An Opinionated Daddy's View of Life

Sunday, December 30, 2012

How Did You Meet Your Daddy or Boy?

I saw on REDDIT today, a thread with that title. (How Did You Meet Your Daddy or Boy? )    The thread, submitted ago by daddys_boy88, asking the question, "I know there are a few people in relationships on here and I was just wondering where people generally meet their partners. I'm just curious to hear of other people's experiences and I'm sure others are, too. I would love to hear some good stories here."

I've often wondered the same thing myself.  As I've said before, I have tended, in my own socially, dysfunctional way, to meet the guys I date online or through personal ads.  I think only 3 times in all my years of chasing tail, have I met guys in social situations which lead to some kind of relationship or another.  I met one guy at church...he hit on me.  I met another guy at a Halloween little brother called me at the last minute saying, " need to find a costume and get to this party...there are people like YOU here..." And, I met my first love at a dance recital...I walked in, told the friend I was with, "I am going to get laid tonight if it kills me."  I looked over, saw a cute guy (obviously know how sometimes, even from across a room, you can just tell) and the rest, as they say, is history.

Sam, my former and likely last young man, and I met on Daddyhunt.  We'd cruised each other's profiles a couple of times, each assuming we didn't meet the standards listed by the other.  Well, it turned out we were both wrong.  Even though he was actually dating someone else at the time and we were just supposed to be 'hook up buddies,' we hit it off and fell in love.

It was really interesting to read the responses.

At least, that is what THIS DADDY thinks.

Thursday, December 27, 2012

The Guyliner: Taking on the Internet One Gay at a Time


The 25 Men You Should Never Date

Posted: 27/12/2012 00:00

There are so many good guys out there -- you almost need two hands to count them. But in among the gold, is the tin. The sand in your sandwiches, the rain on your parade. The world is full of men you shouldn't date, for every kind of reason.

If only there were some kind of test, or a 'tell', so you could easily divine the dregs from the demigods. There's no magic answer, but if your potential beau is a 'yes' to any of the list below, it may be time to cast your net a little farther.
You should never date a man who...
1. Panic-buys Christmas presents from the Boots '3 for 2' gift department. Nobody needs that much 'body butter', thanks.
2. Has illegible handwriting.
Is he scrawling "love you" or "fuck you"? Who knows?! Special dispensation for doctors. Doctors are hot. Usually.

3. Has a pet name for his car. Or his cock.
Minus another ten points if when he locks his car, he walks away from it and then looks back to check---- well, what, exactly?

4. Says "it's designer" when talking about his clothes.
5. Says 'YOLO' -- even if he's doing it ironically.
6. Refuses to ride shotgun in a minicab.
What else won't this lily-livered lace handkerchief do if he won't do that?

7. Gets embarrassed while tipping his barber.
Not to mention one who fucks his barber in exchange for a free short back & sides.

8. Puts raisins in a curry.
9. Thinks good spelling is more important than sexiness.
A well-spelled word is a thing of beauty, but mealy-mouthed pedantry is the anti-erection.

10. Says "I speak as I find".
11. Says "quelle surprise!"
Unless he's French. Then that hot Gallic bastard can say what the hell he likes.

12. Retweets parody accounts.
Especially all those ones pretending to be the Queen or X Factor alumni.

13. Asks you to 'inbox' him.
14. Expresses surprise at The X Factor result.
The producers decide who's going to win halfway through the run, most years. Why do you care?

15. Drones on about errors/vitriol in the Daily Mail.
Yeah, we get it. The DM is bad and evil and poorly written. Thanks for your brand-new opinion. It doesn't care whether you like its disregard for semicolons, present participles or anyone who isn't a WASPy old fart from Henley-on-Thames.

16. Calls Coca-Cola "fat Coke".
17. Uses a fake name when asked for it in Starbucks.
18. Uses the word 'ledge' when they mean 'legend'.
19. Buys supermarket-brand cling film.
It doesn't cling to the things you want it to.

20. Uses 'methinks' in general conversation.
Unless he's a Jacobean squire roasting a hog on the village green during Michaelmas.

21. Attempts to dress sexily at the gym.
Muscles are the only thing he should be pulling during his workout, not bits of fitness-worshipping fluff.

22. Doesn't laugh when people fall over - unless it's you doing the falling.
Also, doesn't really work if it's old people on icy paths. That's kind of evil.

23. Corrects people's grammar on Grindr.
He's not at a book club; he's there to be brutalised sexually like everybody else. If he wants to look highbrow, maybe he should wear a mortar board in his profile pic.

24. Dresses like an exam invigilator.
It's okay to wash a jumper every now and again. And, no, chenille doesn't feel nice.

25. Is in his 30s and is thrilled to still be asked for ID when buying booze and/or cigarettes.
Yeah, some checkout drone thought they'd have a laugh and ask you if you were over 25; you're not Peter Pan.

And one more for luck...
26. Writes blogs about who you should and shouldn't date
The delicious irony is, of course, that I am a physician without a cure. I'm at least 10 of these men. Well, nine. If you can guess exactly which ones, I owe you a pint.

But once you look the list over, you're highly unlikely to want me for a drinking partner.
Follow The Guyliner on Twitter: 

I Agree!

At least, that is what THIS DADDY thinks.

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Those Who Can't Do Teach...

So, I think I've reached the 'teacher' stage of my romantic life.  As you know if you read my blog with any frequency, I've been single now for well over a year.  As the time passes and I find myself dateless, I tend to look back at when I did have a dating life.

Oh, don't get me wrong, I still have lots of opportunities for sex, just no opportunities for anything more than that.  There is, for example, the late-20's country boy who comes by every week or so for some quality 'daddy/laddy' time.  I am even in talks with a 21 year old college student to do some intense 'tutoring' sessions.

All of this is fun, or at least it should be, shouldn't it?  I mean, I've had sex with some of the sexiest, most amazing guys you can possibly imagine.  Unlike many of my peers, I've also had serious relationships in which I've imagined I was loved.  It turns out I was substantially wrong, of course, at least in some cases, but still.  And in the end, real love or not, each has ended, some abruptly, some with warning, but all have ended.

I find it interesting that my role as 'tutor' has essentially been on-going since I first came out and started f*king guys in 1985.  Whether serious, long-term, or hook ups, almost to a one, after taking 'courses' from me, all the boys I still have some sort of connection with have (Sam; my ex who lives down the street; Bad Paul, Craig, Michael, and the list goes on and on) gone on to long term serious relationships. Many, in fact, have gone right from me into the 'love of their life' relationship, meaning they are still together.  My ex who lives down the street, for example, was already telling the nelly, borderline retarded, skeez for whom he left me, "I love you," while my ex and I were still living together.  So, he's never really even has a single day in his life (at least not since he came out at 29 when he started seeing me).

So, I am proud, I guess, that the guys I've 'taught' have learned their lessons well.  I mean, like any 'daddy' it is my job to mentor, teach, and share what I have learned and then, like a mother bird, watch as my little chicks grow their wings and leave the nest.  But, as I get older, I wonder if am I really strong enough to keep 'tutoring,' without the opportunity to be in a lasting relationship of my own. 

My therapist insists that I am not the issue, rather it is the guys who I date. who can't commit or are too emotionally damaged, or too emotionally immature for a long term relationship.  And, it is true that I have always attracted damaged guys, or novices more in love with being in love, than perhaps being in love with me.  But really, what is the common denominator in all of this relationship ebb and flow?  Me.  So, it seems to me that it only makes sense that there must be something wrong with me that causes this churn.  Is it that being with me is such a trial, that being with anyone else is better or easier than being with me?  Is it that I am such a good teacher, that once I've 'taught' someone, they make great boyfriends, ready to be snatched up by someone else? 

