An Opinionated Daddy's View of Life

Thursday, December 25, 2014


Back in the mid-70's, a terrible, really terrible movie was produced called, "Baby Blue Marine." It starred one of my childhood crushes, Jan Michael Vincent.  We all have them, those boys or men in the media who get us all hot and bothered, even before we are old enough to know about what it was we are becoming all hot and bothered.

Blond, blue-eyed, masculine, handsome, virile, stoic, built like a brick sh*thouse, yet shy and sweet (at least so were most of the characters he played), he was like some Viking or Marine come to life.  And, like all such youthful crushes, I dreamed that one day I'd find my own such strapping, young fellow. Well, as we all know, dreams don't come true, now do they?  

Really? Having always wanted to have my own, personal version of Jan MIchael Vincent, ideally a Marine, suddenly at the advanced age of 52, I seem to have one.  Well, sort of.  

As I've mentioned before, occasionally I place personal ads in various venues, just to sort of keep my hand in and make it clear that I've not given up on finding love again completely. And, as you've likely read in previous postings, these ads rarely if ever result in anything of substance. 

Anyway, one day into my SPAM mail box (often when I post a personal ad to a particular website, responses end up there), popped a message that looked a lot one of  'those' kind of messages. You know the kind I mean, if you have a profile on a website or an app, you get those, 'Hi, I am Iggy, I am American fighting man, currently deployed to Ghana, looking for love..." IM's.  I must not be the only fellow that gets them. At first, I thought, 'okay, this must be another one of those scam messages.' From someone with a less than common name, language slightly stilted, after the first read, I was just going to delete it.  Still...the telephone number was local and something about it sounded almost authentic:

Date:   Tuesday, November 4, 2014 4:37 PM
From:   Less than Common Name
To:       THIS DADDY
I like talking to people if you want to know more about me you can call me if you want to XXXXXXXXXX I mean I'll tell you what you want to know about me 

After thinking about it for a couple of days, I decided I didn't have anything to lose, so I decided to respond.  First, as one does these says, since I had been provided with a name, I googled it.  And, yes, there really was someone with that less than common name.  Next, I checked on a social networking site or two and sure enough, that less than common name belonged to a tall, handsome, young (30-ish), brave (two tours in a war zone), blond, blue-eyed United States Marine.  

So, admittedly feeling a bit silly, not having had much luck, and not with any real expectations, I responded to the email, providing my own phone number, suggesting that perhaps we should start exchanging txts. And, exchange texts we did.  That led to exchanging pictures, SKYPING, and finally meeting in person.  And in person, he was everything I thought he'd be and more.

Okay, before this all seems too perfect, let's take a breath.  As in really life nothing is ever perfect. Like in any new such connection, as the chatting goes on, the layers of the onion get peeled back. And, under each layer there was a surprise.  First, it turned out he is bi.  Not gay but willing to sleep with women, bi.  Second, not only was he bi, but actively dating a woman (though in a long-distance relationship).  Third, as if being bi wasn't enough, he'd never actually been with a guy before sleeping with me.  Fourth, just before the beginning of the new year, he was scheduled to deploy overseas for more than a year.  

Still, with all of that, we seemed drawn to each other.  And, we made the best of the short time we had before he was schedule to depart.  And what a special time it has been. 

When you are close to a Marine, usually a familial or spousal kind of relationship, it is tradition to refer to them as, 'My Marine.'  Well, in very short order, this particular Marine became 'mine.' Sexy beyond belief (I mean, his body is a work of art), he is also interesting, sweet, and affectionate. Boyish, yet completely manly, he appears to be a Marine's Marine.  A bit damaged, he suffers from PTSD, having lost friends (or as he calls them brothers) while in combat, he is strong and forward-looking. Marines are often thought of as, 'young, dumb, and full of cum.'  In my 35 years of service, few (if any) with whom I've served have really been like that.  Oh, they may be young and full of cum, which is all a part of their particular charm, but the Marines with whom I've served have been more renaissance man than ruffian. 
My Marine is no different.  Okay, he is a little rough around the edges:  he smokes; he snores; he has tattoos; he doesn't wash his hands after he pees; he has really ugly feet, which smell sometimes (remember, having been in combat, he is used to wearing the same socks for long periods); but, he is also: kind; thoughtful; interesting; cuddly; gentle; a good kisser; and he has a smile that makes me weak at the knees. 
Yes, yes, I know, what with him being bi, a virgin, etc., chances of anything serious or long-lasting happening between us are slim to none. Throw in the fact that he'll be overseas for more than a year, and between all of those things, this interaction has disaster written all over it.  And yet...

I am blessed to have shared the special time with him so far, and continue to blessed to have him in my heart as he deploys.  Who knows what will happen in the future.  I have no expectations.  I am just enjoying our interactions, each more than the next.

Stay safe, be good my Marine. Semper Fi!

At least, that is what THIS DADDY thinks.

NEW! Marines Hymn - (as you've never heard it before)

 jason reed

Wednesday, December 24, 2014

It is Always Nice to Hear from a Reader.....

Well, not always of course.  You wouldn't believe the flaming comments or emails I get.  Oy!

Anyway, a very kind and thoughtful reader took the time to write a note, so I wanted to share it and my response to it. 

Dear Reader, thank you for the kind note.  I always appreciate hearing from those individuals to take the time to read my writing or the content which comes from other sources.

In my opinion, heart always wins out.  Clearly you have heart and therefore, you will find someone or someones who will see that and value it and want you to a share a part of it with them. 

The issue for you isn't if you will have a relationship, it is more how many disappointments will I experience before I find one of high quality.  No matter what your age, finding a quality relationship is hard.  And, whether you are 17 or 70, unfortunately, there will be miss fires and pain.  It is just the nature of the game.  The trick is to work through these miss fires, realizing that you may have little or no part of the dysfunction.  Too many folks get into less than successful relationships, get hurt, and then blame themselves.  You can't really have a successful relationship, well, at least most people can't, until you've had a less than successful relationship or two, so you know what really works for you.

My happiest, healthiest, most successful, and joyful relationship happened (as you know, if you've read my blog) in middle-age, with someone half my age.  Did it last, no, alas, but that isn't to be unexpected in such an extreme May/December relationship.  But was it full of joy and love, absolutely. 

Love will find you, trust me.  I am This Daddy, I know about this stuff, or so I tell myself, anyway.
At least, that is what THIS DADDY thinks.

