THIS DADDY Hits the Big Time

First Buck up, Princess was named a top 100 GLBT dating blog.  Now, THIS DADDY is appearing as a guest blogger on Datingadvice.com.  

DatingAdvice.com is an all-inclusive dating resource site whose experts dispense wisdom on 'all things dating' through how-to articles, informational studies, reviews of gay dating sites, reader questions and more!

I am very impressed with Datingadvice.com, and not just because they asked me to guest blog for them.  I've found the articles to be very much of interest and very insightful.

So, please check it out when you get the chance.

At least, that is what THIS DADDY thinks.

Kids, What's the Matter with Kids These Days?

There is a line from the movie, "Dazed and Confused" which goes something like, 'That's what I love about these high school girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age.' 

I know that there are lots of old dudes who feel that way.  The older they get, the younger it is they hope the romantic partners they find will be.  I am not one of those guys.  Sure, I date younger guys.  And sure I think it is perfectly find to do so.  But, there is young, and there is, "YOUNG." 

As I've mentioned before, my last (and the happiest and most healthy) relationship was with a fellow two decades younger than am I.  He was 24 when we met, I was 46.   We met on a website designed to support inter-generational dating. He finds older, stocky, hairy dudes (like me) attractive and I find younger, taller, skinnier guys attractive.  So it was a match made in heaven. But, I think we both knew this was a fluke.  He wasn't originally intending to be in a serious relationship and I wasn't intending to try and have a serious relationship with someone that much younger.  Despite the odds and despite criticism from our various peer groups, it worked. 

With his departure for grad school across the country and the end of our relationship, having come away with such a positive experience, I figured it would be easy to find someone new, ideally someone a little older than he, more settled, a little more ready for a long term situation.  

For good or for ill, for right or for wrong, that hasn't happened.  What has happened, though, is I seem to be (as we say in the Navy), "Pogey Bait" for guys not Sam's age or older; rather Sam's age (at the time we met) or younger.  Which I just find bizarre.  

I mean, sure, it is nice when you are online and you get 'gropes' or 'winks' or whatever from guys you also think are cute (not so nice when it is guys you find grodie, but I digress).  But what guy my age in his right mind wants to be chased after by kids barely out of high school?  So, I don't really know how to respond when this happens.  I know, I know, some of you oldsters are going to say but, 'what about Chris and Don,' or other such examples of extreme age differences where the relationship lasted.  But really, that is pretty rare, admit it. 

Okay, there is the rare really mature guy 20-year old college boy, or military guy with whom such a relationship is possible, but that is a one in a million shot.  I recently met one such boy.  A college student, who I thought (I can't remember why) to be 22 or 23, came over to my house to hang out.  As we were chatting away, having a splendid time, it happened to slip out that he was only 19.  Eek! I almost spit out my drink. As the chatting continued, much to my relief, he made it very clear that while he is really into 'older' guys, he is also mature enough to understand that he ISN'T mature enough for anything serious.  Not looking for anything serious with someone that young myself, I was impressed with his maturity. He is clearly the sort of young man with whom an old dude might consider trying to have a relationship.  But it was that very maturity that made it clear that no such relationship was being considered.  I knew he was too young and he knew it too.  Thank heavens! Now, in 5 years or so.....anyway.

So, what is it with all these other young guys, I mean YOUNG guys, who chase after me?  Is it my chiseled, good looks?  My Irish-Italian charm?  Who the hell knows?  And why is it some nice, attractive, 32 year old tall, skinny doctor with nice feet isn't chasing after me?  Again, who the hell knows?  This situation is crazy, don't you think?

At least, that is what THIS DADDY thinks.

Ditto, Ditto, Ditto, Ditto.....

I came across the following article today whilst 'flipping through' the Huffington Post.  I am not sure I agree with everything included in the article, and I am not sure my experience dating in, "middle age," is as 'upbeat' as it would lead one to believe, but I did find it interesting.


A Gay Man At Midlife Ponders Being Lonely And ‘Invisible'

A Gay Man at Midlife Ponders Being Lonely and ‘Invisible’

By STEVEN PETROW

Published: March 19, 2013

Every other Tuesday, Steven Petrow, the author of “Steven Petrow’s Complete Gay & Lesbian Manners,” (Workman, 2011), addresses questions about gay and straight etiquette for a boomer-age audience. Send questions for Civil Behavior to stevenpetrow@earthlink.net.

