An Opinionated Daddy's View of Life

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Ask This Daddy, Question Number: 1

One function of being a, 'Daddy,' is offering advice and counsel to the young men who seek you out.  A nice young man with whom I correspond recently asked the following question, 'This Daddy, can a person ever ask "too many" questions?'  As he explained, recently two separate people had pointed out that he seems to "interrogate"  people in face-to-face conversations.  He, on the other hand, thinks he is just simply asking for a better understanding. In different conversations with the two individuals, both became upset by the perceived, "interrogation" and he received criticism for asking too many questions. Further, in our chat, he wondered whether or not the nature or topic of the conversation might have put the other person on the defensive, perhaps having hit a nerve, or perhaps fear of the question may have turned both conversations into very disruptive arguments.  Reportedly, the nature of both conversations were different - one was seeking better understanding about a TV show; and, one was about Dad/lad relationships.

My response, 'It depends on the context of the situation in which the questions were asked.'  In my experience, there are times when a question is asked to which:

the answer seems obvious, so no answer is required;
the answerer may not be able to articulate the answer clearly, even to himself;
or some ambiguity might exist, making a black and white answer impossible.

During one of our very first social outings, my former young man (Sam) asked me, 'which of Seattle's parks is your favorite?' My answer, 'I like different parks for different reasons.' He became irritated thinking I was refusing to answer the question, I became irritated because he kept asking for clarification, making me feel badgered. To this day, when we chat on the phone or Skype, when I want to rib him about some question he asks,  I respond with a, 'I like different parks/'movies/beers for different reasons' kind of answer. It always makes us both smile when I tease him like that. Younger guys often tend to be more black and white in their thinking, while older men see more shades of gray.  So to me, I was giving a perfectly clear answer.  To him, I was being unreasonably obtuse, or as his put it, "willful."

An example from the media is found in the book(s), play, musical play, and movie(s) featuring a character called, "Auntie Mame."* The story involves a young man who is sent to live with his wild and crazy aunt upon the death of his father.  Being the precocious young man he is, every time he hears a word he doesn't understand, he asks his poor aunt.  One morning, after a wild party, very early in the morning, he sneaks into her room, blows a trumpet, waking her up with a start.  Hung over, she is barely conscious when he starts in with his word questions.  Her response is to hand him a notebook and a pencil and tell him, 'Whenever you hear a word you don't understand, write it down in your notebook.  Once a week we'll sit down and go through the list.'  Like Auntie Mame, it is a Dad's role to teach and to mentor.  But, sometimes, like with anything, it can become wearying.  So sometimes, no matter how hard it might be, the younger guy, when receiving an "obtuse" answer should just say, 'okay,' in the moment and ask for clarification later.

In the discussion about Dad/lad relationships, perhaps it was difficult for the Dad to articulate the answer. Every Dad/lad relationship (like any other) has its own rules and accepted norms.  So, to many a Dad, having to explain their take on such relationships is a little like that old expression made popular by Supreme Court Justice, Potter Stewart, paraphrased here, 'I may not know how to define what is pornography, but I know it when I see it.' It may be easy for the Dad to intuit the type of relationship it is that he seeks, he may just not know exactly how to articulate when questioned. 

Sam, my former young man, and I used to tangle all the time over my touch of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD).  He do some innocuous thing (drop some clean sheets on the floor while making the bed, for example) which would set it off.  My form of OCD revolves around defining what is 'clean' and what is 'dirty.'  So having dropped the sheets on the floor, they were now, "dirty," therefore not for use in making the bed.  In other words, he'd do something perfectly reasonable in his mind,  that in my twisted, little brain caused something that was supposed to be "clean", "dirty."  Stupid, I know, but I'd get upset.  His response would be to say something like, 'Hey, I am fine doing/not doing X, you just need to tell me the rules which apply, so I can understand them.' I'd argue back that the reason he should or should not do something was so obvious, it shouldn't need a 'rule' or an explanation.  Being 'weird' about cleanliness, for example, it seems obvious to me that after having had sex, a guy wouldn't just get up and grab his cellphone and start texting, without first having washed his hands.  I mean, I don't know how other guys have sex, but to me almost any way you do it, when you are done, your hands are going to be covered in cum and other body fluids.  Would you want your Mom picking up your cellphone after you did that?  No, GROSS. Similarly, it grosses me out when I am with a guy who tries to get all cuddle and stuff, after sex, having gotten up to pee and returned to bed having not washed his hands.  Both, to me, are equally obvious.  Such actions spread cooties, therefore are "Bad" and shouldn't need a rule or require an explanation for not doing them.  Don't get me wrong, I get that I am a complete freak.  I make not claim that my 'rules' are right. But right or not, they seem so obvious, I have a hard time, reasonably or not, not being irritated when challenged on them. 

Communication in any relationship is challenging.  While very hard to do, it is important to develop the skill of understanding that different people communicate in different ways.  So, the people that were accusing my young correspondent were wrong to assume he was "interrogating" them and he was wrong to not have learned to read the signals of their distress at feeling "interrogated."

At least, that is what THIS DADDY thinks.

Auntie Mame - Trailer

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Helpful Hints for Homos...Well, and Anybody Else

It's funny.  Being an old dude (50), I've seen several trends (skinny jeans, wide jeans, long hair, short hair, disco, goatees) come and go during my long, long, LONG lifetime.  You know you've been around too long when the hip things (music, fashion, social norms) become 'retro,' then 'retro-hip,' then the new norm, think skinny jeans.

Well, one of those 'hip' things that seems to be popular once again is:  pot.  Okay, so pot never really went away, but its common use across socioeconomic groups is once again 'hip.'  I've gotta tell ya, I just don't get the appeal.  Especially when it comes to making out with, having sexy with, showing affection to someone that reeks of the stuff.  Does anybody think that kissing someone covered in the stench left behind by weed is sexy?  I sure don't.

I know smoking it is supposed to give you the munchies and for some folks, it makes them horny, but like eating a raw onion or a garlicy dinner...smoking pot and then kissing someone, especially someone who hasn't been doing the same thing....gross.  It, at least for me, truly kills the mood.

As you know, my dating life of late has been pretty limited.  But, oddly I think, as I've said many times before, I get offered sex way more often than I care to admit, most of which I turn down.  But, as luck would have it, recently I was offered that opportunity to spend some quality daddy/lad time with a hot, young, 21 year old I met through Daddyhunt.  Tall, slender, smooth; big juicy round, firm ass, nice feet....the whole package...alas, despite efforts on his part to have fresh breath (he'd clearly brushed and used mouthwash), as our playtime went on...the onions and pot he'd clearly consumed before our meeting started interfering with the isn't appealing to kiss someone with onion and pot just isn't.

At least, that is what THIS DADDY thinks.

Alvin and the Chipmunks - Pass the Dutchie - Musical Youth