An Opinionated Daddy's View of Life

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Real Men Don't Drink Appletinis....

Really?  I beg to differ.  Not to ruin my butch, military officer, daddy-like persona, but nobody enjoys a good appletini more than do I.  I was introduced to them after a change of command ceremony by the wife of one of my shipmates.  While normally I am a beer guy, sometimes a girlie drink just satisfies. I mean, come on.  Admit it. Sometimes one of those drinks with the little umbrellas just hits the spot.  So just why is it okay, therefore, for, 'Men's Health' to tell me I am lacking in masculinity, because sometimes I enjoy a Cosmopolitan rather than a Fat Tire?

I hate it when others decide to define what is 'man-like' and what is not.  Like sexuality, masculinity follows a spectrum.  Perhaps some of us are on the 'butcher' end of the spectrum and perhaps others are on the 'nellier' end of the spectrum.  But, if we are male, we are by definition masculine.

I've written before about how much I hate stereotypes.  Yes, communities like ours tend to branded with them and to use them against ourselves.  I mean, how many of us are guilty of thinking that all lesbians are fat, hairy, man-hating, male wannabes, who have hairy legs and only wear flannel?  Well, okay, that stereotype is probably a little more accurate than others, but you get what I mean ( KNOW how they are. Ew, gross...I mean, for heaven's sake, why would anyone...ooops, sorry, I digress).  It is a sign of insecurity and lack of maturity to perpetuate a stereotype.  It is a sign of something worse to use these stereotypes against others, especially others of our own kind, in order to shame them.

These days there is a lot of talk in the media about bullying.  What is one of the primary reasons young LGBT teens get bullied? It is the perception they act in a stereotypical way (either girlie for young boys or butch for young girls).  So, if it is bullying for young straight boys, insecure in their manhood, to bully other young boys they perceive as 'fags,' how much worse it is when we do this to our own kind?  Talk about self-loathing or internalized homophobia.

At one point, Sam (my former young man) commented to me  that he was surprised I found him appealing because he wasn't very 'masculine'.  I took umbrage immediately.  Sure, Sam is a lot 'softer' than am I, being a more politically correct, hip, young gayboi, and perhaps a bit further towards the less butch end of the spectrum than am I, but he is definitely all male, and therefore masculine. He works out like a fiend. He enjoys a range of other, 'masculine' activities.  Bathing is not a priority for him. He doesn't care that much how he dresses.  Sometimes he may act a tad nelly (just a tad, I admit) but he is all boy, trust me.  And, who amongst us doesn't have a flame that sometimes shines brighter than others?

We demean and diminish ourselves when we buy into the stereotype foisted upon the media.  It is a sign of strength and maturity when we do not do so.  Sure, like others, I have my own issues and my own insecurities, as do we all.  But one thing I am not insecure about is my masculinity. I believe we all should be, no matter at what end of spectrum it is at which we might find ourselves.

At least, that is what THIS DADDY thinks.

Uploaded by on Sep 14, 2009
Dedicated to the most perfect cocktail....

This song is inspired in the music of TOM JOBIM and LES BAXTER , and a tender tribute to my soul hero RICHARD WRIGHT . Most of the arrangements were recorded using propellerhead software to put down sounds as MELLOTRONS, MELLOTRON 8 VOICE CHOIR, MINIMOOG AND ACOUSTIC GUITARS.

Sunday, May 13, 2012


Author's note: sometimes it is good to go back and revisit previous writings to see if they still hold up and to see if, given perspective (and wider readership), new questions or comments will arise from readers. Over the next couple of weeks I'll be re-running some pieces from the early days of my blog, in addition to some new pieces, so some long term readers may have already read the re-runs. Whether or not you've done so, I encourage you to comment on either the new or old pieces.