On Tue, 12/23/14, XXX XXXXXX wrote:

 Subject: Thanks
 To: This Daddy
 Date: Tuesday, December 23, 2014, 8:47 PM

I just wanted to say I really appreciate your blog. I feel like I've learned a lot and even though I've never been in a relationship of my own, I believe I have a good idea on how to approach certain aspects of one.
I'm sorry to hear about the bad luck you've been having dating wise. The story you told about
 the date with the toothless local celebrity monger sounds as excruciating as it does hilarious. It's hard to imagine your having such a hard time. You sound like a great guy*;  more intelligent and thoughtful than most of the people I know where I'm from. I hope you find someone compatible in the near future. You sure do give me hope that I will too.


Sunday, December 21, 2014

Is a Daddy/Lad Relationship the Same is a Master/Slave Relationship? Concept to Be Considered #5

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Is a Daddy/Lad Relationship the Same is a Master/Slave Relationship? Concept to Be Considered #4

As for the difference between boy and slave in a BDSM context, this is the shortest explanation from the page:
"A boy is told what to do. A slave does what he's told." - Larry Burden, Avatar LA
It seems to be an emphasis on mentorship vs. an emphasis on servitude, essentially.
BDSM is not always about sex, btw. Its closer to a type of relationship someone has with themselves and the people they are close to, in my opinion.
~just a newt~


Monday, December 15, 2014

There is a Fine Line Between Love and Ha....

Well, not 'hate,' exactly, as I could never hate Sam.  But bone crushing irritation, disappointment, frustration, etc.  

I love him, of course, I always will, but man is he an asshole.  Since he left more than three years ago, in order to support his new life, I've tried to keep a reasonable 'distance.'  I let him be the one to make contact.  I try and make sure that on those rare occasions when we do chat, that (as much as I can), I remain upbeat.  Like the stereotype of a Jewish mother, I do kvetch when the time between chats goes on too long, but I do try, really I do, to keep such kvetching down to a dull 'roar.'

As the, 'Daddy,' I am always there when he needs me.  I remind him often of how much I care for him, how proud I am of him, and how glad I am that he is happy.  I also try to keep any problems or unhappiness I am experiencing out of our conversations, as I don't want to whine.  So, I feel like I am clearly doing my 'part' in trying to maintain the connection we shared and treat it with respect and show value to it.  

Sam, not so much.  Well, to be blunt, 'not so much' is being charitable.  He tells me that he still cares about me, not long ago he even sent to me (out of the blue) a series of notes reminding me that he was thinking of me, he missed me, and that I would always be his, 'Daddy,' promising me that he wasn't drunk (he rarely drinks, as do I, but we've each been known to 'drunk text' each other to make maudlin comments to one another).  Maybe it sounds pitiful, but just that little exchange, reaffirming our special connection, brought happiness to me for days.  

Then, last week, boy was I brought up short.  As I've said, to be respectful of his time, to not interfere with his schooling, his life, his relationship with Aardvark, I let him be the one to initiate contact.  True, I sometimes out of the blue send a text sharing a link I want him to see, or naming a new band to which I think he should listen, but rarely (in fact I don't think ever) have I initiated an, 'I need to talk' exchange.  Well, last week I did.  I was nervous about an upcoming medical procedure.  While not invasive, the procedure is very expensive, and completely elective.  Still, I was feeling foolish.  Foolish to spend so much money, foolish to be doing something that could be interpreted as vain, and just plain nervous.  I think anytime one has a medical procedure, invasive or not, it is natural to be a little nervous.

So, the day before the procedure, feeling nervous, embarrassed, etc., I reached out to Sam via text.  I didn't call, I didn't ask to SKYPE, nothing that might be time-consuming, I merely sent a handful of texts expressing my feelings, wanting to share them with someone whose opinion I value and who claims to love me.  Boy, was that a mistake. Instead of reassurance, support, I got blown off.  Utterly, totally, completely blown off.  The excuse, it was the last week of classes and he was studying.  Okay, he is a student, granted.  But he is a doctoral student, a doctoral student is a social science.  Working in academia myself, I know just how much work being such requires.  So, as the old saying goes, 'you can't kid a kidder.'  If he was a medical student or a law student, I'd get that his status might be endangered if he performed poorly.  But he is a studying a social science.  In the social sciences, one is rarely, if ever, in danger of flunking out.  Doctoral students work only as hard as they desire to work.  Their schedules are almost entirely their own. 

So, being blown off in such a manner was both rude and totally unnecessary.  I know millennials are completely self-absorbed.  But for years Sam has argued that while he may be of that generation, but not 'of' that generation.  I am proud of him.  I am glad that he is doing work (well, not I said he is a graduate student), that he finds fulfilling.  Really, I am. 

But, I am also angry, disappointed, frustrated, and sad that he is unwilling, incapable, or uninterested in doing even the bare minimum of maintenance necessary to maintain our connection.  A battery that is used and never re-charged or replaced runs out and the thing it is powering slowly dies.  I don't want this connection to die, but I can't be the only one making any effort to keep it alive.  

My therapist reminds me that this is his way.  That, without being reminded, he doesn't keep in close touch with his family.  His Grandmother is ancient, for example.  I know he loves her very much and I know he loves talking to her, but he lets huge chunks of time pass between the times he actually talks to her.  

In the past, I've told him that I feel foolish being the only one who works to keep our connection in place.  That, when he treats me like this, I feel like he is treating me like an unpleasant obligation, "I pretended to love the guy, but having broken his heart, now I feel bad, so I humor him by occasionally keeping in touch, so I don't feel too guilty about having done so."  When I say these things, he (of course) denies them.  He reaffirms my importance and value.  But, in my most cynical moments I ask myself, 'well, what else would he do?' He tells me I am being silly, that he thinks about me all the time and that I remain of importance to him.

As much as it saddens me to admit it, as the old saying goes, "actions speak louder than words."

At least, that is what THIS DADDY thinks.

Sunday, December 14, 2014

Is a Daddy/Lad Relationship the Same is a Master/Slave Relationship? Concept to Be Considered #3

From the: website, date unspecified
Robert Dabolt

[Note: This is the second in a series of five articles originally published in the Official Folsom Fair Program for the annual San Francisco Folsom Street Fair. I have had the privilege to write for the Program for several years and I would like to thank my publishers and the Folsom Street Fair Board for allowing me to share them with you. This was published in the 2002 Program.]