Sometimes I feel like a stereotype out of a chick flick.  Like, Meg Ryan or Carrie Bradshaw.  I've heard, 'it isn't you, it's me' so many times, I should have cards printed up that I hand out on every first date, so if things go well, he'll have it in his wallet to pull out when the time is right, or if it doesn't work out, he can hand it to me in lieu of a good night kiss.

I know some of the most repulsive people, true ogres, who are happily partnered.  Like my former boss.  She is both physically repulsive (she is the only person I've ever met who is both a pizza face...her face is so pocked it looks like she has leprosy...and a butter face, she wears so much makeup that her wretched skin looks like it is sliding off of her skull, all at the same time).  She has a personality which is so evil that knowing her makes me glad I believe there is a hell, since I know she is bound there on a fast train.  Yet, she not only has friends (which is hard to believe, since she is such a vile human being) but is also involved in a seemingly happy relationship. I mean, for heaven's sake, if someone that ugly and loathsome can have a long-term, loving relationship, shouldn't I be able to as well?

I am starting to feel like Mr. Chips, never destined for a long-term relationship of his own, rather his worth is in the 'students' he teaches and sends off into the world.

At least, that is what THIS DADDY thinks.

"Fill the World With Love" (Petula Clark, Boys Chorus)
Uploaded on Oct 9, 2010
Goodbye, Mr. Chips (1969 film)
[ available to purchase ]

Goodbye, Mr. Chips is a 1969 American musical film directed by Herbert Ross. The screenplay by Terence Rattigan is based on James Hilton's 1934 novella of the same name, which originally was adapted for the screen in 1939.

Sunday, December 23, 2012

Speaking of Dating Sites....

Okay, I admit it, I have profiles listed on;;; and even on OKCupid.  Results?  Zilch, zero, nada, Nichivo.  I am especially surprised at the 'matches' that each of the 'cupids' used by these sights sends me.

On Gaydating, for example, I am sent daily a list of matches.  When I check out those matches, inevitably that individual's profile states he seeks someone like: 

My Partner's Looks

  • 18 - 35
  • Native American, Asian, African/Black, Hispanic/Latino, Middle Eastern, Bi-Racial, Pacific Islander, Caucasian/White
  • Athletic, Average, Muscular, Slim
  • Black, Dark Brown, Light Blonde, Auburn/Red
Of the items I state in my profile, even the most casual viewer would find:

  • 50 
  • Large

Okay, so I prefer 'stocky' or 'beefy' to 'large', but still.

Anyway, it would seem clear that of the qualities my 'match' lists,  I only possess only one:  I am white. So, just how in the heck are we a 'match'.  Puzzled, I sent the following message to their customer service:

This is more a comment. Why is it I receive "New Match - Meet Username" when I clearly don't meet that individual's criteria, usually age. In the bulk of such invitations I've received, the user clearly states a preference, usually age, that I don't meet. So, it is a waste of my time to even respond. That seems like a pretty obvious criteria by which the system should be screening people. 

Their response (in part):

In response to your concern, the cupid matches are set up to find new members in your general location and age range. If there aren't any members who meet these criteria the cupid matches will send you the members who are closest to fitting the specified criteria....

I am hardly the sharpest tool in the shed, but it would seem like no matter what it is that I might seek, if I don't meet even the most basic of his stated requirements,  we can hardly be a match.

To be honest, I'd rather not get 'matches' with whom I am not a match.  Granted, that might mean I never receive any messages, but still.  I mean, for heaven's sake...I get that the 'cupid' can only know and match some of the most basic stuff which appears in a can't sort by whether or not the guy has nice feet, or whether or not my thumb is a good example of what it is my d*ck looks like...but, shouldn't it be able to tell that is I am 'large' and '50' and he seeks someone skinny, 35 or under, or vise versa?

This disconnect would seem to make the whole idea of listing what qualities we seek and what qualities we possess moot. 

At least, that is what THIS DADDY thinks.

Friday, December 21, 2012

Civility is as Civility Does

December 8 at 6:14pm
... looking forward...
... to more good word...
... in your blog...

... pray you well...
... and if spirits fell...
... only into pools...
... of grace...

I don't know who this, "laeth" fellow is...but by golly it is sure nice when I hear from him.  Not because he likes my blog, etc., but he just seems like an awfully nice fellow.  Sending nice thoughts to a stranger over the internet.  Wow, that is really different...usually it is just mean-spirited jabs sent by anonymous cyber thugs who glory in being able to attack folks without repercussion.

I hope that 2013 is a wonderful year for this laeth fellow.  In fact, I know it will be.
At least, that is what THIS DADDY thinks.
Strangers in the Night is a 1966 album by Frank Sinatra.
The album marked Sinatra's return to #1 on the pop album charts in the mid-1960s, and it consolidated the comeback he started in 1966.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Buck Up, Princess Named a Top 100 LGBT Marriage, Dating and Relationship Blog!

I don't know if this is significant, but Buck Up, Princess has been named a top 100 LBGT marriage, dating, and relationship blog, by is written by Joseph Atkins, who (according to his blog) loves blogging about relationships and dating. The site focuses mostly on gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender dating and gives recommendations on dating sites to join and blogs to read for the LGBT community.

Perhaps you should check it out?

At least, that is what THIS DADDY thinks.

Sunday, October 21, 2012

The Forgivness Factor #3

Author's note:  second in a series of 3.

When you experience a breakup, especially if you both feel that continued contact is important, it is vital to stop tearing each other up.  It isn't good for either of you  Do you each need to be introspective about what you've done wrong and right, about how you behaved, yes.  Should you learn from any mistakes that were made, yes.  But, if you continue to tear yourselves up over what was supposed to be something good (the love you shared), all that will do is taint it and ruin it.
If you've loves someone and it was a 'good' love, it seems to me that together or not there is a need for the love to have meant something.  No matter how things ended up, it is important that the love was a 'good' love, a healthy one, and one that deserves to be cherished.  I am sorry if believing those things make me seem like a needy desperado, but this is what I believe.  
For all the pain and heartache I am experiencing with then end of my relationship (or at least the romantic part thereof) I am currently experiencing, I wouldn't trade it what we had.  I just wouldn't.  Being with him didn't make me happy, nobody could do that.  But, being in that relationship allowed me to express the happiness I bury deep inside.  No relationship is perfect, and breakups are almost never so.  And, perhaps with the distance in time, things seem much 'rosier' than they actually were.  But, being with him brought a joy and spirit that my life was sorely lacking.  He made me feel sexy, made me take myself less seriously, and made me experience new things.  And, the most important:  he seemed to 'get' me.  He was able to look past the gruff, grumpy, rumpled, old military officer to find the loving person I tend to hide.  With all of he turmoil and chaos we are currently experiencing, during all of our introspection, I am pushing that we don't forget all the good things.  It is important for those things to have been real.  
At least, that is what THIS DADDY thinks.
Maria Men - The Art of Forgiveness

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

After You Were Mine

‘a little bit’ stuart crowther 

after you were mine,
I wondered what happened
after you were mine. 
not mine.
not a shrewd as belonging, not as finite as possession-
rather I
borrowed you for a while,
less like the replacement for some faulty appliance
more like a treasured acquisition - a tome,
housed in a library somewhere I’ll never visit but might think of
on some idle morning as the kettle boils and
letters drop forlornly to the mat
and I catch myself…sometimes…I’m
thinking - on a rainy weekend or a broken tuesday
which seems fit for little else - 
wondering where you are, and who’s borrowed you now
who’s inhaling the scent of your pages and adding a
sentence or two.
in a cursive script,
much neater than mine.
i remember the shape of you, sketch the illustration, but blur the edges
imagine a technicolor version where there was really
only a limited palate
as limited as my own
at the time.
but we painted each other in primary tones,
stuck to the lines,
caring nothing for the shades and the scribbles that would follow with time
and with age.
i kept you intact for a while,
painstakingly guarding your covers then
passed you on
a good sport
to someone else, who could decipher your wisdom,
a specialist in text I couldn’t read any more
after you are mine,
I wondered.
who you’d lend yourself to
and hoped his hands were clean.

