DADDY HAIKU FOR 2010

Bought new home near lake.

Found love again in late middle age.

Promoted, no raise.

NOTES TO HUNTERS: A COUNTERPOINT TO NOTES TO DADDIES, SAME TITLES, DIFFERENT CONTENT. FIVE THINGS THIS DADDY THINKS EVERY HUNTER SHOULD KNOW.

NOTE TO HUNTERS # 5: SOMETIMES DADDIES REALLY DO KNOW WHAT THEY ARE TALKING ABOUT.

I've DONE the whole bar thing. I had my heart broken. I’ve gotten fired. I've been poor. I’ve lived in a cold, damp, noisy studio apartment, subsisting on Top Raman, sleeping on a futon. I've been at the stage of life at which you find yourself, really. So, sometimes when I give advice, it would be nice, if you actually took it. Sure, I am not always right, and sometimes perhaps I should just keep my big mouth shut. But, really, I didn't get this far, without learning a few things. That doesn't mean I should be a bossy pr*ck who controls your life, but it does mean I have valuable insight to offer and sometimes you might want to just shut up and listen, even if just to humor us sometimes. One of the classic reasons, aside from our hot bodies and impressive sexual prowess, Hunters chase after Daddies is because we are more ‘mature’, ‘stable’, ‘experienced’. In all the years I’ve been a Daddy, I’ve seen many repetitions of what I’ve come to think of as the cycle of life of a typical ‘Daddy/Hunter’ relationship. Hunter meets Daddy. Daddy and Hunter have a ‘connection’. The attraction is fierce. The sex is great. The romance is intense. As things progress, the Daddy engages in the mentorship and experience sharing natural for an older guy, infatuated with a younger one. At first, the Hunter eagerly listens to everything the Daddy says, taking all of this thoughtfully offered advice and counsel in. Time passes. The infatuation cools. The routines of daily life begin to intrude. The Hunter starts making more and more of his own decisions, less and less often seeking the Daddy’s advice. The Hunter wants more and more to be respected for his intelligence and maturity, and less and less to be lusted after for his hot body and sexual skills. This makes many a Daddy frustrated, he does value his young swain for things other than his hotness, but as a Daddy, he wants to be respected and valued for his experience and maturity. So he bears down, giving more and more advice and more strongly insisting the Hunter take it. They clash, mean things are said, feelings are hurt, and the relationship ends. Look, being a Daddy does not give someone the right to be a patronizing manipulator, dominating the life of another, though some Daddies do live up this unfortunate stereotype. I would hope that any Hunter who was dating someone like that would get the h*ll out of such a relationship. It does mean, however, that Daddy has knowledge and experience of value that, being a Daddy, he is compelled to share. A smart Daddy learns when to press and when to step back maybe even knowing that the Hunter he loves is going to crash and burn. Personal growth occurs through learning life’s lessons. Sometimes it takes making a mistake, maybe even a big one to grow. A smart Daddy remembers this fact. A smart Hunter, though, quickly learns that sometimes Daddy really does know best.

At least this is what THIS DADDY thinks.

(Written for and submitted for publication by www.daddyhunt.com. Publication pending. http://www.daddyhunt.com/blog)

NOTE TO HUNTERS #4: THERE WERE PROBABLY OTHER HUNTERS BEFORE YOU, AND THERE WILL PROBABLY BE OTHER HUNTERS AFTER YOU.

