relationships or sexual encounters he's ever had. But i don't think he has very experienced on this front. Again, thank you ever so much for talking with me. I am so in need of helpful wisdom and guidance here.
If, dear readers, you find yourself interested, please see my response below.
Reader, you are most welcome. It is my role as, 'Daddy' to provide help and support when needed. It comes with the territory. I am always happy to help.
As to your dilemma, I see nothing wrong with reaching out to him. Perhaps a text or an email, so he doesn't feel like you are stalking him. I know that sounds passive, but your situation with him is tenuous as it is. Back in the old days, I taught safe sex and dating workshops for a local AIDs organization. One of the issues we talked about is, 'what to do if he says no.' Or, like in this case, 'what to do if he says nothing.' While it may not feel like it, trust me, I've been there, he really doesn't owe you a response. Nobody does. It is polite, sure, and we all wish the guys in whom we are interested would provide such a response. Alas, it rarely happens. But, expecting someone to 'owe' you a response, or a response of a specific kind, will likely result in you being disappointed. As I said in my last note, whatever is going on in his head is about him. It isn't likely about you. All you are doing is torturing yourself by continuing to wonder why. Will it be worse to wonder in silence? Or, if you reach out once again, and still nothing happens. Did he get my message? If so, why is he taking so long to respond? How does he feel? What do I do next? Are you prepared to put yourself through that additional torment?
And what if he does respond? You can certainly offer to be friend/adviser/mentor. That is what older dudes do. That said, are you prepared for all that will go along with such an offer? If you open the door, he may just walk through it. Are you prepared to help him come out? Will you feel paternal and glad to give advice when he starts talking to you about other guys he is dating or f*cking? Will you secretly keep the door open to him, hoping he'll change his mind? If so, how will that impact your ability to move on and date someone else? Only you can answer these questions. I suggest you think about the potential answers to them, before you take another action. Only you can decide what is right for you.
Of course you care for him. And you care about what happens to him. This desire to provide love, guidance, advice, mentorship is all a part of playing the roll of 'Daddy.' I write about my own experience providing this kind of support with no expectation of return admiration in,
I care about each and every young man I've ever 'daddied.' This is true whether our relationship was serious, frequent, infrequent, casual, or just a one-time event. But, like a mother bird nurturing her young, a Daddy needs to know and accept when it is time for the lad to fly away. It is just as much a part of the job, as all the other stuff. That is what makes it so tough.
It is this ability to care, the ability to be a Daddy, which makes you a catch. You have love to give. You just need to find someone who will appreciate that love. Love comes in many, MANY different ways. But like everything, love has its costs. I just think we need to be willing to continue to accept the costs, otherwise we die inside.
At least, that is what THIS DADDY thinks.