Why, oh why, WHY OH WHY, is it in the Bear Community, as opposed to other communities, that if a 'boy' finds bears attractive, he seems to think he MUST do everything in his power to look AS MUCH like the bears he desires as humanely possible? I don't get how 'cubs' connect dating a guy that qualifies as a 'bear' means they must look like that themselves. I never get why 'cubs' have such strong urges to look just like the guys they seek, when so many people prefer 'opposites'. For the life of me, I do not now, never have, and likely never will grasp this idea.
As you might have guessed, I had another one of 'those' experiences: Chunky boy, with facial hair which makes him look 10 or 15 years older than he is flirts with Daddy, who clearly and repeatedly points out in his profile that he prefers non-bears, non-chubs, and non-older looking guys. When Daddy says, "Thanks for the flirts, it is always nice to be appreciated, but, I prefer younger guys, without facial hair", boy gets upset, makes self-deprecating comments about how he knew Daddy wouldn't like him anyway, because Daddy only likes twinks. Then boy goes on to bemoan how none of the hot 'Daddies' he likes, finds him attractive. When Daddy points out that perhaps if what he is doing (like wearing the ugly facial hair, which makes him look 10 years older than he is, when he is actively seeking to date someone who prefers younger-looking guys) isn't working, perhaps he should try something else (like shaving off said ugly beard), boy gets defensive and angry, accusing Daddy of using 'stereotypes' and not 'listening' to what the boy is saying.
Okay, let's take the points in order:
1)Boy is a stereotypical cub: once slender, hot and boyish, now chunky, bearded, looking 10 years older than he is, like the bears he finds so attractive;
2)Boy makes negatives comments about himself ('nobody wants me', etc,) and 'accuses' Daddy (and all other daddies) of only liking 'twinks';
3)Daddy explains that, no, he isn't necessarily into 'twinks' there, as hard as it is for the Bear community to believe, there are guys who aren't either 'twinks' or 'bears';
4)Boy gets defensive, accusing Daddy of, "...over-analysis and sweeping generalizations, ..." then disappears.
In this instance (well, in many instances I've had similar to this, which is what drives me to write about this over and over again), the 'boy' missed my points made in the exchange completely.
First, we all have our tastes, and we all have our 'admirers'. It can be hard to find a 'match' between these two things, but it is never, EVER appropriate to say demeaning things about yourself. What, you want someone to throw you a 'pity f*ck'?
Second, when he mentioned that he wasn't being as successful as he wished in meeting quality guys (older, masculine, bearish, whether he admits this or not), I suggested that if what he was doing wasn't working, perhaps he try something else. In this case, I suggested that older guys, especially those who prefer younger, tend to want their guys to look younger. If they wanted to date or sex someone who looks their age, they'd date someone who looks their age. This set him off like a landmine. He kept repeating over and over again (this was kind of a lengthy email exchange), "but I love to kiss guys with beards and have them give me head and rim me, I really like the 'intensity". I must have said in response at least five times, "You can have all the 'intensity' you like. I am not suggesting you not enjoy KISSING a guy with a beard, or enjoy having a guy with a beard rim you or go down on you. I am merely suggesting that the 'right' guy might be someone like me who, liking younger guys, actually likes the guys he dates to look younger, not older, just like you like the guys you date to be stocky and hairy. I can't change being stocky and hairy...you can shave off the beard, which might open up more opportunities. Come on, boys. It is one thing to have confidence in what you like and what you don't. It is another to get stuck so deeply in a rut and complain about how it isn't working and how unhappy you are.
I don't like guys with facial hair. Fine. my opinion is just that, my opinion. But don't waste my time and yours complaining that I don't find you appealing. I always upfront in my profile(s), what I like and what I don't. First, as I've said myriad times, my opinion isn't 'all that'. It doesn't mean squat, except to me. Second, have a little pride in yourself. Third, take some constructive criticism. What do you have to lose?
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