I am not really sure how to feel about becoming a "senior." I mean, I still look pretty good (well, except for being so fat), my man parts still all work (not that there is anybody around for me to use them with, alas). I have a steady job, a nice house, a crazy job. So things should be jake.
Alas, not so much. In the last couple of years, I've written about how much I was learning to enjoy aging, how happy I was. This year, I am definitely struggling to keep up that attitude.
As I've said before, I like having gray hair. I think, especially now that I am wearing it longer, it makes me look distinguished. I continue to appreciate things in ways in which I wasn't capable, when I was younger. And, as almost anybody who knows me can tell you, I am altogether a better man.
At 48, I had someone I loved and who loved me. At 49, he left for grad school on the East Coast, starting a new life, without me, including the act of falling love with someone else. As I turn 50, having not had a decent date in a year, continuing to miss the big dork like you wouldn't believe, and for many other reasons, it strikes me as likely that was the last 'great' love of my life. Am I glad I experienced it, you bet your ass. For all the pain I am experiencing now, I wouldn't change a minute of it. But, having had what seemed like such a 'good' love, it seems highly unlikely that I'll be blessed with such again.
At 48, I was in fine health. At 49 I became diabetic, started having high blood pressure, and my cholesterol numbers were dismal. At 50, despite exercise and pills, this things are still issues.
Turning 48, I had a job I loved, though a boss I hated. At 49, I liked my boss, but my position had changed, my duties downgraded, and my FTE cut to 60%. As I turn 50, it looks like using the LEAN process over which I presided, may have resulted in me writing myself out of a job. How crazy is that?
We all go through periods during which we struggle. I tend to struggle with the '9' years. 49 was definitely a '9 year' in a big, big way. I continue to wonder whether going through all of this stuff seems harder because I am older (as is having the measles, which is gets harder the older one gets), or having had such a good couple of years, I've just forgotten what a couple of really bad years feels like and am therefore out of practice as to how to best deal with them.
Like last year, I have the experience to know, 'this too shall pass', so that is good, I guess. I also still have a house (though it is old and falling apart) and a crazy dog I love. Then, when I wrote about my birthday, I wrote that I wasn't sure I'd ever felt this lost before. My wonderment on that subject remains.
As I said last year, "Life is, as we all know, all about transitions, some good, some not so good. There really isn't that much we can do about it. Understanding this is a lesson we can all do a better job of learning, I know I sure could. I'm working on it but man, is it tough right now." And work on it I did. Alas, this past year all I seem to have done is swim against the current, without making any significant progress. And, I am not sure how to feel about that. I mean, it isn't like I have that many years left these days, now is it?
At least that is what THIS DADDY thinks.
The Ventures LIVE ON STAGE 2000!!! ...in Washington.
Nokie Edwards; Bob Bogle; Don Wilson; and Leon Taylor
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