How Toxic is Too Toxic?

We all have them, you know who I mean, those 'friends' who proclaim to love us and to be willing to stand by us through thick and thin...yet, at every opportunity, like teenage mean girls, they denigrate us, demean us, and disrespect us. Yet, for some odd reason, we stay in these friendships. Why? Especially for those of us who've been in less than healthy romantic relationships, who've risen above those and moved onto more healthy ones, it seems odd that we'd stay in friendships that are in their own way just as unhealthy, if not more so.

I have a friend, for the purposes of this article, we'll call him, "Clark." Clark and I have been friends for eons. We met when he applied for a job at the huge university next to the big lake where I work. First let me explain that my civilian job (for those of you who don't know, I am a military reservist, so I have a military career and a civilian one all at the same time. I am also a professional actor, but that is a topic for another time.) is one in which I work with almost exclusively people of the distaff side of society, i.e., chicks. The place is lousy with them. While tasked with reviewing resumes for an open position, Clark's resume popped out like a lighthouse beacon on a foggy night. First, he was a guy. That in itself was pretty amazing, but he was also a graduate of the same obscure military language school I'd attended a couple of decades before. Wait, I thought, "here is a guy, one; and two, a guy with whom I probably have stuff in common and maybe we'd even know some folks in common. We need to bring him in for an interview." So, with a bunch of pressure on my part, we did. The chicks, as was predictable, on the search committee overruled me (how do you think the place became almost exclusive female in the first place, boys are bad, they hate them), when it came to the hiring decision, so he didn't get the job. When another, similar position opened up, in a nearby department, though, I was able to slip his resume to the hiring official. Needless to say, I pushed hard to get him in for an interview. He got the job. To thank me, he offered to take me out for a beer. From that moment on, we became fast friends.

Or so, it would appear. It is true that we hang out. We are both nerds, so we talk about movies and TV shows we like. One constant topic is obscure TV shows from the 60's and 70's that only we seem to remember. We both enjoy an good beer (though he likes really dark, nasty-tasting beers and I favor very flavorful ambers). We like to ruminate on which is the best Star Trek (show or movie); who might be the next Doctor; why the Mariners suck ass, and such. When we are in our cups, an observer might see us exchanging a lot of hugs and hear a lot of, "who's got your back, brotha" and , "I love you, man" comments. You know, the whole 'bromance' thing. We even joke, him being totally straight and me being totally gay, that we are going to start a website called, "Stags and Fags", celebrating all things related to the gay/straight male friendships we all experience. We joke that when we retire we are going to buy a bar and call it, 'The Stag and Fag' (you know, like an English pub, we are both anglophiles, after all), and make it a 'safe, welcoming' place for straight and gay dudes to hang out.

It is also true that we've supported each other through both professional crisis and various romantic relationships through the years. I can honestly say that there has been a time or two during which I'd have not survived a break up or a professional disaster, without his support and that of his (now ex) wife. In the same ways, I've been there for him. Like any friendship, it hasn't always run smoothly. We fight, we bitch to and about each other, we talk sh*t to each other, but we always end up (figuratively) kissing and making up. I feel lucky that I have a friend like this.

And yet...at what cost? Clark can also be mean, bordering on vicious, especially when he has been drinking. He can be critical, not in a constructive way, but a nasty one. Beyond the normal sh*t guys spew at each other, he makes demeaning and insulting comments about what I think (I believe in a higher power, he doesn't. I tend towards more conservative political thinking, he is a commie, pinko), how I act, and about the decisions I sometimes make. There are even times when he treats me like (and essentially says to me and others) I am stupid. Always anxious to meet and hang out with the men with whom I develop relationships and supportive when I experience a break up, he also always puts me down about my choices in romantic partners. This has been especially true when the fellow I am dating is younger than I. Younger, I mean, significantly, as was Sam, the boy I loved (well still love, though I am not supposed to anymore) who recently moved to Boston, Sam being 22 years younger than I.

Making and maintaining friendships at any age is tough. As we get older, so do our friends. They have relationships, become parents, get involved in their careers, move away, etc. At some point, no matter how close has been a relationship, that closeness is affected by these outside pressures. What we experience in being BFFs at an early age is far different than that which we experience in middle age. But some things should not change. Our friends should value us, support us, and most importantly, respect us.