Gay culture, not unlike other cultures, is often perceived to be all about stereotypes. This is never truer than in any of the 'named' cultures (Bear, Leather, S&M, etc.). The ‘Daddy/Hunter’ community is no different. As a Daddy who spends a lot of time, much too much time, I have to admit, online chatting, I get frustrated when I hear perfectly attractive and high quality Hunters bemoaning the fact they can’t find a Daddy to date because they aren’t…insert stereotypical ‘boy’ requirement here: young, slender, smooth, tall, athletic, etc. Really, boys and girls, Daddies don't all expect, require, or desire the same things. All you need to do is spend 5 minutes perusing the Daddy profiles online, preferably on Daddyhunt, of course, but online on any Daddy/Hunter site will do, to see that, just like Daddies exist in all different shapes and sizes, Daddies have every different kind of taste and interest imaginable. You can find profiles of Daddies looking for girlie boys, masculine boys, tall boys, short boys, hairy boys, smooth boys, smart boys, shy boys, rough boys, boys of color, and on and on and on. Sure, lots of Daddies seem to prefer only younger, smoother, etc., but not all. Not every Daddy lives up to the presumed stereotype. Not all Daddies spend their entire lives chronically in search of some 'perfect' boy who meets some idealized, unrealistic standard. Okay, I admit, Daddies do tend to prefer that the Hunters they desire find older guys appealing, but then, who of us doesn’t want to be thought of as sexy? I know THIS DADDY certainly does. Not all Daddies have some unreasonable expectation that any boy they pursue be both perfect and static (i.e. always looking young and hot, etc.). Okay, stereotypes exist for a reason. Sometimes, maybe more than sometimes, people live up to one stereotype or another. Most people don’t. The trick is finding a way for the ‘right’ Daddy to meet the ‘right’ Hunter. That is the beauty of online communities like Daddyhunt. Such venues are safe places where we can share information about who we are, what we seek, and what it is we have to offer, affording us unique opportunities to form connections with those with whom we have complimentary interests. So, buck up, boys and girls, it has worked for me, it can work for you. I promise.

At least that is what THIS DADDY thinks.

(Written for and submitted for publication by Publication pending.

The Hollies - Have you ever loved somebody
Uploaded by rebecca241290 on Jul 27, 2008

As THIS DADDY has said before, gay culture, not unlike others, is often all about stereotypes. The ‘Daddy/Hunter’ community is certainly no different. Ironically, just as Daddies are often tarred with the notion that they are only interested in dating Twinks, Hunters are often tarred with the notion that they are only interested in dating Daddies who look like Tom Selleck, drive BMW’s, live in lofts, have the financial resources to jet a Hunter to Manhattan on a whim to shop for Prada. This is a load of bunkum. Just as Daddies have a multitude of tastes and desires, so do Hunters. I don’t know about you, boys and girls, but many times I’ve been online chatting, and have seen some Daddy saying some self-deprecating, negatives things about himself. Things like, ‘oh, at my age, my dating life is over’, ‘oh, I am not rich enough or successful enough to find a Hunter’, ‘Oh, I am HIV positive, nobody decent will ever want to date me again.’ As much as I hate to admit it, THIS DADDY himself has been guilty of this kind of negative self-talk. It is easy to fall into this trap. But it is a trap, my fellow Daddies, a deep, dark trap into which you must not allow yourself to fall. I was single for over 3 years after a very serious 10 year relationship, which ended very badly, before I found myself in a new relationship. Having given up on the idea of ever having a serious relationship again, I met a nice young man on Daddyhunt (wow, who’d a thunk it?) Neither of us expected anything serious to come of it, but, as these things sometimes happen, something serious did. If it could happen to me, it could certainly happen to you. Sending out a message that reeks of desperation, or having a piss-poor, negative attitude about yourself, those are things likely to prevent you from being successful at dating. Realizing what it is you have to offer, being confident in who you are, those are things that are likely to help you a quality Hunter with whom you can share your life. At least that is what THIS DADDY thinks.

The Hollies - A Taste Of Honey
Uploaded by KeatonsAnnex on Mar 12, 2008
"In Concert" 1969.

Sunday, May 6, 2012

How Long is Long Enough?

I was asked to go on a date the other day.  Not a hook up, not a coffee honest-to-goodness date, date.  I had a nice time, it even ended with a kiss, a rather chaste kiss on the lips, and an offer of future dates.  It, the experience, was very quaint and very sweet.  He even followed up over the weekend with a couple of texts.  Isn't that how dating is supposed to be?  

Tall, younger (27), nice smile, artsy, genuine, intellectual, a tad full of himself (on the surface, but with a boyish, impressionable quality beneath), he is an artist, after all, my date had that whole, 'hip, young, gay, I buy all of my clothes at Goodwill, 'nerd/hippy boy' thing that I seem to find so appealing these days.

So, what was the problem?  He was too much like Sam (my former young man who moved away for graduate school at the end of last summer) and yet, not enough like Sam.

I miss Sam every day, even after all this time.  Sometimes I feel like a ridiculous, old man for continuing to moon over a lad young enough to be my son (he just turned 28) who, after nearly three happy years together, found going away to graduate school more important than life with me.  I mean, one can always get into graduate school, one can't always fall in love.  Anyway...for heaven's sake, I still have the last towel he used to shower the day he moved away hanging on the back of the door in my bathroom.  I came home the other day and a car just like the one he'd owned before he moved was parked in what had been his usual spot...I blanched.  Sometimes when it is late at night and I am nearly asleep, I hear a noise that to my sleep-clouded mind sounds like him puttering around downstairs and I lie there, half asleep, waiting to hear his footfalls on the stairs.  Sam has many wonderful qualities, gracefulness, alas, is not one of them.  How someone can make so much noise just walking up a set of stairs barefoot, I'll never know.  But, I digress.