 Q. Dear Civil Behavior: Your comment in a recent column about gays at midlife finding themselves “suddenly invisible — aged out by the young, restless and beautiful” resonated loudly with me. At 59 I am single and almost friendless. I live in Philadelphia, which has a reasonably sized gay community, yet I feel like an outsider. Many of my friends died two decades ago and my contemporaries have started retiring to Florida. I would like to go out dancing sometimes, but I don’t feel comfortable going to bars anymore. The Internet seems full of people looking to do drugs. I remember the distaste we all once had for “old people,” but I’m tired of staying home on weekends. Do you have any advice? —Stephen W., Philadelphia

A. Dear Stephen: Believe me, I understand “the middle ages” can be difficult for anyone, gay or straight. After all, wasn’t it Phyllis Diller who cracked: “Maybe it’s true that life begins at 50 ... but everything else starts to wear out, fall out or spread out.” The ability to laugh — and laugh at ourselves — is key to our happiness.

Still, there are some unusual and disproportionate challenges to aging within the gay community that your experiences highlight. “Many L.G.B.T. older people experience high rates of social isolation,” says Michael Adams, executive director of Services and Advocacy for G.L.B.T. Elders, an organization dedicated to helping older members of our community. “We’re twice as likely to be single and to live alone, and three to four times as likely to be childless. And many of us are estranged from our families of origin, and so are only half as likely as our heterosexual counterparts to have close relatives to lean on for help.” Adding salt to these wounds, a 2004 study, “Old, Gay, and Alone?” reported that 44 percent of older gay men “feel disconnected from or even unwelcomed by younger generations of L.G.B.T. people.”

This isolation is partly explained by our community’s extraordinary place in history. Many of us lost lovers, friends and family in the depths of the H.I.V./AIDS epidemic, so we find ourselves short on these lifelines just when we need them most. (This might also help explain why the situation is more difficult for gay men than it is for lesbians: The study I noted previously showed that lesbians “tended to have networks that were more resilient and showed less fluctuation in response to changes with aging,” probably because their support networks were not nearly as devastated by H.I.V./AIDS as gay men’s were.) Those who survived the plague can only be grateful — yet, like you, these losses continue to prick our hearts.

But before we start taking meds, host pity parties or just become shut-ins, let’s remember that our generation is still one powerfully large cohort, and our sheer numbers dictate that we confront ageism in our community. Consider Stu Maddux’s award-winning documentary, “Gen Silent,” which garnered so much attention by putting a face on the plight of older members of our community. “They’re often afraid to ask for help or are isolated from their families,” Mr. Maddux told me, adding, “The good news is that mainstream aging organizations are waking up and realizing, yes, these folks do have unique issues we have to address.”

So if you’re determined to find friends or even lovers, of any age, what do you do? First off, you’ve got to be willing to go out into the world or you’re not going to meet people, period. If bars don’t work for you, stay out of them. Second, friendships can’t be taken for granted or put on autopilot; in fact they often take more energy than what some people are willing to invest in them. Ask yourself: 

Are you willing to do that?

If the answer is yes, start by doing a quick search for your nearest L.G.B.T. community center; you’ll probably be amazed by the number of activities on tap like those at the William Way Center near you in Philadelphia. Nationwide, our generation has founded its own social and support networks, like Prime Timers Worldwide (with more than 80 chapters in the United States and a smattering overseas), Old Lesbians Organizing for Change and the National Association of Black and White Men Together.

But let’s not completely write off the Millennials and Gen Xers, many of who are interested in befriending folks our age (if not seeking more). As a 30-year-old posted on my Facebook page in response to your question, “I find having friends who are gay and older helps me learn about the gay community’s past struggles and truly understand where we have come from, where we are now, and where we’re going as a society.” Another, a happily partnered woman, suggested that you “Look for people who like older people and enjoy being with them. They’re out there to be found. I know, because one found me.”

Of course, at 59 you’re only six years away from retirement, when you can join your brothers and sisters in Florida or Palm Springs. Believe me, you’ll be considered quite the spring chicken when you get to those communities. Above all, try to remember we’re lucky we’ve gotten to see and live through our middle years; so many of our loved ones did not. 

 Ditto, Ditto, Ditto, Ditto.....

At least, that is what THIS DADDY thinks.

As Time Goes By

When referring to changes in the unemployment rate, members of the media often comment on how the number stated does not reflect those long term unemployed who have essentially given up looking for work.  In the context of dating, perhaps if speaking on the number of single, gay men, they might refer to the number of middle-aged dudes who've given up on finding a romantic partner. An unpleasant concept, isn't it?