COMMENT:  I came across this video on Youtube, then searched for this poem which appears at the end of the video.  The poem struck me very intensely.  I am not much for poetry, but sometimes a poem (or a song, or a video, or other piece of art) just hits the mark about how you feel or think about something that is happening or has happened in your life.  For me, this immediately evoked my feelings about Sam and the new bloke to whom he has 'lent' himself.  I hope that bloke realizes how lucky is he.  I knew how lucky was I when I, "borrowed" Sam for a time.

At least, that is what THIS DADDY thinks.

Sunday, October 14, 2012

The Forgiveness Factor #2

Author's note:  second in a series of 3.

One of the things that is hardest to do is too look someone in the eye that you feel you've wronged in some way.  It can cause embarrassment or shamed or wounded pride.  In experiencing any of these feelings, or other related feelings, it is important not to resent the person.  Self preservation often makes people 'blame the victim.' Natural it might be, health it isn't. If someone loves you, if he has any level of maturity, will likely believe those feelings are unnecessary. 
If the love is/was real, you will remain, right or wrong, a major part of his life.  You may moving onward and upward, and perhaps chaos, turmoil, and recrimination may be a way of breaking the emotional ties that bind the two of you together.  Again, not healthy.
If, having hurt someone without meaning to do so, you may believe you don't deserve continued love or connection.  You may even somehow come to resent the 'lover' for being willing to continue loving you, even though you've caused so much pain.  Well, those feelings are on you.  I wrote recently in my blog that I am someone that needs to give love.  Granted, I'd like to be someone who is loved, but to me that is secondary to the giving of love.  Needing to give love is a powerful thing.  For me, I continue to love and care about each of the men I've loved.  Maybe that is selfish on my part.  Maybe in a way, by taking out the need to give love, it cause too much pressure and strain, making an end to the connection harder. 
I don't know.  For me, though, telling someone I love them means that I do.  I am the one, for heaven's sake, who lives in a house 80 feet away from the man I spent 10 years with, who dumped me for some borderline, retarded, nelly, skeez with whom he took up while I was away at the war.  Yet, we still see each other regularly and he even keeps one of the cars (and a couple of assorted motorcycles) in may garage.  Weird, perhaps.  But, for me love may change, but it never disappears entirely.

At least, that is what THIS DADDY thinks.

Lee Fields and the Expressions, "Still Hanging On" 

Sunday, October 7, 2012

The Forgiveness Factor #1

As you all know, if you read this blog with any frequency, I am currently undergoing some turmoil with the lad I have loved.  While we are no longer a couple, and he has found someone new, we are struggling to define what is our new relationship and how we fit into the lives of the other. During our heart wrenching conversations, we've talked about a range of topics, a big one being forgiveness.  the Forgiveness Factor posts represent how I feel about forgiveness, in the context of our relationship.
While it hasn't been sought, the topic of whether or not I can be forgiving of any hurt I may be experiencing has been front and center in our discussions.  I don't think he needs my forgiveness.  If he loved me (or still does, in one way or another), and he was sincere in that love, no matter how it played out or other issues that revolved around it, it is the love that is important, not the havoc. We all make mistakes and we all act in ways that meaning to or not hurt others.  It is human.  If he wants my forgiveness, he can have it.  It is freely offered and freely given. In Christianity, and in most other major religions, in one form or another, one of the major tenets is 'treat others as you treat yourself.'  I know if he'd been hurt by something I said or did, no matter how I intended it, I would want his understanding and his forgiveness.  So, I am trying to treat him as I would like to be treated myself. I need to stop being so judgmental and self-righteousness.  I also need to learn not be so 'blaming' and so obsessive about past injuries.  It isn't healthy for me and I just don't have the strength. I don't want to lose his respect, and if being forgiving (or feeling like forgiveness isn't required) causes him to lose respect for me, makes me seem like a wimp, or a desperado, well that is his issue to deal with, not mine. 
At least, that is what THIS DADDY thinks.

Carina Round, "Pick Up The Phone"

Friday, October 5, 2012

Pre-geezer no Longer

In an effort to be charming (hey, I am Irish-Italian, it comes with the job), I once posted a dating ad on Craigslist entitled, "Pre-geezer seeks Post Adolescent."  Me, being an older guy who dates younger ones of course, being the "Pre-geezer."  Well (cue the music from the theme of Hawaii 5-0, boys and girl),  I am no longer a "Pre-geezer," I am the real deal...

I am not really sure how to feel about becoming a "senior." I mean, I still look pretty good (well, except for being so fat), my man parts still all work (not that there is anybody around for me to use them with, alas).  I have a steady job, a nice house, a crazy job.  So things should be jake.

Alas, not so much.   In the last couple of years, I've written about how much I was learning to enjoy aging, how happy I was.  This year, I am definitely struggling to keep up that attitude.

As I've said before,  I like having gray hair. I think, especially now that I am wearing it longer, it makes me look distinguished.  I continue to appreciate things in ways in which I wasn't capable, when I was younger. And, as almost anybody who knows me can tell you, I am altogether a better man.

At 48, I had someone I loved and who loved me. At 49, he left for grad school on the East Coast, starting a new life, without me, including the act of falling love with someone else.  As I turn 50, having not had a decent date in a year, continuing to miss the big dork like you wouldn't believe, and for many other reasons, it strikes me as likely that was the last 'great' love of my life.  Am I glad I experienced it, you bet your ass.  For all the pain I am experiencing now, I wouldn't change a minute of it.  But, having had what seemed like such a 'good' love, it seems highly unlikely that I'll be blessed with such again.

At 48, I was in fine health.  At 49 I became diabetic, started having high blood pressure, and my cholesterol numbers were dismal.  At 50, despite exercise and pills, this things are still issues.

Turning 48, I had a job I loved, though a boss I hated. At 49, I liked my boss, but my position had changed, my duties downgraded, and my FTE cut to 60%. As I turn 50, it looks like using the LEAN process over which I presided, may have resulted in me writing myself out of a job.  How crazy is that?

We all go through periods during which we struggle. I tend to struggle with the '9' years. 49 was definitely a '9 year' in a big, big way. I continue to wonder whether going through all of this stuff seems harder because I am older (as is having the measles, which is gets harder the older one gets), or having had such a good couple of years, I've just forgotten what a couple of really bad years feels like and am therefore out of practice as to how to best deal with them.

Like last year, I have the experience to know, 'this too shall pass', so that is good, I guess. I also still have a house (though it is old and falling apart) and a crazy dog I love.  Then, when I wrote about my birthday, I wrote that I wasn't sure I'd ever felt this lost before. My wonderment on that subject remains. 

As I said last year, "Life is, as we all know, all about transitions, some good, some not so good. There really isn't that much we can do about it. Understanding this is a lesson we can all do a better job of learning, I know I sure could. I'm working on it but man, is it tough right now."  And work on it I did.  Alas, this past year all I seem to have done is swim against the current, without making any significant progress.  And, I am not sure how to feel about that. I mean, it isn't like I have that many years left these days, now is it?

At least that is what THIS DADDY thinks.

The Ventures LIVE ON STAGE 2000!!! Washington.
Nokie Edwards; Bob Bogle; Don Wilson; and Leon Taylor

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Kind Note From a Reader

I received the following email from a kind and thoughtful reader.  I have no idea if it is original prose or not.  But, he was kind enough to send it in response to some of my postings, so I'd like to share it with the other readers.

... read your latest...
... blog post...
... with a bit of identification...
... and more than a bit...
... sadness...

