Those Who Can't Do Teach...

So, I think I've reached the 'teacher' stage of my romantic life.  As you know if you read my blog with any frequency, I've been single now for well over a year.  As the time passes and I find myself dateless, I tend to look back at when I did have a dating life.

Oh, don't get me wrong, I still have lots of opportunities for sex, just no opportunities for anything more than that.  There is, for example, the late-20's country boy who comes by every week or so for some quality 'daddy/laddy' time.  I am even in talks with a 21 year old college student to do some intense 'tutoring' sessions.

All of this is fun, or at least it should be, shouldn't it?  I mean, I've had sex with some of the sexiest, most amazing guys you can possibly imagine.  Unlike many of my peers, I've also had serious relationships in which I've imagined I was loved.  It turns out I was substantially wrong, of course, at least in some cases, but still.  And in the end, real love or not, each has ended, some abruptly, some with warning, but all have ended.

I find it interesting that my role as 'tutor' has essentially been on-going since I first came out and started f*king guys in 1985.  Whether serious, long-term, or hook ups, almost to a one, after taking 'courses' from me, all the boys I still have some sort of connection with have (Sam; my ex who lives down the street; Bad Paul, Craig, Michael, and the list goes on and on) gone on to long term serious relationships. Many, in fact, have gone right from me into the 'love of their life' relationship, meaning they are still together.  My ex who lives down the street, for example, was already telling the nelly, borderline retarded, skeez for whom he left me, "I love you," while my ex and I were still living together.  So, he's never really even has a single day in his life (at least not since he came out at 29 when he started seeing me).

So, I am proud, I guess, that the guys I've 'taught' have learned their lessons well.  I mean, like any 'daddy' it is my job to mentor, teach, and share what I have learned and then, like a mother bird, watch as my little chicks grow their wings and leave the nest.  But, as I get older, I wonder if am I really strong enough to keep 'tutoring,' without the opportunity to be in a lasting relationship of my own. 

My therapist insists that I am not the issue, rather it is the guys who I date. who can't commit or are too emotionally damaged, or too emotionally immature for a long term relationship.  And, it is true that I have always attracted damaged guys, or novices more in love with being in love, than perhaps being in love with me.  But really, what is the common denominator in all of this relationship ebb and flow?  Me.  So, it seems to me that it only makes sense that there must be something wrong with me that causes this churn.  Is it that being with me is such a trial, that being with anyone else is better or easier than being with me?  Is it that I am such a good teacher, that once I've 'taught' someone, they make great boyfriends, ready to be snatched up by someone else? 

Sometimes I feel like a stereotype out of a chick flick.  Like, Meg Ryan or Carrie Bradshaw.  I've heard, 'it isn't you, it's me' so many times, I should have cards printed up that I hand out on every first date, so if things go well, he'll have it in his wallet to pull out when the time is right, or if it doesn't work out, he can hand it to me in lieu of a good night kiss.

I know some of the most repulsive people, true ogres, who are happily partnered.  Like my former boss.  She is both physically repulsive (she is the only person I've ever met who is both a pizza face...her face is so pocked it looks like she has leprosy...and a butter face, she wears so much makeup that her wretched skin looks like it is sliding off of her skull, all at the same time).  She has a personality which is so evil that knowing her makes me glad I believe there is a hell, since I know she is bound there on a fast train.  Yet, she not only has friends (which is hard to believe, since she is such a vile human being) but is also involved in a seemingly happy relationship. I mean, for heaven's sake, if someone that ugly and loathsome can have a long-term, loving relationship, shouldn't I be able to as well?

I am starting to feel like Mr. Chips, never destined for a long-term relationship of his own, rather his worth is in the 'students' he teaches and sends off into the world.

At least, that is what THIS DADDY thinks.

"Fill the World With Love" (Petula Clark, Boys Chorus)

Uploaded on Oct 9, 2010

Goodbye, Mr. Chips (1969 film)
[ available to purchase http://amzn.com/B00005JO3W ]

Goodbye, Mr. Chips is a 1969 American musical film directed by Herbert Ross. The screenplay by Terence Rattigan is based on James Hilton's 1934 novella of the same name, which originally was adapted for the screen in 1939.