There is No Fool Like an Old Fool

Boy can I confirm the truth of this statement.  It's been over a year since my last relationship ended.  You know, the one about which I often write.  For all the brave talk of how I understood from the beginning that he was too young (24 when we met), neither ready, nor interested in having a relationship, and that I understood those facts, and when into the relationship anyway.  That talk has turned out to be so much hot air. 

One of the reasons it ended was his 'need' to not be in a relationship.  He had 'things to work out' which he insisted made it (in addition to the things I mentioned above) impossible for him to be in a relationship with romantic or long-term overtones, with me or anybody else.  He never really explained why (or more correctly when attempting to explain it, never clearly articulated the reasons) this was the case.  Well, apparently it wasn't that he was incapable of being in a relationship...it was that he was incapable of being in a relationship with me. 

From the day we met, he made it clear he didn't like Seattle and that he intended to move to Boston, as Boston was his version of, the Emerald City from, 'The Wizard of Oz.'  Well, I guess that has turned out to be true.  In a year he has conquered all of his issues, is not only ready to be in a relationship, but has apparently been in one for several months.  A fact just revealed to me last night.

I am experiencing this revelation as powerfully as if it was the original break up.  I didn't sleep last night, I've been on the verge of tears all day.  Sigh, this behavior is totally ruining my butch, gruff, military officer persona.  The worst thing...I still love him and want nothing but his happiness.  Even after arguing on Skype for nearly 3 hours last night, my heart in tatters, those desires remain true.

As with his inability to articulate his reasons for being incapable of being in a relationship, he has been inarticulate in explaining his need for our continued contact.  Despite our break up, we've remained very close.  We text, email, talk on the phone, and Skype regularly.  Almost every contact ends with one or the other of us telling the other how much we miss and still love the other. In order to support this life transition he has made, I've let it be up to him how much contact we have.  I am rarely the one to initiate it.  Still, as happens in situations like these, there has been the occasional drunk text (or perhaps late night, insomnia-related, exhaustion enduced text)  in which I've broken down and declared my continued love and desire for him.

We have both stated that being a couple made each of us a better person.  I am glad he feels that way, and I am certainly glad to feel the same.  I have a history of dating guys who were 'novices' in relationship, or just coming off a really bad relationship.  So the relationship wasn't so much about wanting to be with me, rather it was more about the individuals being surprised that someone could and would love them. I was more representative of something, not the personification of something.  That said, I thought this relationship was different.  I thought we were together because we wanted to be, not because either of us 'needed' to be.  I guess I was wrong.

Okay, as odd as it may seem, I know my anger will dissipate and our relationship will continue it its odd way.  I know he has a big place in my life.  He has had such a place since we met and he probably will for years to come.  He is, for example, coming to Seattle in the near future and I hope to see him then.  Granted, I was hoping we'd do more than hang out, but that isn't possible now that he is in love with and committed to someone else.  I respect that. I do.  I think I know how his boyfriend would feel if he knew Sam was coming here and was going to sleep with me.  To this day the idea of someone else having sex with Sam makes me want to throw up.  I imagine the new guy would feel the same. I know now that he is serious about someone else, his interest and need for contact with me will diminish, and the memories of our time together, for him will fade. But will I remain always glad to get a text, a phone call, and email, or have a Skype session with him, sure. Because I care about Sam, I am glad he has resolved his 'issues' and is having a happy life.

I've written before about the need for 'daddies' to understand that a relationship with a younger man is likely not a 'forever' relationship.  That if one doesn't understand that or isn't strong enough to deal with that fact, perhaps one shouldn't be dating a younger man. I guess when I look at it objectively, it isn't him at whom I am so mad, rather, it is I at whom I am angry. As the old saying goes, 'there is no fool like an old fool.'  When he first mentioned that he was coming back for a conference and he wanted to see me (and sleep with me) I was thrilled.  I made plans to get a full HIV and STD screening during my upcoming 'old guy' physical.  I planned to work out more, have the house cleaned, and the dog groomed, so that we'd all look good for him when he came.   How ridiculous is that?  I mean, it was kind of silly before, but now knowing he is with someone else, well....

This is where the being an old fool comes in. I don't feel like a fool for loving Sam, I could never feel that way.  I certainly am glad that we had our time together.  I've never felt so comfortable with anybody, never been so consistently happy, never been more the 'best' of me I could be. I wouldn't change the scenario for the world.  Though, I admit, during our argument I said both of those things to try and hurt him.  As they say, though, 'if you can't do the time, don't do the crime.'  I didn't mean either of those things and he didn't seem to (I hope he didn't) really believe that I meant them. (Author's note:  back in the day he occassionally read this blog, so I hope if he reads this entry he will pay attention to this part and the part about our continued contact, and not focus so much on the other stuff.)

As much as I thought I would survive and thrive when he left, it turns out I was wrong.  I haven't been on a decent date since he left.  As much as I have always enjoyed sex, these days, on the rare occasions I have it, it just doesn't quite measure up...because it is not with him and not the way we did it. The guys have been sexy, the sex (for the most part) has been fine, but the intensity and feelings that Sam and I shared just weren't there.