... having been on both...
... the much more often "not able"...
(... too given to wandering to anchor thus...)
... and the longing...
(... sometimes wishing against that wind...)
... ends...
... i know the entirety sucks...
... far, far more than a cheap salve...
... of ill-quoted Tennyson...
... can soothe...
... even if it be sooth adamant...

... and i certainly have not...
... learned where to yield...
... do i submit a wiser mind...
... and a wizened heart...
... or shall i prepare...
... to judge myself a fool...
... if ripened heart is the harvest...
... of conceit indiscriminate...

... and while being content...
... to gather the manna of the day...
... and hope not to carry over...
... may be spiritually mature...
... it seems i may be contentious built...
... truly wanting a long sabbath...

... alas...
... i shall pray found that...
... balance...
... of desire and require...
... so that heart and mind...
... grow strong, fruitful...

... and wish beyond hope...
... that challenges as yours...
... are again presented...
... in the blog here...

Daddyhunt, October 2 at 4:33am  

Doing nice things for another, known or unknown, enriches the soul.  We are, after all. All in this together. Right?

At least, that is what THIS DADDY thinks.

 The Mountain Goats (stylized "the Mountain Goats") are an American folk rock band formed in Claremont, California by singer-songwriter John Darnielle. For many years, the sole member of the Mountain Goats was Darnielle himself, despite the plural moniker.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

There is No Fool Like an Old Fool

Boy can I confirm the truth of this statement.  It's been over a year since my last relationship ended.  You know, the one about which I often write.  For all the brave talk of how I understood from the beginning that he was too young (24 when we met), neither ready, nor interested in having a relationship, and that I understood those facts, and when into the relationship anyway.  That talk has turned out to be so much hot air. 

One of the reasons it ended was his 'need' to not be in a relationship.  He had 'things to work out' which he insisted made it (in addition to the things I mentioned above) impossible for him to be in a relationship with romantic or long-term overtones, with me or anybody else.  He never really explained why (or more correctly when attempting to explain it, never clearly articulated the reasons) this was the case.  Well, apparently it wasn't that he was incapable of being in a was that he was incapable of being in a relationship with me. 

From the day we met, he made it clear he didn't like Seattle and that he intended to move to Boston, as Boston was his version of, the Emerald City from, 'The Wizard of Oz.'  Well, I guess that has turned out to be true.  In a year he has conquered all of his issues, is not only ready to be in a relationship, but has apparently been in one for several months.  A fact just revealed to me last night.

I am experiencing this revelation as powerfully as if it was the original break up.  I didn't sleep last night, I've been on the verge of tears all day.  Sigh, this behavior is totally ruining my butch, gruff, military officer persona.  The worst thing...I still love him and want nothing but his happiness.  Even after arguing on Skype for nearly 3 hours last night, my heart in tatters, those desires remain true.

As with his inability to articulate his reasons for being incapable of being in a relationship, he has been inarticulate in explaining his need for our continued contact.  Despite our break up, we've remained very close.  We text, email, talk on the phone, and Skype regularly.  Almost every contact ends with one or the other of us telling the other how much we miss and still love the other. In order to support this life transition he has made, I've let it be up to him how much contact we have.  I am rarely the one to initiate it.  Still, as happens in situations like these, there has been the occasional drunk text (or perhaps late night, insomnia-related, exhaustion enduced text)  in which I've broken down and declared my continued love and desire for him.

We have both stated that being a couple made each of us a better person.  I am glad he feels that way, and I am certainly glad to feel the same.  I have a history of dating guys who were 'novices' in relationship, or just coming off a really bad relationship.  So the relationship wasn't so much about wanting to be with me, rather it was more about the individuals being surprised that someone could and would love them. I was more representative of something, not the personification of something.  That said, I thought this relationship was different.  I thought we were together because we wanted to be, not because either of us 'needed' to be.  I guess I was wrong.

Okay, as odd as it may seem, I know my anger will dissipate and our relationship will continue it its odd way.  I know he has a big place in my life.  He has had such a place since we met and he probably will for years to come.  He is, for example, coming to Seattle in the near future and I hope to see him then.  Granted, I was hoping we'd do more than hang out, but that isn't possible now that he is in love with and committed to someone else.  I respect that. I do.  I think I know how his boyfriend would feel if he knew Sam was coming here and was going to sleep with me.  To this day the idea of someone else having sex with Sam makes me want to throw up.  I imagine the new guy would feel the same. I know now that he is serious about someone else, his interest and need for contact with me will diminish, and the memories of our time together, for him will fade. But will I remain always glad to get a text, a phone call, and email, or have a Skype session with him, sure. Because I care about Sam, I am glad he has resolved his 'issues' and is having a happy life.

I've written before about the need for 'daddies' to understand that a relationship with a younger man is likely not a 'forever' relationship.  That if one doesn't understand that or isn't strong enough to deal with that fact, perhaps one shouldn't be dating a younger man. I guess when I look at it objectively, it isn't him at whom I am so mad, rather, it is I at whom I am angry. As the old saying goes, 'there is no fool like an old fool.'  When he first mentioned that he was coming back for a conference and he wanted to see me (and sleep with me) I was thrilled.  I made plans to get a full HIV and STD screening during my upcoming 'old guy' physical.  I planned to work out more, have the house cleaned, and the dog groomed, so that we'd all look good for him when he came.   How ridiculous is that?  I mean, it was kind of silly before, but now knowing he is with someone else, well....

This is where the being an old fool comes in. I don't feel like a fool for loving Sam, I could never feel that way.  I certainly am glad that we had our time together.  I've never felt so comfortable with anybody, never been so consistently happy, never been more the 'best' of me I could be. I wouldn't change the scenario for the world.  Though, I admit, during our argument I said both of those things to try and hurt him.  As they say, though, 'if you can't do the time, don't do the crime.'  I didn't mean either of those things and he didn't seem to (I hope he didn't) really believe that I meant them. (Author's note:  back in the day he occassionally read this blog, so I hope if he reads this entry he will pay attention to this part and the part about our continued contact, and not focus so much on the other stuff.)

As much as I thought I would survive and thrive when he left, it turns out I was wrong.  I haven't been on a decent date since he left.  As much as I have always enjoyed sex, these days, on the rare occasions I have it, it just doesn't quite measure up...because it is not with him and not the way we did it. The guys have been sexy, the sex (for the most part) has been fine, but the intensity and feelings that Sam and I shared just weren't there.

I am tired of being the 'training wheels' for guys.  It isn't what I want and it isn't what I deserve.  So, what is about me that attracts guys that seek that and why am I attracted to those guys.  I just don't know.  And, at my age, it is humiliating and embarrassing not to know.  I feel like your time together was more of a 'fad' for him than anything else, sort of like the interest in vegan cooking, late night jazz clubs, having a full cocktail bar, being a child advocate, etc. I mean, he was sincere in each one of those fads, until he wasn't.  Sam keeps telling me that I am spinning our relationship in the worst possible light.  He keeps insisting that he did love me, that I was important to him, and that I remain so.  Maybe he is right.  Maybe I am just not mature enough (despite my advanced age) or far enough away from the situation to see those things as being true.  I just don't understand how can he so easily and quickly have made the transition from loving me, to loving someone else. I haven't been able to do so.  I told him last night (well, I didn't express it exactly this way, but...) that I felt like a character from the book, "He's just not into you."  A character whose boyfriend breaks up with them because he just isn't 'ready', then three months later the character learns he is engaged.  Whether or not he is right or I am, my logic and emotional systems just can't understand it. Perhaps I never will, which leaves me with the impression that  our relationship wasn't serious to him and that there is clearly something wrong with me.  I am trying to see his side of the argument, but I just can't.