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Note to Hunters #3: DADDIES HAVE THEIR OWN ISSUES AND INSECURITIES

As a Hunter, have you ever been asked the question, “what is it about Daddies that you find so appealing?” If so, what might your answer be? One common answer I often hear is, “Daddies are more mature, more stable, and they bring much less drama to a relationship”. The common perception is that younger Hunters often prefer older Daddies, not because Daddies are smart or sexy or funny, but rather because Daddies are assumed to be more mature, stable, likely to introduce less drama into a relationship. What is that old saw, “You know what happens when you assume?” As hard as it is to believe, Daddies are humans too, having their own issues and insecurities. This doesn’t make Daddies ‘bad’ or mean any attempt at a relationship is doomed, it just means both Daddy and Hunter entering into a relationship need to be realistic. So, what might some of these issues and insecurities be? Daddies worry about their potency and performance. Daddies worry about going gray, getting fat, and going bald. We worry about their prostates getting swollen, our memory failing, and our salaries not keeping up with our peers. Do Daddies have more life experience? Yes. Do Daddies care about things other than what Britney and Paris are doing? Yes. Do Daddies want to be respected and valued for these things? Yes. But do Daddies want to be sought out only because we are more ‘stable’, more ‘mature’, and come with less 'drama'? Nooooo! Like anybody else, most Daddies want to be enjoyed for the pleasant companionship we offer. We want to be thought of as sexy. We want to be perceived of individuals of quality and worth. Think about it. Aren’t those the same things that most Hunters want too? Any serious, lasting relationship, will have to ‘get real’ at some point. The honeymoon will end, the infatuation will fade. At this point, the relationship will succeed or fail based on how ‘real’ each partner sees the other and how willing they are to deal with the ‘realness’. Just like you might not always remain the perfect boy, with the body of death, and the powerful sexual allure, something Daddies need to remember, you may need to remember that Daddies are sometimes going to be scared, fat guys, with thinning hair, bad knees, who can’t get it up, and who are nervous a out losing our jobs. As a Hunter, if you can learn to accept and love us for (or in a pinch, in spite of) these insecurities and issues, your relationship with the Daddy you love will be stronger, healthier and last longer.

At least this is what THIS DADDY thinks.

(Written for and submitted for publication by www.daddyhunt.com. Publication pending. http://www.daddyhunt.com/blog)

NOTE TO HUNTERS #2: NOT ALL DADDIES ARE THE SAME (TASTES, INTERESTS, NEEDS, DESIRES)

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NOTE TO HUNTERS # 1: A HUNTER IS NOT AN OLD MAID AT 25

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It is Healthy to Spend Our Middle Years Pining for our Youth, Isn't it?

No.

Nobody who knows me will every accuse me of being Sister Mary Sunshine. Being 'positive' and 'upbeat' are just not a natural part of my makeup. So, when I find myself being the 'positive' one in a conversation, something is most definitely off.

I've spoken before, tangentially at least, of a young friend of mine who lives across the country. He is a very high-quality young man, who has been with his current partner for about 2 years. He is in his early 20's, his partner is pushing 50 (as am I, we are both 47). Oddly, his partner looks a lot (eerily so) like me. This young man and I chat often. I am friend, mentor, adviser to him. In addition to a certain amount of harmless flirtation, one of the things we chat about most often is his relationship.

Last night he confided in me that he is considering, for many reasons, ending this relationship. I could list the many reasons he gave, but one of the greatest reasons, "I just can't make him happy". I've explained over and over to my younger friend that it isn't his job to make his partner 'happy', rather it is his job to 'add' to his partner's happiness. Apparently when they first started dating, his partner was active, fun, upbeat, but he has now 'slid' into a funk, from which my young friend cannot raise him.

One reason, apparently, for his partner's current unhappiness is the fact that he is aging. He is no longer the hot, tight, muscled-out law enforcement officer he was when he was in his youth. He has bad knees, is over weight, and often has headaches. All he seems to want to do is hang around the house, sitting on the couch, watching 80's TV dramas on cable. From what my friend tells me, he (the partner) seems to resent and be jealous of the boy's youth and vigor.

Okay, how much sense does that make, holding your boyfriend, who is young enough to be your son, 'responsible' for the fact that you are aging? It doesn't make any sense at all. We all age. It sucks, but there is it. We get fat, our butts sag, our feet go flat, our hair gets gray and/or falls out. Our dicks stop working (or at least stop working reliably) and our ability to 'date' drops like a stone, since our culture only seems to value youth and beauty.