I know, I know, one is supposed to keep a positive attitude and be grateful for how things are.  I often write about how much I enjoy aspects of aging and how much better is my life than it is have ever been before.  I gets hard, though, to keep up a positive attitude about dating, at least I have been finding it so of late.

I am told I still possess a certain charm.  Despite my surprise at others finding it so, I am told I am still an attractive man.  But charming or attractive as I am told, facing another Friday night alone, hanging out at home with my crazy dog, wasting time watching bad TV, just doesn't sound appealing.


Whah, whah, whah, I know I sound like a Debbie Downer.  And, as I've written before, being pitiful is never sexy.  But, it is my blog, I get to write about what I want and how I feel.  Dating has ups and it has downs.  I try to remind myself that writing a blog on dating will reflect my experience, both positive and negative.  It has just been so negative lately, it would seem whining about it wouldn't be appealing to my readers.

Okay, okay...deep breath, deep breath. Things will get better.  Hard to believe at times, perhaps...but they will.

At least, that is what THIS DADDY thinks.

 "As Time Goes By" performed by Billie "Lady Day" Holiday. Composed by Herman Hupfeld for the 1931 Broadway Musical "Everybody's Welcome" but more famously known for Dooley Wilsons' version in the 1942 movie "Casablanca".

Daddy Haiku #3

I like my gray hair.
I like my hazel/green eyes.
They tell who I am. 

You Know You Are Getting Old When.....

Not long ago (Sunday, April 22, 2012) in a posting entitled, "Younger Than Spring Time..."

I wrote about how and by whom I was 'imprinted' with regards to the type of guy it is to whom I am attracted.

As I wrote at the time, "John Kerr was an actor who played, " 2LT Joseph Cable, USMC " in the movie version of, "South Pacific". Tall, slender, almost slight, at an early age (7 perhaps) I know he made my 'fun parts' tingle. After seeing him wonder around shirtless and barefoot, then making love' to Liat (a beautiful, Pacific Islander girl played by, France Nuyen), I was hooked."

Well, my 'imprinter' recently passed away (John Kerr Obituary).  Maybe I am weird, but learning that Mr. Kerr had died has added to the log pile of occurrences making me more acutely aware of my mortality.  Sigh, getting old is not for weak of heart.

I never got to meet Mr. Kerr in person and, as you can read in his Wikipedia entry or his IMDB posting, he hasn't led a public life in many years. I wonder, had I been able to meet him how he would have felt at being informed of the lasting effect he had on me.  Funny isn't it, how some of the most insignificant things that we do sometimes have major impacts on others, without even knowing what we've done or even that we've made any impact at all.

As I wrote at the time, there are times that I wish I'd imprinted on someone else.  It is the orthodoxy, at least here in Seattle, that a short, stocky, hairy, older is only allowed to be attracted to others of his own type.  Well, right or wrong, for good or ill, I am stuck with an attraction to taller; lean, almost slight guys, with nice feet.  Instead of, "Damn you, John Kerr! Damn you to h*ll!," as I teasingly wrote in that earlier article, now I write seriously, "Thank you, John Kerr! Thank you all the way to heaven."  To me, you'll always be, "Younger than Spring Time."

At least, that is what, THIS DADDY thinks.

The classic 1958 Rogers & Hammerstein movie. Rights belong to MGM and 20th Century Fox and others. This video viewable everywhere except Germany.

Once again, I received the following email from a kind and thoughtful reader.  I have no idea if it is original prose or not.  But, he was kind enough to send it in response to some of my postings, so I'd like to share it with the other readers.

 ... as the song is sung...
... "we are finding who we are"...
(king's x - impressive catalog)
... so who i am...
... is as oft unknown to me...
... as it is to you...
... though in this becoming...
... and unbecoming...
... perhaps we both...
... are better men now...
... than then...
... and if faith rewards...
... most excellent in character...
... in yon fore when...
... and i will pray your year...
... more wonderful...
... than you know mine shall be...
... and that you shall have...
... resilience...
... as you are full of "why"...
... and shall have...
... patience...
... as others are...
... and, of course...
... in addition to being...
... well read...
... and well laid...
... that you are...
... well loved...
blessings from the kingdom of the two seas.
laeth

Nice is as nice does.

At least, that is what THIS DADDY thinks.

My Song of the Sea

Moscrop choir 2009 spring concert

Kind Note from a Reader #2

Once again, I received the following email from a kind and thoughtful reader.  I have no idea if it is original prose or not.  But, he was kind enough to send it in response to some of my postings, so I'd like to share it with the other readers.