I wrote in a recent post that it wasn't so much that I was looking for love, or seeking to be loved, as I was looking to give love.  I guess I was wrong.  Or, perhaps, not quite right.  Am I glad that he still 'loves' me, sure.  Am I, despite my inability to see it, glad that I remain important to him, sure.  But when is it my turn to be someones 'the one?'  When do I get to stop being the relationship training wheels for others?  I am beginning to think that time will never come.  As much as I try to remain positive, at my age, I am not sure I have the emotional strength or physical energy to keep putting myself out there.  What is it they say, "what is the definition of insanity:  doing the same thing over and over again and yet expecting a different result." 

At least, that is what THIS DADDY thinks.

Billy Joe Shaver is a Texas country music singer and songwriter. Shaver's 1973 album Old Five and Dimers Like Me is a classic in the outlaw country genre.

Saturday, September 15, 2012

Where do Older Lads Go?

I've often wondered.  The older I get (and boy am I old, I turn 50 a month from now), it seems the younger the lads get.  Having been back in the dating pool for over a year now (though at the shallowest end of the pool) the only guys from whom I receive any attention are guys young enough to be my son.  Seriously, I get hit on by guys who are 20 or 21...there was even  one young sailor, 19 years old, who expressed interest in getting into my pants. 

Now, I prefer younger guys, of course, and Sam was 24 when we met (I was 46).  But Sam is a special, 'young' man, so the vast age difference wasn't a real issue for us.  He wasn't looking for a parent, he didn't want someone to 'take care' of him.  He wanted to have sex with me because he found me sexy, not because I was 'nice' or 'stable', etc.  It, the age difference, had ramifications, of course (he didn't want to introduce me as his boyfriend to some of his friends for fear they'd think it was too weird he was dating an old dude, his compulsion to move to Boston for graduate school because he 'had' to do so, etc.), but it (the age difference) didn't really have an impact on our day to day lives together.  It didn't interfere.  We were just as attracted to each other the day we parted as the day we met, we still loved being together, the sex was still fulfilling, etc.  Those things said, though, I am more than willing and anxious to acknowledge that under most circumstances, a 22 year age difference (when the younger guy is in his 20's and the older one in his 40's) is not the best marker of a successful, long term relationship. 

So, my question is:  where are the hot guys in their late 20's to late 30's who were 'boys' at 21?  Are they all taken?  Are they no longer interesting in 'boying'?  I can't figure it out.  As I've written before, I think guys can continue to be boyish into their 40's.  My ex (the one who lives 80 feet away from the little house on the Big Lake), at 45, is still quite boyish.  I recently went on a date with a really hot Brazilian boy, aged 39 and he is very boyish...okay, he does have a bald spot, but still.  He was boyish as all get out.

So, where do all the 'older' boys go?  As someone approaching the big 50, I am acutely aware that my  dating options, whether I like it or not, are dwindling.  But, I still think I have a great deal to offer.  I am a much better person than I was at 30 (ask Sam, he'll confirm it for you).  I am calmer, more patient, much easier going.  I have a nice home (messy and a bit down at heel, but still nice), a good job, a crazy dog, etc.  One would think I'd be a hot commodity.  Heck, if I was a straight guy, I'd have chicks crawling all over me.

I am not now, nor was I when I met Sam, expecting to have a 'serious' relationship with someone more than a generation younger than myself.  It was a surprise to me that the best relationship I'd ever had was with someone so much younger and so different.  But, as I said, that was a special case and Sam is a special young man.  I am not living on pins and needles awaiting another hot 24 year old, with a hot ass, nice feet, who is a total bottom, and loves to call me, 'Daddy' during special intimate moments.  If I was, I'd likely be setting myself up for disappointment.  No matter what the age, finding a great love is hard.

Is it unrealistic to think that there are tall, skinny, bottom boys in their 30's, with nice feet and nice asses around?  I shouldn't be.  But for some odd reason I am finding it so.

At least, that is what THIS DADDY thinks.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

What Do You Do When The Person You Always Wanted to Be When You Grow Up Dies?

In a few weeks I turn 50. Turning 50  is sort of a major milestone, a least in our culture. For me this milestone is made even more poignant by the recent death of an old and cherished friend.

Mo and I knew each other for nearly 30 years.  When we met as young sailors, each just leaving active duty to join the reserves. We could not have been more short, stocky, homely, loud, obnoxious, impetuous, gay as a goose; him: tall, slender, blond, handsome, calm, poised, elegant, yet we became friends.  As the years passed, our military careers sometimes intersected (we both became reserve officers) and diverged (I changed career fields, he returned to active duty), yet, we always close.

Mo is the one who taught me to love beer and baseball.  We were there for each other through successful relationships and not so successful relationships.  As the years past, we became mature sailors, our military careers flourishing.  Yet in some small way we remained, at least when together, the young sailors we felt ourselves to be in our hearts.  We talked about the Navy's Core Values (Honor, Courage, Commitment), values he exemplified.  We talked beer and baseball.  We talked about leadership and mentorship.  We had many a long discussion about how screwed up is the Navy (at least sometimes) and the ways in which we just knew we could make the Navy better, if they'd just appoint put us in charge.  While the Navy, she is a harsh mistress, we both loved her with a passion.  As we neared retirement, we looked forward, as old sailors tend to do, to drinking beer, watching baseball, and sharing old sea stories with each other.

Alas, that will not happen.  Brave, humble, poised, showing grace until the end, he passed away in the arms of Virginia, the love of his life last Friday. 

I found out he was ill in January, ironically at the funeral of another old shipmate.  Not wanting to worry us (the 'us' being me and some other close Navy buddies) he pulled us aside and said, "I know this is an awkward time, but I am not sure when I'll see you all at the same time in the same place.  But, I have to tell you, I have cancer."  We were all shocked.  He was as tall and handsome as ever.  He was calm and upbeat about his prognosis.  He assured us we needn't worry.  He'd keep in touch and let us know how he was doing.  As recently as March, when I had them (Maurice and Virginia) over to dinner, he looked good.  Playing down his illness, positive he could win his battle with cancer, he was as funny and joyful as always.  

It was a surprise, therefore, to receive a text from Virginia in June telling me he'd been in the hospital for 9 days and might not leave it.  She encouraged me to visit him.  Visit him I did.  Ironically, my office is located in the building next to and attached to the hospital in which he was staying.  He was literally just about 200 yards down the hallway from where I work.   I took great advantage of that closeness.  I tried to visit every day, two or three times a day.  We laughed, we told stories, we talked beer and baseball, and we laughed some more.  We did all the things we hoped to do together as old sailors.

As the days passed, he weakened.  Yes, as he did everything, he dealt with the progression of his illnes with grace and poise. When asked he had any unfinished business, his response (so, I am told), "No, I've had a wonderful life."  Later, when told there was nothing else to be done, he thanked his doctors and other caregivers for their efforts on his behalf.

Still mentally aware, he actively discussing options (home hospice care, movement to a treatment center, etc.) with his family. His goal, to spend as much time as remained with those he loves.  One day, while visiting, I was talking to his family and sort of out of the side of my mouth gently teasing him, 'You KNOW how bossy he is...' and such. Exhausted, lying in bed, eyes closed, he'd been listening to every word, still capable of grinning at being teased.

When I was leaving, his parents came to speak with me. They started to talk about funeral arrangements and
such. He was to receive, as he well deserves, a funeral with full military honors. While I appreciated knowing the plans and moved by how he wants his wishes carried I was also not willing to give in. So, I told his parents, "The last time I wore my Blues was to the funeral of another old friend. I know I'll need to have them cleaned and pressed, so I look sharp at Maurice's funeral (he'd never forgive me if I didn't.) But, I am unwilling to take them to the cleaners just yet, as that seems like sending a karmic message of defeat. I don't want to do it until I have to. And, right now, I don't and I am planning still being at least a while before I do."  I am not really sure any of us knew how soon it would turn out to be.

