One of the reasons it ended was his 'need' to not be in a relationship. He had 'things to work out' which he insisted made it (in addition to the things I mentioned above) impossible for him to be in a relationship with romantic or long-term overtones, with me or anybody else. He never really explained why (or more correctly when attempting to explain it, never clearly articulated the reasons) this was the case. Well, apparently it wasn't that he was incapable of being in a relationship...it was that he was incapable of being in a relationship with me.
From the day we met, he made it clear he didn't like Seattle and that he intended to move to Boston, as Boston was his version of, the Emerald City from, 'The Wizard of Oz.' Well, I guess that has turned out to be true. In a year he has conquered all of his issues, is not only ready to be in a relationship, but has apparently been in one for several months. A fact just revealed to me last night.
I am experiencing this revelation as powerfully as if it was the original break up. I didn't sleep last night, I've been on the verge of tears all day. Sigh, this behavior is totally ruining my butch, gruff, military officer persona. The worst thing...I still love him and want nothing but his happiness. Even after arguing on Skype for nearly 3 hours last night, my heart in tatters, those desires remain true.
As with his inability to articulate his reasons for being incapable of being in a relationship, he has been inarticulate in explaining his need for our continued contact. Despite our break up, we've remained very close. We text, email, talk on the phone, and Skype regularly. Almost every contact ends with one or the other of us telling the other how much we miss and still love the other. In order to support this life transition he has made, I've let it be up to him how much contact we have. I am rarely the one to initiate it. Still, as happens in situations like these, there has been the occasional drunk text (or perhaps late night, insomnia-related, exhaustion enduced text) in which I've broken down and declared my continued love and desire for him.
We have both stated that being a couple made each of us a better person. I am glad he feels that way, and I am certainly glad to feel the same. I have a history of dating guys who were 'novices' in relationship, or just coming off a really bad relationship. So the relationship wasn't so much about wanting to be with me, rather it was more about the individuals being surprised that someone could and would love them. I was more representative of something, not the personification of something. That said, I thought this relationship was different. I thought we were together because we wanted to be, not because either of us 'needed' to be. I guess I was wrong.
Okay, as odd as it may seem, I know my anger will dissipate and our relationship will continue it its odd way. I know he has a big place in my life. He has had such a place since we met and he probably will for years to come. He is, for example, coming to Seattle in the near future and I hope to see him then. Granted, I was hoping we'd do more than hang out, but that isn't possible now that he is in love with and committed to someone else. I respect that. I do. I think I know how his boyfriend would feel if he knew Sam was coming here and was going to sleep with me. To this day the idea of someone else having sex with Sam makes me want to throw up. I imagine the new guy would feel the same. I know now that he is serious about someone else, his interest and need for contact with me will diminish, and the memories of our time together, for him will fade. But will I remain always glad to get a text, a phone call, and email, or have a Skype session with him, sure. Because I care about Sam, I am glad he has resolved his 'issues' and is having a happy life.
I've written before about the need for 'daddies' to understand that a relationship with a younger man is likely not a 'forever' relationship. That if one doesn't understand that or isn't strong enough to deal with that fact, perhaps one shouldn't be dating a younger man. I guess when I look at it objectively, it isn't him at whom I am so mad, rather, it is I at whom I am angry. As the old saying goes, 'there is no fool like an old fool.' When he first mentioned that he was coming back for a conference and he wanted to see me (and sleep with me) I was thrilled. I made plans to get a full HIV and STD screening during my upcoming 'old guy' physical. I planned to work out more, have the house cleaned, and the dog groomed, so that we'd all look good for him when he came. How ridiculous is that? I mean, it was kind of silly before, but now knowing he is with someone else, well....
This is where the being an old fool comes in. I don't feel like a fool for loving Sam, I could never feel that way. I certainly am glad that we had our time together. I've never felt so comfortable with anybody, never been so consistently happy, never been more the 'best' of me I could be. I wouldn't change the scenario for the world. Though, I admit, during our argument I said both of those things to try and hurt him. As they say, though, 'if you can't do the time, don't do the crime.' I didn't mean either of those things and he didn't seem to (I hope he didn't) really believe that I meant them. (Author's note: back in the day he occassionally read this blog, so I hope if he reads this entry he will pay attention to this part and the part about our continued contact, and not focus so much on the other stuff.)
As much as I thought I would survive and thrive when he left, it turns out I was wrong. I haven't been on a decent date since he left. As much as I have always enjoyed sex, these days, on the rare occasions I have it, it just doesn't quite measure up...because it is not with him and not the way we did it. The guys have been sexy, the sex (for the most part) has been fine, but the intensity and feelings that Sam and I shared just weren't there.
I am tired of being the 'training wheels' for guys. It isn't what I want and it isn't what I deserve. So, what is about me that attracts guys that seek that and why am I attracted to those guys. I just don't know. And, at my age, it is humiliating and embarrassing not to know. I feel like your time together was more of a 'fad' for him than anything else, sort of like the interest in vegan cooking, late night jazz clubs, having a full cocktail bar, being a child advocate, etc. I mean, he was sincere in each one of those fads, until he wasn't. Sam keeps telling me that I am spinning our relationship in the worst possible light. He keeps insisting that he did love me, that I was important to him, and that I remain so. Maybe he is right. Maybe I am just not mature enough (despite my advanced age) or far enough away from the situation to see those things as being true. I just don't understand how can he so easily and quickly have made the transition from loving me, to loving someone else. I haven't been able to do so. I told him last night (well, I didn't express it exactly this way, but...) that I felt like a character from the book, "He's just not into you." A character whose boyfriend breaks up with them because he just isn't 'ready', then three months later the character learns he is engaged. Whether or not he is right or I am, my logic and emotional systems just can't understand it. Perhaps I never will, which leaves me with the impression that our relationship wasn't serious to him and that there is clearly something wrong with me. I am trying to see his side of the argument, but I just can't.
I wrote in a recent post that it wasn't so much that I was looking for love, or seeking to be loved, as I was looking to give love. I guess I was wrong. Or, perhaps, not quite right. Am I glad that he still 'loves' me, sure. Am I, despite my inability to see it, glad that I remain important to him, sure. But when is it my turn to be someones 'the one?' When do I get to stop being the relationship training wheels for others? I am beginning to think that time will never come. As much as I try to remain positive, at my age, I am not sure I have the emotional strength or physical energy to keep putting myself out there. What is it they say, "what is the definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and yet expecting a different result."
At least, that is what THIS DADDY thinks.
Billy Joe Shaver is a Texas country music singer and songwriter. Shaver's 1973 album Old Five and Dimers Like Me is a classic in the outlaw country genre.