 ... as the song is sung...
... "we are finding who we are"...
(king's x - impressive catalog)
... so who i am...
... is as oft unknown to me...
... as it is to you...
... though in this becoming...
... and unbecoming...
... perhaps we both...
... are better men now...
... than then...
... and if faith rewards...
... most excellent in character...
... in yon fore when...
... and i will pray your year...
... more wonderful...
... than you know mine shall be...
... and that you shall have...
... resilience...
... as you are full of "why"...
... and shall have...
... patience...
... as others are...
... and, of course...
... in addition to being...
... well read...
... and well laid...
... that you are...
... well loved...
blessings from the kingdom of the two seas.
laeth

Nice is as nice does.

At least, that is what THIS DADDY thinks.

My Song of the Sea

Moscrop choir 2009 spring concert

Will you look at the man? He's a Freudian delight; he crawls with clues!

As I re-read, 'The Caine Mutiny,' as I do sometimes two or three times a year, I am often struck by how much I identify with one of the characters.  I did so before I joined the Navy, have done so for the nearly 34 years I've been in the Navy, and probably will do so long after I am retired from the Navy.  Oddly, it isn't Willie, nor is it Maryk.  I actually identify with Queeg.  Funny, how a literary character can have such an impact.  My 9th grade English teacher, Mrs. O'doan, once told me (when I commented on how much I enjoyed Mr. Wouk's work)  that she didn't think much of his work because the characters in his books lack depth. I didn't agree then, and I agree even less so now.  Every time I read the book, I find different and new things.  I see the characters and their actions in new ways.  Part of this, I am sure, is that as we age, our perspectives change and such.  But to my mind, this experience is more a case of well written characters, written by a master who had embued the characters with shades of colors that, like an old, oriental rug, which changes color and becomes more exquisite and beautiful, even as it fades.  I often find myself using Queeg as a prism through which I see both the good and bad qualities of my character.  Like him, I am short and pot-bellied, though I have a full head of dark hair.  I suffer from anxiety, which manifests itself as irritation.  I am shy and awkward around strangers. Those are some of the bad qualities.  The good:  I believe in service.  I try to do things right.  The Navy is one of the most important things in my life.  I don’t think I’d be able to experience this phenomena, if not for how multi-layered and deep is the Queeq character.  I’ve read almost all of Mr. Wouk’s works of fiction.  In each I have found the sense of place and time compelling.  When I read the book, I can smell the rotting potatoes, I can feel the quiver of the old ship when she crashes into the dock in Oakland., I am transported to the Clip Shack.  Having always had a fascination for Four-pipers (and their various permutations), I almost feel as though I’ve been aboard one.  I went recently to a WWII veterans reunion for a group of APD veterans (APD’s being one of the permutations through which the four-pipers went, though one focused on troop transport, not mine sweeping).  The old salts were all shocked that a young buck (compared to them) like me would attend.  Having read the book so many times, the description of life aboard the rusty, old Caine, so vividly described, as I listened to their stories, it was like I had been right there with them.  Is the book perfect, perhaps not.  Do I have some nagging questions, yes  (for example, how can Queeq be so much older than the members of his wardroom, when he only graduated from USNA in 1936?  In 1944, with only 8 years of service, how can he be so wizened an old LCDR?) .  But do I feel transported back to a time and place I can only imagine?  Yes. And isn’t that one of the most important things a well-written book does for the reader?  Yes.

Once of my most prized possessions is a first addition of, ‘The Caine Mutiny,’ signed by Mr. Wouk.  It is probably the closest I’ll ever come to meeting him.  It is prominently displayed in my living room.  I point it out whenever I have guests. Ooops, I am starting to sound like a gushing school girl, which I’ve tried to avoid.  So as not to ruin my strict military officer personae, I’ll stop and just say, “That Herman Wouk, he sure writes great books, dang great books.”

At least, that is what THIS DADDY thinks.

Trailer for 'The Caine Mutiny' directed by Edward Dmytryk. 1954.

Ask This Daddy, Question Number: 1

One function of being a, 'Daddy,' is offering advice and counsel to the young men who seek you out.  A nice young man with whom I correspond recently asked the following question, 'This Daddy, can a person ever ask "too many" questions?'  As he explained, recently two separate people had pointed out that he seems to "interrogate"  people in face-to-face conversations.  He, on the other hand, thinks he is just simply asking for a better understanding. In different conversations with the two individuals, both became upset by the perceived, "interrogation" and he received criticism for asking too many questions. Further, in our chat, he wondered whether or not the nature or topic of the conversation might have put the other person on the defensive, perhaps having hit a nerve, or perhaps fear of the question may have turned both conversations into very disruptive arguments.  Reportedly, the nature of both conversations were different - one was seeking better understanding about a TV show; and, one was about Dad/lad relationships.