When I last saw him, he remained mentally aware, but had very little energy. He was spending most of his time lying in bed, with his eyes closed. During my time there, he woke from a deep sleep (I could tell he was asleep, because he was jerking like a dog does when he has 'doggy dreams'), but remained lying back with his eyes closed. I said, "Maurice, are you awake?" His eyes popped open and he cracked, "God, I hope so" then smiled and went back to sleep. This was to be the last time we spoke. 

As the life of any military officer, your personal life takes a back seat to your professional life.  In this case, as his illness reached its end, I was sent by the Navy on active duty in Hawaii.  Before I was to leave, I told him I would be away for a few weeks and that he needed to promise me that he'd still be around when I came home.  As these things happen, his poor body wore out and he died before the end of my tour.

While it was suggested that I cut my trip short, I know that Mo would never forgive me for shirking my duty by leaving my assignment early, even to attend the funeral of a valued and beloved friend.  So, I'll be on watch, well, just having completed a 12 hour mid-watch, when his services occur.  I've already spoken to Virginia and told her that I'll be observing a moment of silence to coincide with the services. It seems the least I can do to honor my old friend.

So, what do you do when the person you always wanted to be when you grow up dies?  I wish I could tell you.  I could spout a bunch of cliches about finding joy in some form or another every day.  I could tell you to hug the ones you love and remember to tell them how much you love them as often as you can.  Death affects us each differently and we experience differently with each one that occurs and at which age it is when we experience it.  Perhaps when I've had more time to process my friend's passing, I'll have more sage advice to give.  At the moment though, other than to spout the above cliches, I don't. 

At least, that is what THIS DADDY thinks.

Uploaded by TraavikInfo on Feb 1, 2012

A-ha's eternal pop evergreen performed by young accordeon players from KUM SONG School, filmed in Pyongyang, North Korea december 2011. Part of multi-genre project THE PROMISED LAND by director and artist MORTEN TRAAVIK.

Oh, for those of you who won't get the connect, don't worry about it.  It is an inside joke between Maurice and I.  He'd get it and laugh and laugh and laugh.  Fair winds and following seas, my friend.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Does Where You Live Help or Hinder Your Love Life? A Response.

Below is a blog posting which appeared on a website I regularly visit.  My comment in response to the posting appears below it.

by: RobHeartsDH, published on the website, "Daddyhunt"

New York City is probably one of the best places for a gay man to be single. It's also one of the worst to be single and looking for a serious relationship. Then again, I thought that Pittsburgh was a terrible place to be a single relationship seeking gay man, and now it's on a list of the Top 10 Cities Where Gay Singles Are Looking For Marriage And Kids. Keep in mind, this list doesn't tell you the best places to secure a man seeking a serious relationship, but rather where the men are looking for one. Whether it's lack of options or lack of focus, it seems that all the friends I talk to around the world are unhappy with where they live in regards to being a single gay man. I've thought about leaving NYC more than a few times, but wonder if the city is really the problem.

So I ask, do you feel that where you live has negatively or positively affected your dating life?

AB-SO-LUT-EL-Y!  Every city or region seems to have both a 'type' and a requirement to either live up to that type or to find that type appealing.  When I was stationed at Pearl Harbor, for example, I'd be at Hulu's (the sort of 'main' gay bar there, at least when I lived there) and I would frequently run into Haoles (non-locals) just moved to the Islands from the Mainland complaining that they weren't interested in dating, 'orientals.'  Okay, ignoring the fact these Haoles were being racist by using a word which describes carpets to describe people, exacerbated by the fact that they were lumping people of all sorts of different ethnic types into some kind of amalgamation, they were basically excluding a large majority of the folks they were likely to meet from their dating options.  Face it, Hawaii has a lot of Hapa (mixed race) or Pacific Rim guys. Just like Miami is full of hot Cubanos or Latinos and Atlanta is full of hot African-American guys, Honolulu is full of hot Pacific Rim or Hapa guys. 

I have a similar experience now that I live in the little house by the big lake here in Seattle, except I am now the one living in the place where there are few of the types of guys I find appealing and lots of guys I don't.  Seattle is Bear-central.  The 'look' here is stocky, hairy, 10 years older than you are, balding with a beard (or heaven forbid a goatee) worn to hide a double chin or make up for some perceived lack of masculinity.  Not my thing at all.  Not.  Did I mention that Bears aren't my thing?  First, before the flaming starts, let me make it clear:  there is nothing wrong, nor do I intend to suggest there is anything wrong with Bears or bearish guys. Not one little thing.  As a bearish guy myself, I am glad as heck that some guys find thick, furry, older guys appealing.  I just don't happen to be one of them.  Again, Bears (or chubs or older) DOES NOT EQUAL BAD. Those types are just not to my tastes.  That said, you should read and hear the abuse that I take when I am online or if I post a personal ad seeking social interactions for living in a Bear town and not finding Bears appealing, especially since I am bearish myself.  The mania and sensitivity around Bears and the focus on them here borders on the bizarre.  If you have the gaul to admit you aren't into bearish guys, you are immediately accused of only being into twinks (as if there were only two types of guys) and somehow thinking you are all that and a bag of chips.  If I didn't live here and hadn't experienced it for myself, I'd never believe it.  In Seattle older is not encouraged to date younger; smooth are not encouraged to date hairy; opposites of any kind are strictly forbidden to date.  It is the RULE.  Okay, a short Bear is sometimes allowed to date a tall one, but that is about the extent of the 'flexibility' found here.

So, yes, living in Seattle and the culture and 'look' that exists here have a major impact on dating for me.  They always have (before you ask: I've lived here much of my adult life...state job, elderly parents, (former) partner, little house by the big lake, etc. are what keep me here) and likely always will.  Seattle is a notoriously cold and unfriendly place, polite, yes, friendly no.  I think it has to do with the high tech environment here...people who flock here just feel more comfortable chatting online or texting rather than dealing with each other in person.  So you add that to the restrictive 'type' orientation here, and sucks.

Dating is hard anyplace.  But, boys and girls, I defy you to find a place where dating is harder than it is here in Seattle. I dare you,

At least, that is what THIS DADDY thinks.

Uploaded by on Apr 7, 2011
Seattle was Perry Como's 17th RCA Victor 12" long-play album, the 15th recorded in full "living" stereophonic sound and the sixth featuring Dynagroove technology.

Friday, June 8, 2012


How often is it that you hear a song or see a movie that evokes experiences memories of your real life?  I don't know about you, but to me it happens all the time.

It happened to me the other night when I was watching, "The Graham Norton Show."  This episode featured, "The Scissor Sisters."  Not having been a big fan, I didn't expect to enjoy seeing them perform on the show.  Yet, from the minute the song started I got a big smile on my face.  The song, "Baby Come to Me."  Why?Well, it brought back all of those times while I lay in bed waiting for Sam (my now former young man) to come home from carousing with his friends or co-workers. You'd think those would be unhappy memories, but not really. Because as the song says, " don't matter 'cause I know that you love me."

Let me make one thing clear, very paternal, I am a worrier by nature.  It is a trait I seem to have adopted from my Mom.  Not always a good one, I admit...but still, there is it.  Sam and I used to argue about this all time.  He'd be out socializing with his friends, while I'd be at home, lying in bed not able to sleep, worrying that he was lying dead in a ditch some place. Silly, true, but real too. 

I wasn't a hip, young, dude, even when I was a hip, young, dude.  I don't enjoy clubbing.  I never have and likely never will.  I've never understood why the gay social hour doesn't even start until 2300.  It didn't make sense to me when I was young and it makes even less sense to me now. Having been in the Navy for over 30 years, I've spent more than my share of long nights awake (working), so the idea of staying up until 0300 for 'fun' just isn't fun for me. Not when there is a warm, comfortable bed waiting for me.