At its most basic, a leather or SM relationship is a celebration of inequality. It is an exchange of power between a senior or dominant partner and a junior or submissive partner. These can take on any number of different characteristics, customizations and option packages, from Sadist/masochist, Master/slave, Dom/sub or Trainer/puppy. Just the Daddy/boy option alone can take endless forms in until the different definitions and manifestations are nearly as numerous and varied as the people who participate in them. Everybody has their own opinion.

In addition to personal relationships, there are social, political and cultural identities of "Daddy"- roles not unlike teacher, coach, activities director or tribal elder within the community. These people may or may not identify as a Daddy with partners, but they are relied on and looked to by the community as "Daddy". This year celebrates the 20th San Francisco Leather Daddy and Leather Daddy's Boy titles, the first such contests in the world to celebrate and recognize this dynamic. Since 1983, the community has looked to the San Francisco Leather Daddies for mature counsel and fundraising leadership and the titleholders have included attorneys, bankers, writers, artists, community business owners and club officers.

Many attempt to explain the popularity of Daddy/boy relationships in terms of what frequently happened to biological families when a son or daughter came out. Years ago, the first casualty of that process of self-discovery was any close relationship with one's family, followed quickly by the desertion of church and friends. "Leather families" replaced the shattered familial bonds and "chosen families" provided support when parents, church and friends had turned their backs.

The Daddy/boy structure addresses the very human need for place and belonging, along with a sense of dynastic tradition, heritage, inheritance and the passing along of something from generation to generation. The increasing mainstream acceptance of gay sons and daughters may make that less critical in the early 21st century, yet leather families continue to be popular, as an antidote to the isolation of urban life in particular.

Nothing, however, is less understood and more volatile to those who wish to discredit us. Masters and slaves fairly well speak for themselves but rabid right-wing alarmists have a field day with the incestuous and pedophiliac innuendo of "daddies" and "boys". This narrow and one-dimensional definition is as incorrect as those within the community who claim to have the one and only correct set of rules for what is orthodox daddyism and boyishness. Like any other relationship, the "correctness" or "rightness" of a Daddy/boy union must past this simple test: Does it work for those involved?
Daddies who are substantially younger than their boys, boys who are tops, boys who bring superior wealth, social status or experience to the table, Daddies who bottom, boys who are girls, Daddies who are mothers- there has been all manner of variation on the theme. Not all are SM or even leather relationships; some are not permanent roles but change with mood and season. The successful ones seem to take what works from one model and discard what doesn't.

Different Recipes

Like variations on favorite family recipes, the exchange of these different ideas can provide a rich and healthy menu of alternate methods, means and ingredients. Mix and match, season to taste and bon appetit:
"I have been a self-identified Daddy for a little over two years, but in retrospect, I have been a Daddy for far longer. I actually had a few issues with the term regarding what it meant to be a female Daddy and incest/abuse by biological or by marriage 'daddies.' My grandfather, who was the most father-like figure in my life, did some inappropriate touching when I was a young teenager; thus, my perception of 'Daddy' was colored by my own personal history and many of the women I know. 'Daddy' was not someone that could always be trusted.

Having been to most every Dyke Daddy contest, I was exposed to other women who considered themselves to be a Daddy. Plus, several books and magazine articles have come out in the last few years that have female Daddies in the stories. In addition, the Exiles have had programs on what it means to be a 'Daddy,' so the concept of being a female Daddy became more real, more of a possibility. Taking on the term/persona of Daddy may also be an outgrowth of being a butch. Since I am a butch, the female counterpart-- a Mommie (or Mom or Mother)-- does not jive with my outward appearance or how I feel inside. Daddy is much more in alignment with my butch and Top persona.
I did not grow up in a household with a 'Daddy.' When I came out I did not get taken under the wing of a 'Daddy' so I have had to create my own idea- one that is unique to me. One woman I know thinks of "Tom of Finland" as being the penultimate Daddy. That is not someone who I identify with. My 'Daddy' has elements of the 'Daddy' I fantasized about having when I was a child for example. A 'Daddy' that is strong (physically and emotionally), kind, a rock, self-assured, in control, firm and supportive.

There are probably elements of all the cultural dads I have seen on TV and in the movies, but with some added kinks. I am a sexual Daddy. I am still learning how to play as Daddy and be a Daddy and I hope to continue for a long time-it allows me to grow and keeps it interesting. One interesting venue about learning to be Daddy that I have recently started to explore is through the men's community. To me, the most essential component to being a 'Daddy' is feeling like you are one. As Daddy, I can be nurturing, evil, sadistic, a disciplinarian, indulgent, funny, goofy, and a bit old fashioned."
Vick Germany, San Francisco (SF Leather Dyke Daddy 2001)
"While every opinion is going to be different- those definitions should be determined by the Daddy and boy together. That is the key word: Together. A Daddy is the natural counterpart or balance to a boy. So, therefore, the best example of what a Daddy is, to this collared boy, is to express my opinion of what a boy is- and what I strive to always be. The motto that I go by is this: A son serves with his heart; a slave serves with his body; and, a boy serves with both."
Dan McPherson, San Francisco
"Some of the attractions of the Daddy-boy relationship are pretty obvious. There is the warmly familiar language, in terms of the words used and the psychosocial postures and non-verbal communications. There is the fact that 'straighter' friends, who are puzzled or worried by Master-slave situations can actually learn to accept, even embrace a Daddy-boy relationship. And, perhaps most importantly, there is the fact that a Daddy-boy relationship can be built to exact, personal specifications that include an almost endless variety of options.