It happens, get over it. It is an exhausting waste of energy to long for the past, to focus on what was (or what might have been). Trust me, I get it. I used to be a hot, tight, little, Italian muscle boy. I used to have a 44 inch chest, a 29 inch waist. I could run 1.25 miles in 9.38 minutes, and do two hundred situps without breaking a sweat.

Now, I have the 44 inch waist; I get winded if I f*ck too hard or too fast; my knees ache; I have a 'boggy' prostate; and (while I rarely use it since my 'fun parts' still work pretty well), I keep a current Rx for Viagra active at all times. Okay, do all these things mean I should sit at home alone in the dark, watching, "Matlock" and bemoaning my horrible fate? No, absolutely not. Sure, I'd love to have a 29 inch waist again. I'd definitely love it if my knees didn't ache all the time. I'd be thrilled if I'd kept up with all the working out I used to do and looked a lot more like the aging, muscle-daddy I should be, rather than the chunky, bear-daddy with a receding hairline and a beer gut that I am. But, I am what I am, I look how I look, and my life turned out (at least so far) the way it turned out.

So, what are the 'things' that we should focus on at our age, instead of all the negatives? Here are a few:

1)Hot young boys, granted few and far between and hard to find, sometimes still find old, fat, hairy guys like me (and like my friend's older boyfriend) sexy as hell. The proof, my older brothers, is in the pudding. My young friend is one of the hottest young men I've ever seen. Built like a soccer player, he has a beautiful smile, a masculine manner, is a total bottom, and has a fine, fine (did I mention just how fine?) ass. Yet, he is hot for older, hairy, bearish guys. Why, I don't know. I, for one, find the concept preposterous, since I find guys like that totally unappealing. Yet, there it is.

2)We have 'different' positives now than we did then. So, we don't have tight waists and our knees ache. But, as I told my young friend, "Now I have a house with a view of the lake, where I can sit on my deck (or during the winter in my sitting room), with my crazy dog at my side, holding an appletini or a good beer, looking at the lake, taking in the view". At 27, I couldn't have afforded the house near the lake. And even if I could have, I'd have been too busy or too focused on other things to appreciate it.

3)There is absolutely nothing we can do about it, aging that is. Sure, we can all strive to be in better shape, to eat better, drink less, have a healthier lifestyle (I know I certainly should), etc. But, and I hope I am not breaking this news to you: we are all going to age, whether we like it or not. Aging is hard enough. Spending all of your time upset and frustrated, depressed and shut in so you can't enjoy the positive aspects that DO exist, is dysfunctional and totally unhealthy.

My young friend loves his boyfriend. He blames himself for the (apparent) failure of the relationship. Sure, he bares some responsibility, no relationship collapses because the fault is only on one side. But my young friend is hardly solely responsible for why the relationship is failing. Part of being the 'daddy' in a relationship is leveraging the experience and maturing we are supposed to have gained. Is it mature to focus on your lost youth? No. Is it healthy to resent your handsome, young boyfriend because his life is just beginning and yours is cruising into middle age, No. For heaven's sake, haven't any of you guys seen, "Evergreen" or, 'The Star is Born"?

As I started with, when I am the guy who is at the 'positive' end of a conversation, it is pretty rare. And, to be honest, sometimes I don't even follow my own advice. But, I am trying. Really, truly I am. Perhaps some of you older guys should try too?

Lyons and Tigers and Bears, Oh My!

Why, oh why, WHY OH WHY, is it in the Bear Community, as opposed to other communities, that if a 'boy' finds bears attractive, he seems to think he MUST do everything in his power to look AS MUCH like the bears he desires as humanely possible? I don't get how 'cubs' connect dating a guy that qualifies as a 'bear' means they must look like that themselves. I never get why 'cubs' have such strong urges to look just like the guys they seek, when so many people prefer 'opposites'. For the life of me, I do not now, never have, and likely never will grasp this idea.

