Exploring Leather Relationships
Part 3 of 3: “Sirs” and “Boys”
In the past two months, we have taken a look at Master/slave and
Daddy/boy relationships in an effort to explore leather culture and
possibly clear up common misconceptions. To review, Master/slave
relationships are all about the service and comfort of the Master, while
Daddy/boy relationships are all about the guidance of the boy. On the
spectrum of dominance versus submission, Master/slave relationships
occupy one end and Daddy/boy relationships the other. While
Master/slave dynamic focuses on one participant and Daddy/boy focuses on
the other, the Sir/boy dynamic is a combination of the two, and can
move freely along the spectrum as the situation calls.
It has been argued in the past that the Sir/boy dynamic is simply a catch-all term for a dynamic of dominance and submission between two men. While there are definitely men who use it as such, in the context of many Sir/boy relationships there are specific attitudes that set a Sir and boy apart from the Dom and sub. These traits are not universal, but they provide the basis for how the Sir/boy dynamic is implemented in the participants’ lives, which is what puts this dynamic above and beyond that of a generic dominance/submission.
The differences between the boy and a submissive arise from intent. A leather boy’s mentality is still one of submission, and he rarely enters leather culture thinking with more than the head between his legs. That said, under the guidance of a leather Sir, the boy begins to observe his Sir and other experienced leathermen as something to aspire toward. As this happens, the boy adopts an attitude of self-reflection, which inevitably leads to self-improvement. The Sir’s role in all of this is that of a steady hand, guiding the boy in the right direction. Reflection and improvement can come about in many ways, so Sir adapts to each situation uniquely. He may provide the boy with learning experiences or he may only offer the boy with guidance when needed.
However, it is atypical for a Sir to take on a boy for any extended period of time if the boy isn’t ready for the depth of this relationship style. For a boy to start his journey, he needs to be a man first. Boys are a reflection of their Sir, so it’s not right for a leatherman to take on a boy who is without a job, a car, a place to live, etc. To put it bluntly, the boy can’t be a loser.
When a boy starts his journey under the direction of his Sir, the Sir passes down the attitudes that he has learned since his own journey started. A boy who is new to leather culture earns his own leather as he demonstrates his learning, and the bond between Sir and boy grows. There are no concrete ways to go about earning leather, nor is there a definitive set of leather that needs to be earned; it is unique to the individual. In my case, my boots, belt, vest, and jacket were presented as earned leather, and each of those items have their own set of experiences behind them. Regardless of how this tradition is integrated into a relationship, earned pieces of leather represent learning and experience.
As the boy learns and grows further, he takes on more attitudes that are indicative of a leatherman. Self-reflection and self-improvement are omnipresent, but over time the Sir passes on additional qualities that will ultimately aid the boy in transitioning to a Sir (or Daddy, or Master) someday, at which time he will be ready to take on a boy of his own. Namely, these qualities are as follows:
Leadership: This may be fairly intuitive, since any dominant top is charged with the task of leading his bottom in one way or another. However, a leather Sir is expected to be a personification of the traits of a good leader: charismatic, authentic, ethical, mindful, etc. A leatherman should be capable of leading his community when called to task, and the quality of his leadership ultimately affects the quality of his community.
Balance: This attitude manifests in many forms. Sadism is balanced with compassion, confidence is balanced with humility, dominance is balanced with understanding. A solid leather Sir also balances his time in and out of his leathers, growing in the vanilla world and as a sexual renegade.
Honor: The term has been used so much in writing and in speech at leather contests that its original meaning is sometimes lost. Leather honor is a concept that best describes the value system of a leatherman. Integrity, accountability, and brotherhood are some of the ‘buzzwords’ that are used to describe this concept, but language can’t really do it justice. This is an attribute of leathermen that is best observed, rather than described.
Experience: Above all else, experience is valued in leather culture. It is through experience that personal growth manifests, and with the state of gay culture in the past 30 years—after AIDS killed off a huge part of our population—experience is even more important. Experience is what drives the learning process in leather, and the importance of experience extends to the way that leathermen play, as well. Many BDSM organizations provide how-to workshops, which results in a mechanical style of play that hampers creativity. On the other hand, learning the same techniques through experience creates a positive memory behind them, and results in creative play that surpasses the “insert hand A into restraint B” level of play.
Of course, not all boys “grow up” to become tops. Plenty of boys are quite happy fulfilling the bottom role of a relationship, but they are not exempt from these growing experiences or from passing on their knowledge to others. The dynamic between them and their top may eventually evolve into roles where teaching and learning are not a focal point of the relationship, but as previously mentioned, the dynamics of the Sir/boy relationship can shift freely as the situation calls.
This dynamic may seem very much like the Daddy/boy dynamic, however, the difference lies in the intensity. Typically, the Sir/boy dynamic requires the boy to be much more disciplined and focused than the Daddy/boy or even Master/slave dynamic. Daddy/boy and Master/slave dynamics allow for short term idle play, but the Sir/boy dynamic is really all about a long term goal. When observed from an anthropological perspective, it is simply cultural propagation.