If you want a relationship where the Top is dominant not only 'by definition', but also because of his strengths and the admiration the bottom has for him; where there is respect flowing both ways within the relationship; where only one party admits to learning and both parties are accepting growth and change; where the bottom is expected to have a will and to know when to express it and when to relinquish it, a Daddy-and-boy relationship is probably just what you want. And there is one more thing that is very usual in Daddy-boy relationships and fairly uncommon in all other leathersex situations: Daddies and their boys are almost always allowed by the parameters of their partnership to affectionately express genuine love for one another."
Joseph Bean, Maui (author of Leathersex)
"Guys at the bar I work at part-time and on my rugby team started calling me 'daddy'. I was flattered to be called that as I never considered myself one before. I guess I just look like what they think a daddy looks like.
Daddy to me means someone who is masculine and mature. Someone I could go to reliably to ask for help or to answer. I can also be daddy in the hetero sense of the word, being a father to two grown boys. Dictionary-wise, I assume it would have something to do with gender, but in reality there are all types of daddies, male and female. I don't have in a Daddy/boy relationship with my partner. We treat each others as equals. We might daddy each other sexually at times, though."
"Jim", Seattle
"I first identified as a boy in 1989 when I was 34. I believe a daddy should be more of a mentor than anything else, but to me, I don't relate to this moniker in the feminine (or any other) gender other than male. I enjoy the fraternal aspects and the camaraderie that comes from knowing my Daddy friends."
David Meyers, San Francisco (SF Leather Daddy's Boy XV)
"I think I have been identified as a Daddy from my mid-thirties. I got a lot of life experience from being on my own from my early twenties. I got a lot more experience from taking care of my partners ill from AIDS. I got a lot more experience working on community boards, then I was serious Daddy material. My role model, Alan Selby, came up to me and said it was time I take on some of the Daddy responsibility (in the community). I used him as an example and never stopped.
A Daddy is: A role model to boys and Dads, a community leader, a mentor to a boy and other Dads and a man who is willing help individuals and the community."
Steve Gaynes, San Francisco (SF Leather Daddy XII)
" I discovered a daddy-like attitude in me towards many people in my life. From biological family members to friends and sexual partners. But I'm for now at least, not at all willing to take on a role as daddy within the leather community and what, as I perceive, many people think a Leather Daddy is. I simply don't like nametags. They have the tendency to fixate people to be a certain way, whereas most people will have a hard time to fit the bill.
Having said all that, I think anything is possible in the partnership between a daddy and his boy. The Daddy being the submissive, the boy having a higher social status- whatever the people involved feel comfortable with. It might even be a great mental turn on to play around with and twist the automatic interpretation people have with words like daddy, boy, boss, rookie or even master and slave. Anything goes in the mind of men, so why clip its wings!"
Borisz Mos, Rotterdam (Mr. Leather Holland 2002)
"I guess I was first identified as a Daddy when after I won my title as American Leatherman 2000. It came with a ready-made family. The American Leatherboy immediately referred to me as 'Daddy', out of respect, to the hierarchy of the title, and I have to admit that at first I was uncomfortable with the designation. But then I began to explore what I thought a Daddy was, and found that the shoe actually fit, and nicely. My thoughts revolve around someone that can be trusted to have the knowledge of a community, and to be willing to share that knowledge with others. It doesn't have to be gender specific, because it is more of a state of mind and being, a sense of knowing what, may be the best directions to go. Being willing to stand up for the rights of others as well as yourself. It's a willingness to teach and nurture, mentor, and help in the development of a community, because a Daddy has already seen some of the pitfalls along the way. A Daddy has realized that someone has to pass down the information, someone has to share what has taken years to develop."
Dean Ogren, Chicago (American Leatherman 2000)
"For my boys, bois, puppies and slaves...I AM A DADDY. Someone that I wish I had when I was younger. A man who talks to his men/women and guides them through many of the life events that I have already dealt with and came through. Who loves to play, spank and bite, and pushes for the endorphins and love and adventure.
As a gay man I will not have biological children, so I can create a family of my own choosing. Being a Daddy has its respect implications and responsibility for my family. It is not so much what I can do for myself, but to be a bridgebuilder for those that will follow after me. It warms my heart when someone calls me Daddy and I know it is out of love. "
"Daddy Don" Aspach, Los Angeles, (Mr. LA Leather 2002)
"It is very rewarding to see the positive effects of what I do. I think that my leadership and organizational skills are the most important things that I have to offer. Nurturing and guiding people are essential to me. I believe in equal rights. The rights for anyone in society to be put in a better space."
Phillip Turner, San Francisco (SF Leather Daddy XI and late owner of Daddy's Bar)
"I considered myself a boy when I first came out in leather, almost 12 years ago. I was 21 and fresh from the twinkie bars, but when I learned about leather, daddies, boys and slaves, I knew I was a boy and sometimes slave. I've been a boy to two very special men, whom I love and care about very much.
A daddy is a person who is strong, dominant, caring, stable, knowledgeable, intelligent, stern, loving, will do what's best for their boy even if it's not what is best for the daddy. A person who is ready to take on the responsibility of having a boy in their life. Also, it is a title that is earned. I don't believe that you can just declare yourself Daddy anymore than someone can declare themselves a boy. I don't think it has anything to do with gender. He should be someone who can mentor, love, and help direct a boy's life. I think that a Daddy-type should be respected as a mentor, a very important person someone to look to for advice, love, respect. Like the saying goes anyone can be a father but it takes a special person to be a Daddy."
Joe Coloff, Michigan
Self-proclaimed or trained, tested and graduated? Are you only a Daddy when someone else calls you "Daddy" or is it an epiphany of self-realization? Tribal elder? A master with a velvet touch or some sort of ├╝berpartner? Tom of Finland or Ward Cleaver? Male, female or sexless?
Perhaps it is not so much knowing the magic formula, but to learn about as many different formulas and variations as possible and being willing to keep trying all of them until magic is achieved. And perhaps the enduring strength of the leather Daddy concept, like leather itself, is its ultimate indefinability.
The Folsom Series:
A Tale of Two Histories
What Is A Daddy?
Hell of a Run: Leather Publishing and San Francisco
A Tribute to Alan Selby
Behind Folsom Street

My Heart Belongs to Daddy

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Is a Daddy/Lad Relationship the Same is a Master/Slave Relationship? Concept to be Considered #2

Friday, March 17, 2006

What does it mean to be a “boy”?

Title Winners joe and Daddy Don Discuss It at SD-LOG

Copyright © 2006 by Mark Gabrish Conlan for Zenger's Newsmagazine • All rights reserved
“We are not an authority on the Daddy/boy dynamic,” said boy joe, recently chosen as U.S. boy 2006, at the March 3 meeting of the San Diego League of Gentlemen (SD-LOG), a Gay/Bi/Trans men’s Leather group. “This is not about Daddy Don and myself. It’s about the community and education.”

joe’s “Daddy” is Don Cherkis, his partner of over three years, co-titleholder as U.S. Daddy and community activist profiled in the December 2005 Zenger’s. He and joe spoke together at SD-LOG about the dynamics of their three-way relationship: as life partners, Daddy and boy and titleholding community activists. One of the quirkier aspects of the titles they’ve won — first the San Diego Leather Daddy and boy titles from 2005 and then the national ones — is that since the sponsoring group is called Boys of Leather it’s the boy titleholder who has to be in the forefront, neatly reversing the usual dynamics of a Daddy/boy relationship. “I’ve been in the background for nine months,” Cherkis said.

