While away on Annual Training (reserve speak for the 'two weeks' military reservists are required to perform every year), the loss of my relationship with Sam (my former, young man) hit me like a sledge hammer. Crazy, I know. I mean, it has been almost two years (16 August is the second anniversary of our parting of the ways), but I still miss the big dork and what we shared every day. Every single, gosh darned day.
Okay, there were multiple factors that led up to the meltdown: exhaustion (working 12 hour shifts, sleeping...or not as was the case...in a noisy, hot barracks room); sick (I have asthma. Whenever I travel someplace where I shuttle between air conditioned work and living spaces...we don't DO air conditioning here in Seattle...I get a respiratory infection); being called 'stupid' by a subordinate but still. I was completely shocked at the extend of the meltdown.
So, what set the event off? Whilst looking up pictures of my house on Facebook (I am having an extensive energy renovation conducted and I needed to answer a question by the contractor about the new windows I'd ordered), I unintentionally clicked on Sam's Facebook page. While I am hardly a Luddite, I am not good with the technology including the Facebook, so I often miss-click on stuff unintentionally, when I am trying to do something else.
What did I see? I saw his profile picture...a picture which includes his new boyfriend. When I saw it, I blanched. During our time together, I never appeared in his profile picture, nor was I ever referenced as having meant anything more important to him than being just a friend. My first thought, irrational, though it may have been, was that he loves the new guy more then he'd ever loved me, that his relationship with him is more important, more enriching, just plain, 'more' than was ours. I have no rational reason nor right to be upset about this, I just was. Ridiculous, I know. Silly, unreasonable, borderline irrational, still I almost burst into tears whilst sitting at my watch station. I literally had to get up, walk out of the building in which I was working, into the parking lot, so that I could weep. Which I did, on and off for about three hours.
I hate doing things which I worry will damage what respect he has for me. I mean, it was my butch, military officer/Daddy persona with which he fell in love. Not the emotionally scarred weepy little bitch like which I was acting.
Since he left, my romantic life has been to say the least, 'unfulfilling.' This lack of fulfillment, causes me, to reminisce about the old days. How happy I was and how much I lost when he went away to graduate school. Seeing his so happy and playful with his new boyfriend, made me feel as if our time together had become but a distant, blurry memory of an insignificant, transitory period in his life.
I try to avoid doing stuff that will enhance my appearance as a ridiculous, old man hung up on a romance long ended. But, I don't always succeed.
I am very happy for him and glad for his personal and professional success. I am proud of him and wouldn't change, even with all of the pain I continue to feel over its ending, a second of our time together. During our time together, I truly did love him with all of my heart. And, to some extent I always will. I am glad that his life has moved on, but in my weaker moments, I worry that he no longer remembers the passion and intimacy we shared. I also get that the context of our relationship has changed, so he's moved passed having the rare feeling of missing me, or waking up, wishing it was me lying next to him.
Unfortunately for me, though, I haven't been as successful at moving passed those things. On a day like the one on which I had my meltdown, I sure wish that I had. My therapist tells me that I cannot predict the future. Perhaps I will find love again. I hope so. But as time passes, it seems ever less likely.
In a recent conversation, when discussing this stuff, Sam made some comment along the lines of, 'okay, you aren't having success at dating now....' What he can't understand, being so young, is that at this age, 'now' is what of which I most have. Finding love at any age is hard. At this stage in my life, realistically, there aren't that many years left for me to keep having extended periods of singleness.
Don't get me wrong, as that wise prophet, Whitney Houston once wrote, "I'd rather be alone than unhappy." I would, really. But lately it doesn't seem like I have much choice in the matter.
At least (today, anyway) that is what THIS DADDY thinks.
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