Logically, I knew that Sam was out having fun with his friends, dancing, drinking, listening to jazz, whatever.  Still like other guys, I'd still have those occasional 'old dude home in bed, while his young buck is out partying' insecurities.  Then, I'd hear those cabinet doors slamming down in the kitchen or the clomping on the stairs as he climbed the stairway leading up to my bedroom and I'd be filled with relief.  Relief and happiness.  See, unlike in previous relationships, I knew that whatever he might be out doing, even if it was something about which I might not approve, he would still be coming home to me.

A smart man has confidence that he is loved, even if acting a tad insecure now and then.  He shouldn't expect a lad young enough to be his son to stay home every Saturday night and be in bed by 2300.  Nor, honestly, should he try to party like he did in 1999 when he himself was a young buck, if that isn't his inclination. All that does is create frustration and cause tension in a relationship.

I've seen too many May/December relationships where one or the other partner is 'required' to do things he might not be inclined to do.  The old dude, tries to keep up with the young one, because he is too insecure and worried up to what his lad might be.  Or, the younger dude expects the old dude to party all the time.
Of course, these sorts of things are what compromise in a relationship is all about.  But there is a difference between compromising and giving up completely your needs to try and satisfy the insecurities of your partner. In every relationship, both parties need to have at least a few of their own interests and a few of their own friendships. 

So, while it might not make any sense, thinking of those times makes me smile. Sure, at the time I was perhaps grumpy and stressed and might have let that show, but I was always glad to see him, any time, any place. Isn't that how it is supposed to be?  Seems like it to me.

God willing, I'll get to lay in bed, wishing my baby would come home to me again sometime in the future. Not likely, granted.  But there is always hope, right?

At least that is what THIS DADDY thinks.

Published on May 25, 2012 by
Scissor Sisters performing Baby Come Home from their forthcoming album 'Magic Hour' live on The Graham Norton Show 25th May 2012.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Real Men Don't Drink Appletinis....

Really?  I beg to differ.  Not to ruin my butch, military officer, daddy-like persona, but nobody enjoys a good appletini more than do I.  I was introduced to them after a change of command ceremony by the wife of one of my shipmates.  While normally I am a beer guy, sometimes a girlie drink just satisfies. I mean, come on.  Admit it. Sometimes one of those drinks with the little umbrellas just hits the spot.  So just why is it okay, therefore, for, 'Men's Health' to tell me I am lacking in masculinity, because sometimes I enjoy a Cosmopolitan rather than a Fat Tire?

I hate it when others decide to define what is 'man-like' and what is not.  Like sexuality, masculinity follows a spectrum.  Perhaps some of us are on the 'butcher' end of the spectrum and perhaps others are on the 'nellier' end of the spectrum.  But, if we are male, we are by definition masculine.

I've written before about how much I hate stereotypes.  Yes, communities like ours tend to branded with them and to use them against ourselves.  I mean, how many of us are guilty of thinking that all lesbians are fat, hairy, man-hating, male wannabes, who have hairy legs and only wear flannel?  Well, okay, that stereotype is probably a little more accurate than others, but you get what I mean ( KNOW how they are. Ew, gross...I mean, for heaven's sake, why would anyone...ooops, sorry, I digress).  It is a sign of insecurity and lack of maturity to perpetuate a stereotype.  It is a sign of something worse to use these stereotypes against others, especially others of our own kind, in order to shame them.

These days there is a lot of talk in the media about bullying.  What is one of the primary reasons young LGBT teens get bullied? It is the perception they act in a stereotypical way (either girlie for young boys or butch for young girls).  So, if it is bullying for young straight boys, insecure in their manhood, to bully other young boys they perceive as 'fags,' how much worse it is when we do this to our own kind?  Talk about self-loathing or internalized homophobia.

At one point, Sam (my former young man) commented to me  that he was surprised I found him appealing because he wasn't very 'masculine'.  I took umbrage immediately.  Sure, Sam is a lot 'softer' than am I, being a more politically correct, hip, young gayboi, and perhaps a bit further towards the less butch end of the spectrum than am I, but he is definitely all male, and therefore masculine. He works out like a fiend. He enjoys a range of other, 'masculine' activities.  Bathing is not a priority for him. He doesn't care that much how he dresses.  Sometimes he may act a tad nelly (just a tad, I admit) but he is all boy, trust me.  And, who amongst us doesn't have a flame that sometimes shines brighter than others?

We demean and diminish ourselves when we buy into the stereotype foisted upon the media.  It is a sign of strength and maturity when we do not do so.  Sure, like others, I have my own issues and my own insecurities, as do we all.  But one thing I am not insecure about is my masculinity. I believe we all should be, no matter at what end of spectrum it is at which we might find ourselves.

At least, that is what THIS DADDY thinks.

Uploaded by on Sep 14, 2009
Dedicated to the most perfect cocktail....

This song is inspired in the music of TOM JOBIM and LES BAXTER , and a tender tribute to my soul hero RICHARD WRIGHT . Most of the arrangements were recorded using propellerhead software to put down sounds as MELLOTRONS, MELLOTRON 8 VOICE CHOIR, MINIMOOG AND ACOUSTIC GUITARS.

Sunday, May 13, 2012


Author's note: sometimes it is good to go back and revisit previous writings to see if they still hold up and to see if, given perspective (and wider readership), new questions or comments will arise from readers. Over the next couple of weeks I'll be re-running some pieces from the early days of my blog, in addition to some new pieces, so some long term readers may have already read the re-runs. Whether or not you've done so, I encourage you to comment on either the new or old pieces.

Gay culture, not unlike other cultures, is often perceived to be all about stereotypes. This is never truer than in any of the 'named' cultures (Bear, Leather, S&M, etc.). The ‘Daddy/Hunter’ community is no different. As a Daddy who spends a lot of time, much too much time, I have to admit, online chatting, I get frustrated when I hear perfectly attractive and high quality Hunters bemoaning the fact they can’t find a Daddy to date because they aren’t…insert stereotypical ‘boy’ requirement here: young, slender, smooth, tall, athletic, etc. Really, boys and girls, Daddies don't all expect, require, or desire the same things. All you need to do is spend 5 minutes perusing the Daddy profiles online, preferably on Daddyhunt, of course, but online on any Daddy/Hunter site will do, to see that, just like Daddies exist in all different shapes and sizes, Daddies have every different kind of taste and interest imaginable. You can find profiles of Daddies looking for girlie boys, masculine boys, tall boys, short boys, hairy boys, smooth boys, smart boys, shy boys, rough boys, boys of color, and on and on and on. Sure, lots of Daddies seem to prefer only younger, smoother, etc., but not all. Not every Daddy lives up to the presumed stereotype. Not all Daddies spend their entire lives chronically in search of some 'perfect' boy who meets some idealized, unrealistic standard. Okay, I admit, Daddies do tend to prefer that the Hunters they desire find older guys appealing, but then, who of us doesn’t want to be thought of as sexy? I know THIS DADDY certainly does. Not all Daddies have some unreasonable expectation that any boy they pursue be both perfect and static (i.e. always looking young and hot, etc.). Okay, stereotypes exist for a reason. Sometimes, maybe more than sometimes, people live up to one stereotype or another. Most people don’t. The trick is finding a way for the ‘right’ Daddy to meet the ‘right’ Hunter. That is the beauty of online communities like Daddyhunt. Such venues are safe places where we can share information about who we are, what we seek, and what it is we have to offer, affording us unique opportunities to form connections with those with whom we have complimentary interests. So, buck up, boys and girls, it has worked for me, it can work for you. I promise.

At least that is what THIS DADDY thinks.

(Written for and submitted for publication by Publication pending.