Much of the conversation at the SD-LOG meeting involved the inner dynamics of Don’s and joe’s relationship, the rituals and protocols involved in a Daddy/boy relationship and in particular the significance of the padlocked chain collar joe wears. “As far as the collaring goes, for me as a boy, we started out as partners [before they became Daddy and boy], and even now there are times of renegotiation. It’s about a chemistry that has to work for both partners. Is it going to be sexual? Is it going to be training? Will there be just one boy or many? Sometimes, at least for us, negotiation has been a road less traveled. I didn’t know how I’d relate to Dad having other boys until one came in, and I found I didn’t like it.”

While boasting that “I wear the collar proudly [because] I have a Daddy who’s really nice and considerate,” joe readily admitted that he is a “boy in service,” one of the lower levels of the Daddy/boy continuum. “You’ll hear terms like ‘Sir’ and ‘boy,’ and you’ll hear ‘Daddy’ and ‘boy,’ and the protocols are very different,” joe explained. “Sirs are usually more strict with their boys than Daddies. I think it’s important for boys to understand whether they’re getting involved with a Sir or a Daddy. It’s just recently that I’ve figured out that I’m too free-spirited to be with a Sir.”
“The most important thing for Daddies to do is take their boys under their wings, nurture them, mentor them and teach them wisdom and growth,” Cherkis said. “True intimacy is when a boy fearlessly gives himself up to his Daddy and is conscious that he’s better off taking that journey, even though he should be free to make choices, be directly responsible for his choices and realize the level of fulfillment in the relationship is proportional too the level of investment.”

Though there are various levels of dominance and submission relationships — from Daddy/boy in service through Daddy/boy in training, Sir/boy and Master/slave — they all are organized around one person voluntarily giving up a certain amount of free will and submitting to the control of another. Where the relationships differ is in the extent and totality of the dominant partner’s control and the degree to which there are formal rules — “protocols” — in place to specify each party’s responsibility to the other. Most Master/slave relationships, and some Sir/boy and Daddy/boy relationships as well, are governed by written contracts between the parties. Don and joe acknowledged during the meeting that they don’t have a written contract.

Contrary to popular belief about Leather or S/M relationships, these roles extend far beyond the bedroom. Indeed, it’s possible to have a Master/slave, Sir/boy or Daddy/boy relationship that doesn’t involve sex between the parties. “Every Daddy/boy relationship is different,” joe said. “I enjoy serving. I love the fact that he doesn’t weigh 145 pounds anymore” — a reference to a remark Cherkis had made earlier that joe was such a great cook he’d gained a good deal of weight during their partnership. “In some relationships it’s the Daddy who does the domestic things. We are not authorities on this type of relationship.”

“There’s a tendency to put people in neat little boxes,” Cherkis said. “The great thing about Leather is it can be whatever you want it to be.” But, he added sternly, “If the boy makes a choice without consulting his Daddy first, he has to live with the consequences and meet his obligations. A boy is a reflection of his Daddy and on his Daddy. If he does something good, he should be complimented.”

“God knows I’m a pretty headstrong boy, and sometimes I do things without asking,” joe said. “We’re all people and we all make mistakes. Sometimes we get into situations and have to get out of them again. I’ve made inappropriate statements and had to ask people to forgive me. It’s a learning process for boys, and Daddies too. You can’t say it’s always going to be this way, because it’s not.”

“Ninety-nine percent of us who consider ourselves Daddies pattern ourselves on our own fathers,” said “Papa” Tony Lindsey, SD-LOG’s founder and chair of the March 3 meeting. “I patterned myself on people I admired in the Leather community and away from my own upbringing. There’s a difference between leadership and being bossy, and between force and strength. Many people confuse the two.”

“You have to consider whether you’re on the same wavelength as the boy,” said Cherkis. “The Daddy might want a submissive boy or a slave boy, and the boy might want to be in service. If you don’t negotiate that it will be detrimental to the relationship. Then you have to determine what the boy wants out of the relationship: is he an apprentice who wants to be a Daddy, or a true boy who’s just satisfied with being a boy?”

“I don’t want to be a Daddy,” joe admitted. “There’s too much responsibility. He’s always got to figure out how to handle this boy.”

“I like a boy in service [rather than a boy in training or a slave] because I’m basically too lazy to give instructions all the time,” Cherkis said.

“For me, being a boy is anticipating his needs and desires before he even knows they’re there,” joe said. “Part of the Daddy/boy relationship is that deep sense of knowing. I know him, what he likes and what he doesn’t like. He says I’m a brat. He’s very serious all the time and I like to see him cut loose and have fun. I like to be in boy space because it’s just so much fun. So when he’s having a nice conversation with another Daddy I’ll just pinch his butt cheeks, trying to get a rise out of him — and he’ll just go right on talking.”

As the meeting drew to a close, joe volunteered a topic that was dear to his heart: the difference between a “boy spirit” and a “boy heart.” “They are two totally different things,” joe said. “Having the boy spirit means you can operate in the boy space and have fun. For me, the boy heart means being of service, making Don proud of me. The boy spirit doesn’t add to or take away from the boy heart. It’s the boy heart that makes me the happiest. Get me off the playground and put me in service to Daddy Don in any way that makes his heart joyful, in any way that brings a smile to his face, in any way where he will be proud enough to say, ‘That’s my boy.’ That brings joy to my heart. That’s what makes my boy heart what it is, and why I want to serve him in the way that I do.”

<a href="/channel/UCFSJJFwib7h-EHxyB02oETQ" class=" yt-uix-sessionlink     spf-link  g-hovercard" data-name="" data-sessionlink="ei=m9CAVOOtJ87X-AOjyIDgBg" data-ytid="UCFSJJFwib7h-EHxyB02oETQ">Georgianna-Olivia Lindsey</a>

Monday, December 8, 2014


Is it me?  Or do the rest of you run into the biggest bunch of losers and freaks when trying to meet qualify folks to date?  

More to just keep my hand in, as I don't want to appear to have given up completely, I semi-regularly post personal ads on a well known 'classifieds' site.  I don't really know why I bother.