There aren’t readily available resources that address the Sir/boy dynamic independent from the Daddy/boy dynamic (so we’re breaking new ground here!), but the best way to learn about this dynamic is to observe it and interact with leathermen. That said, I’m going to be expanding on the topics discussed in this article at the upcoming Alberta Weekend of Leather.
It has been argued in the past that the Sir/boy dynamic is simply a catch-all term for a dynamic of dominance and submission between two men. While there are definitely men who use it as such, in the context of many Sir/boy relationships there are specific attitudes that set a Sir and boy apart from the Dom and sub. These traits are not universal, but they provide the basis for how the Sir/boy dynamic is implemented in the participants’ lives, which is what puts this dynamic above and beyond that of a generic dominance/submission.
The differences between the boy and a submissive arise from intent. A leather boy’s mentality is still one of submission, and he rarely enters leather culture thinking with more than the head between his legs. That said, under the guidance of a leather Sir, the boy begins to observe his Sir and other experienced leathermen as something to aspire toward. As this happens, the boy adopts an attitude of self-reflection, which inevitably leads to self-improvement. The Sir’s role in all of this is that of a steady hand, guiding the boy in the right direction. Reflection and improvement can come about in many ways, so Sir adapts to each situation uniquely. He may provide the boy with learning experiences or he may only offer the boy with guidance when needed.
However, it is atypical for a Sir to take on a boy for any extended period of time if the boy isn’t ready for the depth of this relationship style. For a boy to start his journey, he needs to be a man first. Boys are a reflection of their Sir, so it’s not right for a leatherman to take on a boy who is without a job, a car, a place to live, etc. To put it bluntly, the boy can’t be a loser.
When a boy starts his journey under the direction of his Sir, the Sir passes down the attitudes that he has learned since his own journey started. A boy who is new to leather culture earns his own leather as he demonstrates his learning, and the bond between Sir and boy grows. There are no concrete ways to go about earning leather, nor is there a definitive set of leather that needs to be earned; it is unique to the individual. In my case, my boots, belt, vest, and jacket were presented as earned leather, and each of those items have their own set of experiences behind them. Regardless of how this tradition is integrated into a relationship, earned pieces of leather represent learning and experience.
As the boy learns and grows further, he takes on more attitudes that are indicative of a leatherman. Self-reflection and self-improvement are omnipresent, but over time the Sir passes on additional qualities that will ultimately aid the boy in transitioning to a Sir (or Daddy, or Master) someday, at which time he will be ready to take on a boy of his own. Namely, these qualities are as follows:
Leadership: This may be fairly intuitive, since any dominant top is charged with the task of leading his bottom in one way or another. However, a leather Sir is expected to be a personification of the traits of a good leader: charismatic, authentic, ethical, mindful, etc. A leatherman should be capable of leading his community when called to task, and the quality of his leadership ultimately affects the quality of his community.
Balance: This attitude manifests in many forms. Sadism is balanced with compassion, confidence is balanced with humility, dominance is balanced with understanding. A solid leather Sir also balances his time in and out of his leathers, growing in the vanilla world and as a sexual renegade.
Honor: The term has been used so much in writing and in speech at leather contests that its original meaning is sometimes lost. Leather honor is a concept that best describes the value system of a leatherman. Integrity, accountability, and brotherhood are some of the ‘buzzwords’ that are used to describe this concept, but language can’t really do it justice. This is an attribute of leathermen that is best observed, rather than described.
Experience: Above all else, experience is valued in leather culture. It is through experience that personal growth manifests, and with the state of gay culture in the past 30 years—after AIDS killed off a huge part of our population—experience is even more important. Experience is what drives the learning process in leather, and the importance of experience extends to the way that leathermen play, as well. Many BDSM organizations provide how-to workshops, which results in a mechanical style of play that hampers creativity. On the other hand, learning the same techniques through experience creates a positive memory behind them, and results in creative play that surpasses the “insert hand A into restraint B” level of play.
Of course, not all boys “grow up” to become tops. Plenty of boys are quite happy fulfilling the bottom role of a relationship, but they are not exempt from these growing experiences or from passing on their knowledge to others. The dynamic between them and their top may eventually evolve into roles where teaching and learning are not a focal point of the relationship, but as previously mentioned, the dynamics of the Sir/boy relationship can shift freely as the situation calls.
This dynamic may seem very much like the Daddy/boy dynamic, however, the difference lies in the intensity. Typically, the Sir/boy dynamic requires the boy to be much more disciplined and focused than the Daddy/boy or even Master/slave dynamic. Daddy/boy and Master/slave dynamics allow for short term idle play, but the Sir/boy dynamic is really all about a long term goal. When observed from an anthropological perspective, it is simply cultural propagation.
There aren’t readily available resources that address the Sir/boy dynamic independent from the Daddy/boy dynamic (so we’re breaking new ground here!), but the best way to learn about this dynamic is to observe it and interact with leathermen. That said, I’m going to be expanding on the topics discussed in this article at the upcoming Alberta Weekend of Leather.
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