No.
Nobody who knows me will every accuse me of being Sister Mary Sunshine. Being 'positive' and 'upbeat' are just not a natural part of my makeup. So, when I find myself being the 'positive' one in a conversation, something is most definitely off.
I've spoken before, tangentially at least, of a young friend of mine who lives across the country. He is a very high-quality young man, who has been with his current partner for about 2 years. He is in his early 20's, his partner is pushing 50 (as am I, we are both 47). Oddly, his partner looks a lot (eerily so) like me. This young man and I chat often. I am friend, mentor, adviser to him. In addition to a certain amount of harmless flirtation, one of the things we chat about most often is his relationship.
Last night he confided in me that he is considering, for many reasons, ending this relationship. I could list the many reasons he gave, but one of the greatest reasons, "I just can't make him happy". I've explained over and over to my younger friend that it isn't his job to make his partner 'happy', rather it is his job to 'add' to his partner's happiness. Apparently when they first started dating, his partner was active, fun, upbeat, but he has now 'slid' into a funk, from which my young friend cannot raise him.
One reason, apparently, for his partner's current unhappiness is the fact that he is aging. He is no longer the hot, tight, muscled-out law enforcement officer he was when he was in his youth. He has bad knees, is over weight, and often has headaches. All he seems to want to do is hang around the house, sitting on the couch, watching 80's TV dramas on cable. From what my friend tells me, he (the partner) seems to resent and be jealous of the boy's youth and vigor.
Okay, how much sense does that make, holding your boyfriend, who is young enough to be your son, 'responsible' for the fact that you are aging? It doesn't make any sense at all. We all age. It sucks, but there is it. We get fat, our butts sag, our feet go flat, our hair gets gray and/or falls out. Our dicks stop working (or at least stop working reliably) and our ability to 'date' drops like a stone, since our culture only seems to value youth and beauty.
It happens, get over it. It is an exhausting waste of energy to long for the past, to focus on what was (or what might have been). Trust me, I get it. I used to be a hot, tight, little, Italian muscle boy. I used to have a 44 inch chest, a 29 inch waist. I could run 1.25 miles in 9.38 minutes, and do two hundred situps without breaking a sweat.
Now, I have the 44 inch waist; I get winded if I f*ck too hard or too fast; my knees ache; I have a 'boggy' prostate; and (while I rarely use it since my 'fun parts' still work pretty well), I keep a current Rx for Viagra active at all times. Okay, do all these things mean I should sit at home alone in the dark, watching, "Matlock" and bemoaning my horrible fate? No, absolutely not. Sure, I'd love to have a 29 inch waist again. I'd definitely love it if my knees didn't ache all the time. I'd be thrilled if I'd kept up with all the working out I used to do and looked a lot more like the aging, muscle-daddy I should be, rather than the chunky, bear-daddy with a receding hairline and a beer gut that I am. But, I am what I am, I look how I look, and my life turned out (at least so far) the way it turned out.
So, what are the 'things' that we should focus on at our age, instead of all the negatives? Here are a few:
1)Hot young boys, granted few and far between and hard to find, sometimes still find old, fat, hairy guys like me (and like my friend's older boyfriend) sexy as hell. The proof, my older brothers, is in the pudding. My young friend is one of the hottest young men I've ever seen. Built like a soccer player, he has a beautiful smile, a masculine manner, is a total bottom, and has a fine, fine (did I mention just how fine?) ass. Yet, he is hot for older, hairy, bearish guys. Why, I don't know. I, for one, find the concept preposterous, since I find guys like that totally unappealing. Yet, there it is.
2)We have 'different' positives now than we did then. So, we don't have tight waists and our knees ache. But, as I told my young friend, "Now I have a house with a view of the lake, where I can sit on my deck (or during the winter in my sitting room), with my crazy dog at my side, holding an appletini or a good beer, looking at the lake, taking in the view". At 27, I couldn't have afforded the house near the lake. And even if I could have, I'd have been too busy or too focused on other things to appreciate it.
3)There is absolutely nothing we can do about it, aging that is. Sure, we can all strive to be in better shape, to eat better, drink less, have a healthier lifestyle (I know I certainly should), etc. But, and I hope I am not breaking this news to you: we are all going to age, whether we like it or not. Aging is hard enough. Spending all of your time upset and frustrated, depressed and shut in so you can't enjoy the positive aspects that DO exist, is dysfunctional and totally unhealthy.
My young friend loves his boyfriend. He blames himself for the (apparent) failure of the relationship. Sure, he bares some responsibility, no relationship collapses because the fault is only on one side. But my young friend is hardly solely responsible for why the relationship is failing. Part of being the 'daddy' in a relationship is leveraging the experience and maturing we are supposed to have gained. Is it mature to focus on your lost youth? No. Is it healthy to resent your handsome, young boyfriend because his life is just beginning and yours is cruising into middle age, No. For heaven's sake, haven't any of you guys seen, "Evergreen" or, 'The Star is Born"?
As I started with, when I am the guy who is at the 'positive' end of a conversation, it is pretty rare. And, to be honest, sometimes I don't even follow my own advice. But, I am trying. Really, truly I am. Perhaps some of you older guys should try too?
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