Below is a series of emails which I received from one of my respondents.  The name of the respondent (and some other minor details) has been changes to protect the innocent, or in this case, is it the idiot?

To make it a bit easier to read, I'll post it in reverse order, so you can see the rather bizarre turn the discussion took.  I'll start with the ad itself, then show the whole (and I do mean the whole) exchange. Please note:  I also (as I do always) current pictures of myself (and, to be honest, a recent photo of me in uniform to better catch the eyes of a casual personals reader).

Me = Daddy. You = boy. We = Couple. - m4m - 52 (Seattle)

I miss having a nice, younger man to love. I seek a guy who is man enough to call me, 'Baby' in public, and yet boy enough to call me, 'Daddy' in private.
I am bearish, stocky, and have green/hazel colored eyes, and thick salt and pepper hair. I am charming; funny, intense; loud, and exasperating. Rumpled and crusty on the outside, I am told I am mushy and sweet on the inside; paternal, loving, and, protective. I enjoy listening to baseball on the radio; BBC America, AMC, and FX; and hanging out with my crazy dog. I love a good beer (I regularly special order a Portuguese beer) and a good steak. I dislike the taste and smell of onions and peppers. Supportive of the legalization of pot, I am personally not '420-friendly' as I can't stand the smell of it.


Physically I find skinny; younger (usually mid-20's to 40 or so) guys with big hearts, big smiles, and nice feet, attractive. Emotionally I prefer someone experienced with relationships; relationship-oriented, affectionate, and passionate. Socially I appreciate guys with interests both alike and dissimilar to my own; who are open-minded; and love dogs. Personality-wise, I find smart, funny, goofy, and easy-going guys most appealing. Sexually, the guys I date tend to be very bottom-inclined.
If you think you might find someone like me appealing, and you are someone who has the qualities I describe above, please send a note telling me about yourself and we'll see if we might 'click'.


Date: Sunday, December 7, 2014, 2:15 PM

Subject: Me = Daddy. You = boy. We = Couple. - m4m - 52 (Seattle)

I enjoyed reading your ** Post, If you are a well-endowed total top daddy, I am more than interested in
meeting you.

Compatibility is based upon personal characteristics, just how candid my next response therefore
depends on yours.



Date: Monday, December 8, 2014, 10:15AM

Subject: RE: Me = Daddy. You = boy. We = Couple. - m4m - 52 (Seattle)
To:  M***

M***, thank you for responding to my posting. I appreciate it.

I am, however, a bit confused by your comments. If you are asking whether I am really a, "well-endowed total top daddy," that answer is most assuredly, 'yes.' That said, isn't, "well-endowed" in the eye (or in this case the mouth or the ass) of the beholder? I am told the girth of my member makes quite an impact. Having never fucked myself, I can't really say. I can say that I was with my last boy for nearly three years. Even at the end, he still sometimes struggled to take me. Does that mean I am big, perhaps. Was I big for him, certainly.

As to you comment, "compatibility is based upon personal characteristics..." That is certainly true. That said,
often it is the combination of characteristics or interests you share and which you develop together which makes a relationship a success. Additionally, you may have a myriad things in common, but if there is no physical attraction, there can be no passion. And, what is the difference between a romantic love and a friendship love? The passion and physical intimacy. If compatibility were the only important quality in a successful relationship, I'd have been married to a woman long ago, as tall chicks (with many of whom I get along famously, who would have loved to be married to me) dig me.



Date: Monday, December 8, 2014, 1:46 PM
Subject: Re: Me = Daddy. You = boy. We = Couple. - m4m - 52 (Seattle)
To: TD

 I like your mind TD, and no doubt you possess the girth any b*tch  would love to experience, but you still have  yet to tell me your size. 

Example: I am 6x4 cut.

Believe me I am far from being superficial but  I know my limitations  and at this point in
my life, all I desire and have time for is the truth.

Girth is more important to me than length but length is necessary in order to achieve a critical mass of penetration and reverberation in the mind of the beholder. My ultimate point is simply that when
I let someone f**k me, I need to feel like I am fully getting f**ked.

I literally need to feel afterwards like I was just "f**ked by a train", put in my place, unable to walk
and happy to know your my man!


If I felt that content everyday, I would bend over backwards for you, shower you with
kisses and do anything I can to make you happy!


Look at it this way TD, I am a total bottom and in order to remain a total bottom I literally need to get fucked everyday. My "a**hole" is then no longer an "a*hole", is has in reality become a


My perception of that 'p**sy' can only be sustained via consistent exploitation, and thereby in
return my chosen identity as a f**king sissy remains intact for you to affirm and reinforce if you so
The more often you choose to f**k my p**sy and or feed me cum, the more dedicated I will remain your very own "c**k loving p**sy".

Having said all the above, and no doubt your probably thinking the worst of me and saying
to yourself, "what else does this guy think of besides just sex?". Well rest assured baby, I can think of many other more mundane things to do and accomplish besides being a cock craving cum slut, but like I said TD, I know my limitations...

Very few men also appreciate all the time it takes for a bottom to prepare himself, to remain hygienic and always ready for his man.


When in a relationship, I always douche and shower several times everyday so I am
therefore ready for any potential, or spontaneous sexual opportunity that may arise and to
guarantee maximum anal and oral hygiene, penetration and pleasure. Can you appreciate it?

I possess many captivating talents both in and out of the bedroom.

I'm a highly trained ************ and ********* practitioner who specializes in treating and maintaining male sexual health integrity.
I'm also a fabulous cook, an excellent housekeeper and organizer!

I have also held several houseboy positions in the past all of them were dependent upon my
sexual servitude, which was consensual and both mutually rewarding for everyone involved to say the least.

I do have a very fun, spontaneous and accommodating personality. I always gravitate to more dominate men who prefer exploiting my more submissive feminine nature behind closed doors and in bed.

Speaking of tall chicks, I'm also very tall TD, and very much 'chic'. And yes, both men and women also find me alluring and attractive.
I do have very refined (androgynous like) facial features. I was once a highly paid fashion runway model briefly in my youth in California.

Men have always wanted to f**k me my entire life. I s**ked off my first cock when I was only 14 and got f**ked by a much older man when I was barely 16. Rest assured, that too was very consensual. I am 46yo now, 6'3" tall, 170 lbs I have a very slender twinkish body. I'm not bald, no bags under my eyes, very few wrinkles on my face. Brown hair and eyes, moderate light leg hair and very little arm hair. I have shaved balls, cock, chest, face and
short trimmed pubic hair.