My response, 'It depends on the context of the situation in which the questions were asked.'  In my experience, there are times when a question is asked to which:

the answer seems obvious, so no answer is required;
the answerer may not be able to articulate the answer clearly, even to himself;
or some ambiguity might exist, making a black and white answer impossible.

During one of our very first social outings, my former young man (Sam) asked me, 'which of Seattle's parks is your favorite?' My answer, 'I like different parks for different reasons.' He became irritated thinking I was refusing to answer the question, I became irritated because he kept asking for clarification, making me feel badgered. To this day, when we chat on the phone or Skype, when I want to rib him about some question he asks,  I respond with a, 'I like different parks/'movies/beers for different reasons' kind of answer. It always makes us both smile when I tease him like that. Younger guys often tend to be more black and white in their thinking, while older men see more shades of gray.  So to me, I was giving a perfectly clear answer.  To him, I was being unreasonably obtuse, or as his put it, "willful."

An example from the media is found in the book(s), play, musical play, and movie(s) featuring a character called, "Auntie Mame."* The story involves a young man who is sent to live with his wild and crazy aunt upon the death of his father.  Being the precocious young man he is, every time he hears a word he doesn't understand, he asks his poor aunt.  One morning, after a wild party, very early in the morning, he sneaks into her room, blows a trumpet, waking her up with a start.  Hung over, she is barely conscious when he starts in with his word questions.  Her response is to hand him a notebook and a pencil and tell him, 'Whenever you hear a word you don't understand, write it down in your notebook.  Once a week we'll sit down and go through the list.'  Like Auntie Mame, it is a Dad's role to teach and to mentor.  But, sometimes, like with anything, it can become wearying.  So sometimes, no matter how hard it might be, the younger guy, when receiving an "obtuse" answer should just say, 'okay,' in the moment and ask for clarification later.


In the discussion about Dad/lad relationships, perhaps it was difficult for the Dad to articulate the answer. Every Dad/lad relationship (like any other) has its own rules and accepted norms.  So, to many a Dad, having to explain their take on such relationships is a little like that old expression made popular by Supreme Court Justice, Potter Stewart, paraphrased here, 'I may not know how to define what is pornography, but I know it when I see it.' It may be easy for the Dad to intuit the type of relationship it is that he seeks, he may just not know exactly how to articulate when questioned. 

Sam, my former young man, and I used to tangle all the time over my touch of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD).  He do some innocuous thing (drop some clean sheets on the floor while making the bed, for example) which would set it off.  My form of OCD revolves around defining what is 'clean' and what is 'dirty.'  So having dropped the sheets on the floor, they were now, "dirty," therefore not for use in making the bed.  In other words, he'd do something perfectly reasonable in his mind,  that in my twisted, little brain caused something that was supposed to be "clean", "dirty."  Stupid, I know, but I'd get upset.  His response would be to say something like, 'Hey, I am fine doing/not doing X, you just need to tell me the rules which apply, so I can understand them.' I'd argue back that the reason he should or should not do something was so obvious, it shouldn't need a 'rule' or an explanation.  Being 'weird' about cleanliness, for example, it seems obvious to me that after having had sex, a guy wouldn't just get up and grab his cellphone and start texting, without first having washed his hands.  I mean, I don't know how other guys have sex, but to me almost any way you do it, when you are done, your hands are going to be covered in cum and other body fluids.  Would you want your Mom picking up your cellphone after you did that?  No, GROSS. Similarly, it grosses me out when I am with a guy who tries to get all cuddle and stuff, after sex, having gotten up to pee and returned to bed having not washed his hands.  Both, to me, are equally obvious.  Such actions spread cooties, therefore are "Bad" and shouldn't need a rule or require an explanation for not doing them.  Don't get me wrong, I get that I am a complete freak.  I make not claim that my 'rules' are right. But right or not, they seem so obvious, I have a hard time, reasonably or not, not being irritated when challenged on them. 

Communication in any relationship is challenging.  While very hard to do, it is important to develop the skill of understanding that different people communicate in different ways.  So, the people that were accusing my young correspondent were wrong to assume he was "interrogating" them and he was wrong to not have learned to read the signals of their distress at feeling "interrogated."

At least, that is what THIS DADDY thinks.

Auntie Mame - Trailer

* http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Auntie_Mame_(film)