The Hollies - Have you ever loved somebody
Uploaded by rebecca241290 on Jul 27, 2008

As THIS DADDY has said before, gay culture, not unlike others, is often all about stereotypes. The ‘Daddy/Hunter’ community is certainly no different. Ironically, just as Daddies are often tarred with the notion that they are only interested in dating Twinks, Hunters are often tarred with the notion that they are only interested in dating Daddies who look like Tom Selleck, drive BMW’s, live in lofts, have the financial resources to jet a Hunter to Manhattan on a whim to shop for Prada. This is a load of bunkum. Just as Daddies have a multitude of tastes and desires, so do Hunters. I don’t know about you, boys and girls, but many times I’ve been online chatting, and have seen some Daddy saying some self-deprecating, negatives things about himself. Things like, ‘oh, at my age, my dating life is over’, ‘oh, I am not rich enough or successful enough to find a Hunter’, ‘Oh, I am HIV positive, nobody decent will ever want to date me again.’ As much as I hate to admit it, THIS DADDY himself has been guilty of this kind of negative self-talk. It is easy to fall into this trap. But it is a trap, my fellow Daddies, a deep, dark trap into which you must not allow yourself to fall. I was single for over 3 years after a very serious 10 year relationship, which ended very badly, before I found myself in a new relationship. Having given up on the idea of ever having a serious relationship again, I met a nice young man on Daddyhunt (wow, who’d a thunk it?) Neither of us expected anything serious to come of it, but, as these things sometimes happen, something serious did. If it could happen to me, it could certainly happen to you. Sending out a message that reeks of desperation, or having a piss-poor, negative attitude about yourself, those are things likely to prevent you from being successful at dating. Realizing what it is you have to offer, being confident in who you are, those are things that are likely to help you a quality Hunter with whom you can share your life. At least that is what THIS DADDY thinks.

The Hollies - A Taste Of Honey
Uploaded by KeatonsAnnex on Mar 12, 2008
"In Concert" 1969.

Sunday, May 6, 2012

How Long is Long Enough?

I was asked to go on a date the other day.  Not a hook up, not a coffee honest-to-goodness date, date.  I had a nice time, it even ended with a kiss, a rather chaste kiss on the lips, and an offer of future dates.  It, the experience, was very quaint and very sweet.  He even followed up over the weekend with a couple of texts.  Isn't that how dating is supposed to be?  

Tall, younger (27), nice smile, artsy, genuine, intellectual, a tad full of himself (on the surface, but with a boyish, impressionable quality beneath), he is an artist, after all, my date had that whole, 'hip, young, gay, I buy all of my clothes at Goodwill, 'nerd/hippy boy' thing that I seem to find so appealing these days.

So, what was the problem?  He was too much like Sam (my former young man who moved away for graduate school at the end of last summer) and yet, not enough like Sam.

I miss Sam every day, even after all this time.  Sometimes I feel like a ridiculous, old man for continuing to moon over a lad young enough to be my son (he just turned 28) who, after nearly three happy years together, found going away to graduate school more important than life with me.  I mean, one can always get into graduate school, one can't always fall in love.  Anyway...for heaven's sake, I still have the last towel he used to shower the day he moved away hanging on the back of the door in my bathroom.  I came home the other day and a car just like the one he'd owned before he moved was parked in what had been his usual spot...I blanched.  Sometimes when it is late at night and I am nearly asleep, I hear a noise that to my sleep-clouded mind sounds like him puttering around downstairs and I lie there, half asleep, waiting to hear his footfalls on the stairs.  Sam has many wonderful qualities, gracefulness, alas, is not one of them.  How someone can make so much noise just walking up a set of stairs barefoot, I'll never know.  But, I digress.

Do I begrudge Sam his need to lead his own life, no.  Am I happy (for him) that he is enjoying his new life in Boston, yes. Do I avoid looking at his Facebook page because I don't want to see pictures of him (or read about him) with some new romantic interest...absolutely.  The thought of such makes me retch.

Am I glad that we had our time together, yes.  Would I change a minute of it, no.  Is it okay for me to be a sappy, ridiculous old man, yes.  Well, at least as long as I don't wallow in my sorrow, or use it as an excuse to become a hermit.  A little sentimentality would seem to be okay.

So, what about my date with the lad from the other night?  The verdict is still out.  He is a very nice, young man, with a beautiful smile.  Did I have the sort of 'bang' that was my experience with Sam, no.  At the moment we are trading texts about a painting he has offered to do for me. I look forward to seeing with what he comes up.  Will we go out on a date again? Perhaps.  Am I perhaps not ready to date yet, no matter how much I tell myself I should be?  I am starting to think so.

At least, that is what THIS DADDY thinks.

Rival Sons, 'Face of Light', from,'Pressure & Time', released June 20, 2011 in the UK and was released in the US on June 28, 2011 through U.S. independent label Earache Records.

Rival Sons - Face of Light

Rival Sons - Face of Light

Rival Sons - Face of Light

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Hypocracy is as Hypocracy Does

As you may know, Dan Savage is under attack for some anti-Christian comments he made recently. Whilst reading the, 'The Daily Beast' today, I came across an article entitled, "Is Dan Savage the Gay Santorum?

I read the Mr. Michaelson's article and found his perspective refreshing.  I did not, however, find many of the comments he received refreshing in the least. To answer his question, yes, Dan Savage is the gay Santorum. 

Below are my comments in response the flaming posts appearing in the, "Comments" section below the article:

Anyone who has known of Mr. Savage from the early days is not surprised by his comments.  His views, at least anecdotal to my experience here in Seattle, are shared by many younger gay, 'activists.'  I once walked out of a gay bingo event (back when that was cool) being held in a synagogue, ironically during an Easter weekend.  Mr. Savage was the MC and went on and on saying rude, denigrating things about Christians and Christianity.  It seems to be part of his ‘shtick.’  I have found him revolting ever since.  I had a similar experience while doing volunteer work with an AIDS organization in town.  A local progressive church had let our group use one of their rooms for a meeting/social event.  The hip, young, uber-politically gay folk immediately upon walking into the sanctuary, set up the bar on the alter (on the alter for heaven’s sake) and then spent the next 20 minutes or so making fun of Christians and Christianity, all the while knowing that I, one of the longest-serving volunteers and a church going man, was sitting there. These people were, I thought, my friends and comrades.  I was wrong.  I finally stood up, gave them hell and walked out, with them shaking their heads, still not getting about what it was that I was upset.  This sort of behavior would never, EVER occur in a similar setting in a mosque, or temple, or a synagogue.  It seems totally appropriate in the gay community to denigrate Christianity while remaining very sensitive and politically correct about other faiths.  I get it.  Christianity (well, more correctly uneducated Christians using the bible incorrectly) seems anti-gay.  I get it.  But really, is Islam or Judaism any more accepting?  No.  So why the hypocrisy, who knows?  I didn’t understand it then and I don’t understand it now.  This insistence on an anti-Christianity gay, ‘orthodoxy’ is ridiculous.  It just is. It does a great deal of damage the community’s reputation.  Nobody respects a hypocrite.  Mr. Savage is taking a pounding for preaching about tolerance and then being publicly and aggressively intolerant,.  That happens when one is a hypocrite.  The gay community does the same thing when holding Christianity in lower esteem than other religions.  You hear the expression sometimes in Christian churches, “Hate the sin, not the sinner.”  Perhaps in this context, it might be better to, “hate the Christian, not the Christianity.”  At least then you’d be giving that same kind of respect given to a belief system held by millions of people (gay and straight) around the world.  Which, agree with it or not, don’t  you think, just as do the others, it deserves?

At least, that is what THIS DADDY thinks.


Uploaded by on Jan 29, 2010
Luna Park 28/01

When Bob Marley returned to Jamaica from the United States in 1967, The Wailers started their own label, ‘Wail'n Soul'm’ records, and released their first independent single "Freedom Time" backed with "Bend Down Low." "Nice Time," "Hypocrites," "Mellow Mood," "Thank You Lord," and "Stir It Up" are all recorded in the same year.