I do live a predominately active healthy natural and organic lifestyle.

I'm not a vegetarian I love to pack lots of meat in both my holes. :o)
In closing for now TD, if your once again inspired to respond back, I hope you will send me some cock pics and please feel free to tell me more about what turns you on sexually and what you would like to do to me, or me to you in private if I was  your real time boyfriend.




Date: Monday, December 8, 2014, 5:00 PM
Subject: Re: Me = Daddy. You = boy. We = Couple. - m4m - 52 (Seattle)
To: M***

M***, thank you for your thoughtful response to my message.

I too am at a stage in my life where I only have time for the truth. So here is the truth: I am, alas, at a loss as to how exactly to respond.

You say, '... but you still have yet to tell me your size.'

You also ask, 'I hope you will send me some cock pics and please feel free to tell me more about what
turns you on sexually and what you would like to do to me, or me to you in private if I was your real time boyfriend.'

At work, I am too busy to draft a very comprehensive response, but with more time to ponder, my response to these comments would most likely be along the lines of, 'You responded to my posting, so you have a sense of what I seek. You've seen pictures of me, so you know how it is I look. We've exchanged emails, so you have a sense of how I think . Now, you seek intimate pictures of me and want to know what I want to do with you in private. I am the one with his cards on the table. I seem to be doing all of the 'revealing' here. You've yet to even show me what you look like. It doesn't seem unreasonable that I see with whom it is I am communicating, especially if I am going to be sharing my most intimate desires and pictures of genitalia."

So, where does that leave us? I don't know. As I read your note, there are certainly areas in which we have complimentary interests. I am, therefore, intrigued. That said, this game of 'show me yours, but I won't show you mine' doesn't strike me as the most positive way to begin a dialog.


Date: Monday, December 8, 2014, 5:33 PM
Subject: Re: Me = Daddy. You = boy. We = Couple. - m4m - 52 (Seattle)

Why do I feel like I'm pulling teeth here TD? Your choice to post face pics was your choice, not mine. I would rather you had just posted body and cock pictures!

I never send out face pics online until I feel a real connection.Remember, this is also XXXXX, not or In closing, the picture I sent you along my hyper detailed stats and revealing bio is far and above the call of duty at this juncture more than sufficient evidence of my intention wouldn't you agree?

Most top men I know are more than willing to show what they got downstairs if they got something worth showing. The fact that you still now are unwilling to tell me your full cock size is not inspiring.

After all this time, I still do not know your weight or your cock size.  Why is it hard for you to understand what a bottom needs to know?

I can't get to second base without first knowing whats on first base!

You don't seem to me to be very intuitive Don, either that or maybe your too ashamed? I don't have time to figure it out, nor am I at this time inclined to spend anymore of my energy trying to inspire you...



Now, I ask you. How in the hell do you respond to craziness like this?  And, what is even crazier, why do I feel compelled to do so?  This type of interaction has been my experience these last few years, since Sam and I broke up so that he could move back east for graduate school. Why do all the crazies gravitate towards me?

To be honest, as embarrassing as it is to admit, I actually think this crank responded to a profile or posting once before, only that time his name was, "A******.  To give him credit, if this is the same guy (the work description, age, basic physical description all match), at least that time he was willing to provide visual evidence of his appearance. Okay, I was weak, a bit lonely, and he seemed nice.  So, we arranged a date.  Alas, as has been the case with every dating experience I've had since Sam and I split, the date was a disaster from the get-go.  I got lost and was late.  His pictures were years out of date.  Our conversation was stilted and we had little or nothing in common.  It was the kind of date that makes you not want to go on dates any more.  

It wasn't quite as bad as the time I went on a date with a guy in his early twenties and half way through the meal, I noticed he didn't have any teeth.  When I asked about it, he said he'd been having public sex in a park and had gotten ambushed by some homophobes, who beat all of his teeth out.  Then he proceeded to tell me how involved he was with some very 'important' local celebrities, to whom he provided services (toothless, services) and how much they enjoyed being gummed.  The date with M*** or A****** (or whatever the hell is his real name, wasn't quite that bad, but it was pretty close.  

Anyway, back to the email exchange.  I am still at a loss to articulate how Kafka-esque has this exchange been.  

First, if it is the same guy, doesn't it seem weird that he didn't recognize me from the time we met?  Aside from having a short haircut now, I look exactly the same as I did then.  Okay, I admit, I also sport facial hair now (a chin strap), but it isn't like I've had plastic surgery or anything.  

Second, am I crazy, or do his responses appear the complete opposite of someone who claims to want to be 'submissive.' To me it sounds like he is a bossy bottom, who is only focused on his own needs.  Not very 'boyish,' now is it?

Third, no matter the venue, it is only common courtesy to share pictures with someone when responding to a personals advertisement. And, the one picture he did send, was off a tawny-skinned younger guy's ass, with the legs of a pale-skinned guys legs wrapped around it.  Clearly the picture was a screen shot from some porn movie.

Fourth, for someone who tries to make himself sound as if he isn't superficial, isn't it odd that his whole focus is on the size of my cock? I mean, I agree, if you are a total bottom, you want a guy with a decent cock that works.  But, riding the guy's cock only takes up so much time during the day.

Fifth, I may be embarrassed about many things.  My d**k isn't one of them.  It may not work quite as well as it did back in the day, but it still gets the job done.  Heck, I just used it last night to deflower a young (mid-twenties), military member, who wanted to have his first man-to-man experience before deploying.  Nice boy, beautiful body, sweet nature, built like a Viking...yowzers.  Anyway, I am only vain about 3 things:  I have beautiful, hazel eyes.  I still have good hair (for an old dude), which looks great with all the gray in it.  My d**k is pretty amazing.  Thick, uncut, curved for maximum prostate massage for the bottom, I've never had any complaints.  

You know, my friends, my fuckbuddies, my therapist, all keep telling me what a great guy am I and how I just need to put myself out there.  I think I do a pretty good of doing that...I am active on websites and apps which cater to dating and/or hooking up.  I post personal ads.  Heck, I even write this blog, telling the world that I am single and lonely and that I worry I may never have another relationship.  I've gotta tell ya, this experience is par for the course.  I've literally been on only a handful of dates since Sam left 3 years ago.  I've only had one overnight guest.  Okay, I have fuckbuddies, so it isn't like I have blueballs, but still.  It is hard not to think the problem must lie with me, when I see other guys, even other old, fat, hairy dudes finding love.  I used to tell Sam that when our relationship ended, I expected the romantic part of my life to end.  It sure looks like I was right.