Do I begrudge Sam his need to lead his own life, no.  Am I happy (for him) that he is enjoying his new life in Boston, yes. Do I avoid looking at his Facebook page because I don't want to see pictures of him (or read about him) with some new romantic interest...absolutely.  The thought of such makes me retch.

Am I glad that we had our time together, yes.  Would I change a minute of it, no.  Is it okay for me to be a sappy, ridiculous old man, yes.  Well, at least as long as I don't wallow in my sorrow, or use it as an excuse to become a hermit.  A little sentimentality would seem to be okay.

So, what about my date with the lad from the other night?  The verdict is still out.  He is a very nice, young man, with a beautiful smile.  Did I have the sort of 'bang' that was my experience with Sam, no.  At the moment we are trading texts about a painting he has offered to do for me. I look forward to seeing with what he comes up.  Will we go out on a date again? Perhaps.  Am I perhaps not ready to date yet, no matter how much I tell myself I should be?  I am starting to think so.

At least, that is what THIS DADDY thinks.

Rival Sons, 'Face of Light', from,'Pressure & Time', released June 20, 2011 in the UK and was released in the US on June 28, 2011 through U.S. independent label Earache Records.

Rival Sons - Face of Light

Rival Sons - Face of Light

Rival Sons - Face of Light

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Hypocracy is as Hypocracy Does

As you may know, Dan Savage is under attack for some anti-Christian comments he made recently. Whilst reading the, 'The Daily Beast' today, I came across an article entitled, "Is Dan Savage the Gay Santorum?

I read the Mr. Michaelson's article and found his perspective refreshing.  I did not, however, find many of the comments he received refreshing in the least. To answer his question, yes, Dan Savage is the gay Santorum. 

Below are my comments in response the flaming posts appearing in the, "Comments" section below the article:

Anyone who has known of Mr. Savage from the early days is not surprised by his comments.  His views, at least anecdotal to my experience here in Seattle, are shared by many younger gay, 'activists.'  I once walked out of a gay bingo event (back when that was cool) being held in a synagogue, ironically during an Easter weekend.  Mr. Savage was the MC and went on and on saying rude, denigrating things about Christians and Christianity.  It seems to be part of his ‘shtick.’  I have found him revolting ever since.  I had a similar experience while doing volunteer work with an AIDS organization in town.  A local progressive church had let our group use one of their rooms for a meeting/social event.  The hip, young, uber-politically gay folk immediately upon walking into the sanctuary, set up the bar on the alter (on the alter for heaven’s sake) and then spent the next 20 minutes or so making fun of Christians and Christianity, all the while knowing that I, one of the longest-serving volunteers and a church going man, was sitting there. These people were, I thought, my friends and comrades.  I was wrong.  I finally stood up, gave them hell and walked out, with them shaking their heads, still not getting about what it was that I was upset.  This sort of behavior would never, EVER occur in a similar setting in a mosque, or temple, or a synagogue.  It seems totally appropriate in the gay community to denigrate Christianity while remaining very sensitive and politically correct about other faiths.  I get it.  Christianity (well, more correctly uneducated Christians using the bible incorrectly) seems anti-gay.  I get it.  But really, is Islam or Judaism any more accepting?  No.  So why the hypocrisy, who knows?  I didn’t understand it then and I don’t understand it now.  This insistence on an anti-Christianity gay, ‘orthodoxy’ is ridiculous.  It just is. It does a great deal of damage the community’s reputation.  Nobody respects a hypocrite.  Mr. Savage is taking a pounding for preaching about tolerance and then being publicly and aggressively intolerant,.  That happens when one is a hypocrite.  The gay community does the same thing when holding Christianity in lower esteem than other religions.  You hear the expression sometimes in Christian churches, “Hate the sin, not the sinner.”  Perhaps in this context, it might be better to, “hate the Christian, not the Christianity.”  At least then you’d be giving that same kind of respect given to a belief system held by millions of people (gay and straight) around the world.  Which, agree with it or not, don’t  you think, just as do the others, it deserves?

At least, that is what THIS DADDY thinks.


Uploaded by on Jan 29, 2010
Luna Park 28/01

When Bob Marley returned to Jamaica from the United States in 1967, The Wailers started their own label, ‘Wail'n Soul'm’ records, and released their first independent single "Freedom Time" backed with "Bend Down Low." "Nice Time," "Hypocrites," "Mellow Mood," "Thank You Lord," and "Stir It Up" are all recorded in the same year.