I am tired of being the 'training wheels' for guys.  It isn't what I want and it isn't what I deserve.  So, what is about me that attracts guys that seek that and why am I attracted to those guys.  I just don't know.  And, at my age, it is humiliating and embarrassing not to know.  I feel like your time together was more of a 'fad' for him than anything else, sort of like the interest in vegan cooking, late night jazz clubs, having a full cocktail bar, being a child advocate, etc. I mean, he was sincere in each one of those fads, until he wasn't.  Sam keeps telling me that I am spinning our relationship in the worst possible light.  He keeps insisting that he did love me, that I was important to him, and that I remain so.  Maybe he is right.  Maybe I am just not mature enough (despite my advanced age) or far enough away from the situation to see those things as being true.  I just don't understand how can he so easily and quickly have made the transition from loving me, to loving someone else. I haven't been able to do so.  I told him last night (well, I didn't express it exactly this way, but...) that I felt like a character from the book, "He's just not into you."  A character whose boyfriend breaks up with them because he just isn't 'ready', then three months later the character learns he is engaged.  Whether or not he is right or I am, my logic and emotional systems just can't understand it. Perhaps I never will, which leaves me with the impression that  our relationship wasn't serious to him and that there is clearly something wrong with me.  I am trying to see his side of the argument, but I just can't.

I wrote in a recent post that it wasn't so much that I was looking for love, or seeking to be loved, as I was looking to give love.  I guess I was wrong.  Or, perhaps, not quite right.  Am I glad that he still 'loves' me, sure.  Am I, despite my inability to see it, glad that I remain important to him, sure.  But when is it my turn to be someones 'the one?'  When do I get to stop being the relationship training wheels for others?  I am beginning to think that time will never come.  As much as I try to remain positive, at my age, I am not sure I have the emotional strength or physical energy to keep putting myself out there.  What is it they say, "what is the definition of insanity:  doing the same thing over and over again and yet expecting a different result." 

At least, that is what THIS DADDY thinks.

Billy Joe Shaver is a Texas country music singer and songwriter. Shaver's 1973 album Old Five and Dimers Like Me is a classic in the outlaw country genre.

Where do Older Lads Go?

I've often wondered.  The older I get (and boy am I old, I turn 50 a month from now), it seems the younger the lads get.  Having been back in the dating pool for over a year now (though at the shallowest end of the pool) the only guys from whom I receive any attention are guys young enough to be my son.  Seriously, I get hit on by guys who are 20 or 21...there was even  one young sailor, 19 years old, who expressed interest in getting into my pants. 

Now, I prefer younger guys, of course, and Sam was 24 when we met (I was 46).  But Sam is a special, 'young' man, so the vast age difference wasn't a real issue for us.  He wasn't looking for a parent, he didn't want someone to 'take care' of him.  He wanted to have sex with me because he found me sexy, not because I was 'nice' or 'stable', etc.  It, the age difference, had ramifications, of course (he didn't want to introduce me as his boyfriend to some of his friends for fear they'd think it was too weird he was dating an old dude, his compulsion to move to Boston for graduate school because he 'had' to do so, etc.), but it (the age difference) didn't really have an impact on our day to day lives together.  It didn't interfere.  We were just as attracted to each other the day we parted as the day we met, we still loved being together, the sex was still fulfilling, etc.  Those things said, though, I am more than willing and anxious to acknowledge that under most circumstances, a 22 year age difference (when the younger guy is in his 20's and the older one in his 40's) is not the best marker of a successful, long term relationship. 

So, my question is:  where are the hot guys in their late 20's to late 30's who were 'boys' at 21?  Are they all taken?  Are they no longer interesting in 'boying'?  I can't figure it out.  As I've written before, I think guys can continue to be boyish into their 40's.  My ex (the one who lives 80 feet away from the little house on the Big Lake), at 45, is still quite boyish.  I recently went on a date with a really hot Brazilian boy, aged 39 and he is very boyish...okay, he does have a bald spot, but still.  He was boyish as all get out.

So, where do all the 'older' boys go?  As someone approaching the big 50, I am acutely aware that my  dating options, whether I like it or not, are dwindling.  But, I still think I have a great deal to offer.  I am a much better person than I was at 30 (ask Sam, he'll confirm it for you).  I am calmer, more patient, much easier going.  I have a nice home (messy and a bit down at heel, but still nice), a good job, a crazy dog, etc.  One would think I'd be a hot commodity.  Heck, if I was a straight guy, I'd have chicks crawling all over me.

I am not now, nor was I when I met Sam, expecting to have a 'serious' relationship with someone more than a generation younger than myself.  It was a surprise to me that the best relationship I'd ever had was with someone so much younger and so different.  But, as I said, that was a special case and Sam is a special young man.  I am not living on pins and needles awaiting another hot 24 year old, with a hot ass, nice feet, who is a total bottom, and loves to call me, 'Daddy' during special intimate moments.  If I was, I'd likely be setting myself up for disappointment.  No matter what the age, finding a great love is hard.


Is it unrealistic to think that there are tall, skinny, bottom boys in their 30's, with nice feet and nice asses around?  I shouldn't be.  But for some odd reason I am finding it so.

At least, that is what THIS DADDY thinks.