At least, that is what THIS DADDY thinks.

Sunday, December 7, 2014

Is a Daddy/Lad Relationship the Same is a Master/Slave Relationship? Concept to Be Considered #1

THIS DADDY COMMENT:  To me, one of the major differences between Daddy/lad and Master/slave relationships is the perceived connection between such practices and their inclusion in what are counted as 'leather' play.  Daddy/lad relationships are as old as time.  To me they are as natural and should be as healthy and fulfilling as any romantic relationship.  While there is a 'play' component, the scope of the relationship is broader and more organic and is what comes most naturally to guys who seek out relationships of this nature.

Exploring Leather Relationships

Part 3 of 3: “Sirs” and “Boys”

Lifestyle by David Stewart (From GayCalgary® Magazine, March 2010, page 36

 In the past two months, we have taken a look at Master/slave and Daddy/boy relationships in an effort to explore leather culture and possibly clear up common misconceptions. To review, Master/slave relationships are all about the service and comfort of the Master, while Daddy/boy relationships are all about the guidance of the boy. On the spectrum of dominance versus submission, Master/slave relationships occupy one end and Daddy/boy relationships the other. While Master/slave dynamic focuses on one participant and Daddy/boy focuses on the other, the Sir/boy dynamic is a combination of the two, and can move freely along the spectrum as the situation calls.

It has been argued in the past that the Sir/boy dynamic is simply a catch-all term for a dynamic of dominance and submission between two men. While there are definitely men who use it as such, in the context of many Sir/boy relationships there are specific attitudes that set a Sir and boy apart from the Dom and sub. These traits are not universal, but they provide the basis for how the Sir/boy dynamic is implemented in the participants’ lives, which is what puts this dynamic above and beyond that of a generic dominance/submission.

The differences between the boy and a submissive arise from intent. A leather boy’s mentality is still one of submission, and he rarely enters leather culture thinking with more than the head between his legs. That said, under the guidance of a leather Sir, the boy begins to observe his Sir and other experienced leathermen as something to aspire toward. As this happens, the boy adopts an attitude of self-reflection, which inevitably leads to self-improvement. The Sir’s role in all of this is that of a steady hand, guiding the boy in the right direction. Reflection and improvement can come about in many ways, so Sir adapts to each situation uniquely. He may provide the boy with learning experiences or he may only offer the boy with guidance when needed.

However, it is atypical for a Sir to take on a boy for any extended period of time if the boy isn’t ready for the depth of this relationship style. For a boy to start his journey, he needs to be a man first. Boys are a reflection of their Sir, so it’s not right for a leatherman to take on a boy who is without a job, a car, a place to live, etc. To put it bluntly, the boy can’t be a loser.

When a boy starts his journey under the direction of his Sir, the Sir passes down the attitudes that he has learned since his own journey started. A boy who is new to leather culture earns his own leather as he demonstrates his learning, and the bond between Sir and boy grows. There are no concrete ways to go about earning leather, nor is there a definitive set of leather that needs to be earned; it is unique to the individual. In my case, my boots, belt, vest, and jacket were presented as earned leather, and each of those items have their own set of experiences behind them. Regardless of how this tradition is integrated into a relationship, earned pieces of leather represent learning and experience.

As the boy learns and grows further, he takes on more attitudes that are indicative of a leatherman. Self-reflection and self-improvement are omnipresent, but over time the Sir passes on additional qualities that will ultimately aid the boy in transitioning to a Sir (or Daddy, or Master) someday, at which time he will be ready to take on a boy of his own. Namely, these qualities are as follows:

Leadership: This may be fairly intuitive, since any dominant top is charged with the task of leading his bottom in one way or another. However, a leather Sir is expected to be a personification of the traits of a good leader: charismatic, authentic, ethical, mindful, etc. A leatherman should be capable of leading his community when called to task, and the quality of his leadership ultimately affects the quality of his community.

Balance: This attitude manifests in many forms. Sadism is balanced with compassion, confidence is balanced with humility, dominance is balanced with understanding. A solid leather Sir also balances his time in and out of his leathers, growing in the vanilla world and as a sexual renegade.

Honor: The term has been used so much in writing and in speech at leather contests that its original meaning is sometimes lost. Leather honor is a concept that best describes the value system of a leatherman. Integrity, accountability, and brotherhood are some of the ‘buzzwords’ that are used to describe this concept, but language can’t really do it justice. This is an attribute of leathermen that is best observed, rather than described.

Experience: Above all else, experience is valued in leather culture. It is through experience that personal growth manifests, and with the state of gay culture in the past 30 years—after AIDS killed off a huge part of our population—experience is even more important. Experience is what drives the learning process in leather, and the importance of experience extends to the way that leathermen play, as well. Many BDSM organizations provide how-to workshops, which results in a mechanical style of play that hampers creativity. On the other hand, learning the same techniques through experience creates a positive memory behind them, and results in creative play that surpasses the “insert hand A into restraint B” level of play.

Of course, not all boys “grow up” to become tops. Plenty of boys are quite happy fulfilling the bottom role of a relationship, but they are not exempt from these growing experiences or from passing on their knowledge to others. The dynamic between them and their top may eventually evolve into roles where teaching and learning are not a focal point of the relationship, but as previously mentioned, the dynamics of the Sir/boy relationship can shift freely as the situation calls.

This dynamic may seem very much like the Daddy/boy dynamic, however, the difference lies in the intensity. Typically, the Sir/boy dynamic requires the boy to be much more disciplined and focused than the Daddy/boy or even Master/slave dynamic. Daddy/boy and Master/slave dynamics allow for short term idle play, but the Sir/boy dynamic is really all about a long term goal. When observed from an anthropological perspective, it is simply cultural propagation.

There aren’t readily available resources that address the Sir/boy dynamic independent from the Daddy/boy dynamic (so we’re breaking new ground here!), but the best way to learn about this dynamic is to observe it and interact with leathermen. That said, I’m going to be expanding on the topics discussed in this article at the upcoming Alberta Weekend of Leather.