There is a lot of talk in gay writings about how we, being marginalized in many ways, develop our own 'families'. We place an emphasis on developing and maintaining relationships that are not biological, but that sustain us and function as a family. I don't know about you, but I've found this effort difficult. Maybe I am just not very likable, who knows? But while others seem find making these families 'easy', I don't. I never have. I am, therefore, to my detriment, more reliant on the few friendships I do manage to make. For heaven's sake, I am still buddies with my ex of 10 years, who dumped me for a fat, nelly skeez he was f*cking while I was away at the war. While I wish things were different, they aren't. I'd like my 'friend' family life to be more like that found in the, 'Tales of the City' series, it just isn't. And that is okay. At least, it should be. Shouldn't it?

I like Clark. I do. And I really appreciate those times when he's been there for me. But, I am starting to believe that the toxicity that I must tolerate to maintain this friendship is too much. I want a friend who will do a 'reality check' on how I think and how I act. I don't need one who is nasty to me, putting me down at every opportunity. Lately, particularly in the context of my romantic life, it is not the reality checking that I am seeing, rather the nastiness.

When Clark was cheating on his wife (with whom I am also friends), with a bi-sexual, Wiccan girl, who drinks too much, is allergic to everything, has a trust fund, and is nearly young enough to be his daughter, I kept his secret, respecting his privacy as he requested. When his wife found out (from another so-called 'friend', not from me) that he was cheating, I was there offering support, not criticism. When they divorced and he needed help moving out of their house, I was there, packing stuff, shlepping boxes into the Pod, etc. Unlike many of his other friends, I was there. I opened my ears and my heart to his stories of his wife's issues. I held him when he cried. I was there being supportive when, despite him being the cheater, he kept insisting his ex-wife was being a b*tch for being less friendly than he'd hoped, since he wanted them to remain friends.

When it comes to my romantic life, though, what kind of 'support' do I get? Nada. Clark, and now his female companion (the much younger, bi-sexual, Wiccan with the trust fund, who is allergic to almost everything), whenever the topic of my romantic life comes up, very pointedly insist that the reason I am not being successful romantically at the moment is because I have unreasonable and unrealistic expectations.

Picture this...Clark is a short, dumpy, balding, color-blind, middle-aged guy with bad teeth, dirty finger nails, who drinks too much, and uses chewing tobacco. He is dating a pretty, blond girl (well, not to my taste, but I think most straight dudes would agree she is attractive), who is 15 years his junior, who owns her own home and has a trust fund. In almost any context, she could be considered out of his league. Yet, they both tag team me when the conversation turns to my dating situation, complaining my expectations are too high, because I actually expect to be attracted to the person I date. They are even more vociferous in their comments when insisting on what type I 'deserve' to date. The young lady's former husband is a tall, fat, balding guy in his 30's, sporting a bad goatee, who wears a kilt and a bowler daily. Trust me, I've met him. I mean, really. A bowler? A kilt? Sigh. Anyway, they insist that someone who looks like that (well, they give a little on the bowler and the kilt) is the sort of person to whom I should be attracted and that I should seek to date. They criticize and cavel that since I am short, stocky, hairy, and older, I am (oddly, just as do the Bears here in Seattle) therefore only allowed to date someone even shorter, hairier, fatter, and older. Alright, they probably think it was okay for the guy to be taller, but other than that, not willing to give an inch. They insist that by not being interested in or willing to date someone like that, I am being selfish, hypocritical and unrealistic, therefore damned to be alone, so I should quit complaining about being lonely.

So, let me get this straight, Clark, who to be charitable, is pretty lucky that almost any woman would find him appealing, let alone his current girlfriend, 'deserves' to date someone 'out of his league' and I don't. Clark gets to date someone for whom he has a passion, who has a passion for him, someone with whom he has much in common, and someone who makes him happy, but I don't. Really? Why is that? Does he have so little respect for me, place so little value on our friendship that he can look me in the eyes and say such a thing?

I understand that one role our friends should play is to keep us 'real'. I get it, I do. When you see a friend doing something unhealthy, dangerous, detrimental to their well being, you should take action. But I also think that our friends are supposed to hope for the best for us. They are supposed to value us, respect us, and think we are special. And, they should believe we deserve to be happy and healthy. If they don't do these things, then what kind of friends are they really? I like Clark. I do. I value him and respect him. He is smart, he works hard, and he is funny. I also want to have 'serious' friendships, with him included. But not at the cost of my self-respect. When the price a friendship is being humiliated, talked down to, insulted, demeaned, it really isn't a friendship worth nurturing.

At least, that is what THIS DADDY thinks.



Britney Spears Toxic Reprise piano + voix de Yael Naim