As you might have guessed, I had another one of 'those' experiences: Chunky boy, with facial hair which makes him look 10 or 15 years older than he is flirts with Daddy, who clearly and repeatedly points out in his profile that he prefers non-bears, non-chubs, and non-older looking guys. When Daddy says, "Thanks for the flirts, it is always nice to be appreciated, but, I prefer younger guys, without facial hair", boy gets upset, makes self-deprecating comments about how he knew Daddy wouldn't like him anyway, because Daddy only likes twinks. Then boy goes on to bemoan how none of the hot 'Daddies' he likes, finds him attractive. When Daddy points out that perhaps if what he is doing (like wearing the ugly facial hair, which makes him look 10 years older than he is, when he is actively seeking to date someone who prefers younger-looking guys) isn't working, perhaps he should try something else (like shaving off said ugly beard), boy gets defensive and angry, accusing Daddy of using 'stereotypes' and not 'listening' to what the boy is saying.

Okay, let's take the points in order:

1)Boy is a stereotypical cub: once slender, hot and boyish, now chunky, bearded, looking 10 years older than he is, like the bears he finds so attractive;

2)Boy makes negatives comments about himself ('nobody wants me', etc,) and 'accuses' Daddy (and all other daddies) of only liking 'twinks';

3)Daddy explains that, no, he isn't necessarily into 'twinks' there, as hard as it is for the Bear community to believe, there are guys who aren't either 'twinks' or 'bears';

4)Boy gets defensive, accusing Daddy of, "...over-analysis and sweeping generalizations, ..." then disappears.

In this instance (well, in many instances I've had similar to this, which is what drives me to write about this over and over again), the 'boy' missed my points made in the exchange completely.

First, we all have our tastes, and we all have our 'admirers'. It can be hard to find a 'match' between these two things, but it is never, EVER appropriate to say demeaning things about yourself. What, you want someone to throw you a 'pity f*ck'?

Second, when he mentioned that he wasn't being as successful as he wished in meeting quality guys (older, masculine, bearish, whether he admits this or not), I suggested that if what he was doing wasn't working, perhaps he try something else. In this case, I suggested that older guys, especially those who prefer younger, tend to want their guys to look younger. If they wanted to date or sex someone who looks their age, they'd date someone who looks their age. This set him off like a landmine. He kept repeating over and over again (this was kind of a lengthy email exchange), "but I love to kiss guys with beards and have them give me head and rim me, I really like the 'intensity". I must have said in response at least five times, "You can have all the 'intensity' you like. I am not suggesting you not enjoy KISSING a guy with a beard, or enjoy having a guy with a beard rim you or go down on you. I am merely suggesting that the 'right' guy might be someone like me who, liking younger guys, actually likes the guys he dates to look younger, not older, just like you like the guys you date to be stocky and hairy. I can't change being stocky and hairy...you can shave off the beard, which might open up more opportunities. Come on, boys. It is one thing to have confidence in what you like and what you don't. It is another to get stuck so deeply in a rut and complain about how it isn't working and how unhappy you are.

I don't like guys with facial hair. Fine. my opinion is just that, my opinion. But don't waste my time and yours complaining that I don't find you appealing. I always upfront in my profile(s), what I like and what I don't. First, as I've said myriad times, my opinion isn't 'all that'. It doesn't mean squat, except to me. Second, have a little pride in yourself. Third, take some constructive criticism. What do you have to lose?

So, all 'Daddies' are Creepy, Old, Predators? Not According to Sam...

The other day I watched a really interesting movie called, 'Clandestinos'. In a review of the film on IMDB a reviewer says, "....The film was watchable and had closure and despite having some questionable pedophilia over tones (sic) an admirable and worth a look film." I found this comment odd and I worried, as I started to watch the film, that it would therefore be full of creepy, old, predators, preying on youths. Instead, the film, to quote from a different passage in that same review, portrays, "After escaping from a dentition center our three teen miscreants are on the path to survival and for one a quest to prove themselves. the film highlights the usual (but by no means boring) aspects of teen life - peer pressure, individuality and sexuality." While the movie does deal with relationships between older and younger guys, and involves incidents of male prostitution, it contains no overt sex scenes, very little nudity (no more than in a typical European independent film), and the actors playing the teens were all in their 20's when the movie was produced, all portrayed as being 17 years old, or older.

I mention the last part because as I talked about the film with a young man, he was (having seen the movie himself) furious (when I mentioned it) that the reviewer would refer to what happens in the movie as, "...having some questionable pedophilia over tones (sic)." To quote him (or nearly so), "Oh yes, all older guys that prefer younger guys must be horrible predators. We, younger guys, must all be helpless innocents, without any urges or needs, who helpless fall victim to these perverts". (Author's note: I am not a skilled enough writer to properly describe Sam's sarcastic, ironic, and irritated tone as he said this. You, my gentle reader, will sort of have to imagine that for yourself.)

I should point out that this young man is 25, is preparing to go to graduate school, and works with juvenile sex offenders. Like many a 'boy', he believes that it is perfectly natural for people of different generations to date or form romantic or sexual relationships. He scoffs at the idea that a younger man (in this film, one still technically a 'teen' but clearly bordering on adulthood), is incapable of pursuing an older man or must somehow be a damaged soul, unable to protect himself from the greedy clutches of some old predator.

Clearly there are predators out there who prey on the young, or inexperienced. Clearly, anybody who seeks a sexual relationship with someone legally defined as a child (someone who under the law is defined as being 'underage') is a pervert. This sort of behavior is unacceptable and should not be tolerated.

I recently had an interaction on a website (explicitly restricted to users at least 18 years or older, I personally would never visit any website that didn't have such a restriction) with a fellow who Im'd me out of the blue and began the conversation with, "Boy, I am glad the legal age in this state is 16". I was appalled, offended, and immediately shut down the conversation, stating that I thought this conversation was inappropriate and that I didn't wish to participate, and then blocked the user from IMing me again. It sickens me that there are adults out there who prey on young people like that.

To be honest, though I've also had the opposite experience. I've been IM'd by young men who start out a conversation with, "I should tell you, I am really 16, but I have to put 18 in my profile, otherwise the moderators will delete my profile." I do essentially the same thing with these individuals. I tell them it would be inappropriate for us to chat and ask that they not attempt to engage me in such chat again, and then block them.

I would never seek to be with anybody under 18. But, I have been with 18 to 20 year olds (oddly, in both cases I am thinking of in particular, both frat boys, both who contacted me out of the blue while online, each insisting that they liked 'daddies') . These young men clearly knew what they wanted, derived pleasure and fulfillment from our time together, and had obviously done what we did together before. How do I know this? In each case, they asked to see me again, and did. In both cases I still occasionally get Im's, texts, or phone calls asking about getting together. Both are now in their mid to late 20's.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again, one problem in socializing with younger men is that they are never as mature as they think they are. That is true at 17 and at 27 (heck, even 37 or 47). I've also said that too many older guys are users and act in predatory or trollish ways. But, are there times when a young man who is chronologically on the cusp of maturity capable of knowing what he wants and is therefore 'mature' enough to get it? The young man to whom I spoke seems to think so. I am not sure what to think. I don't think this idea is just some fantasy, dreamed up by older guys so that it can be portrayed in film or literature. Maybe I am wrong, but I've talked to too many young guys who've insisted that, when they think back to their youths, they felt 'ready' and prepared to be sexually active at ages I'd certainly find unacceptable. I am not sure how I feel about all this, but it is something upon which I've been pondering.