Just Who The Hell Is That?

I recently went to a reunion of sorts. It was for the service members with whom I had served in various military reserve units located in the Pacific Northwest during the 80's and 90's.

Upon arrival, it was nice to see some old familiar faces and chat with the men and women with whom I'd served so proudly. As with any such event, there were displays of various kinds, memorabilia, memorials to those we'd lost over the years, etc. On one table lay a stack unmarked proofs of the access badge photos for many former members. A former colleague and I, each with a drink in hand (a common occurrence amongst old sailors like myself), decided to look at them together. As we viewed the array of pictures, we'd each take turns pointing at a picture, naming those faces we remembered. We also took turns reminding each other of the names of those not remembered. At one point, after we'd looked at almost all of the pictures and between the two of us, named almost everybody, I pointed at one of the remaining pictures. I was both honestly wondering just who in the hell was that guy, and thinking, 'he was sort of cute, I ought to remember him.' My friend took one look at the picture, his immediate response: 'that is you, you idiot'. I was completely non-pulsed, I had no idea that was me. And, I certainly had no recollection of ever having been that cute.

Upon reflection, I think that experience is indicative of the disconnect most of us have between how we see and perceive ourselves and how others do so. Maybe it is just me, but I have never had a very good sense of how I look to others. On a good day, I'd say I am passably attractive, for a guy my age, if a bit bearish and rumpled looking. If you've read some of my previous posts, you may remember that I am a rather casual fellow, who doesn't iron his attire, except for his uniforms, and gets all of his clothes at COSTCO. I am hardly the epitome of the stylish, middle-aged, gay man. Even on a bad day, I don't look like a gargoyle and I do still have most of my hair. Still, it is clear, at least to me, that even on one of the rare good days, I most likely only appeal to that narrow segment of our society who find stocky, hairy, older, bearish guys appealing.

I am not my type at all, so I have historically always struggled with the idea of anybody in their right mind finding me attractive. Even in the face of evidence to the contrary in the person of all of those hot boys with whom I've shared my bed lo these many years. Those who know me would be happy to assure you that Sister Mary Sunshine, I am not. But of the many positive things that aging can bring, perspective is one of the most important. At my advanced age, I turn 49 in less than a month, I have learned, after many years of struggling to do so, that I need to give myself a break. I mean, for heaven's sake, if I don't do it, who will? You? We get enough negativity from others, it is only sadistic for us to heap additional negativity upon ourselves. We all have things we need to fix, or at least acknowledge and work to improve them. But those things in no way indicate that we are beyond saving.

Aging, like life, happens. Get over it. Give yourself a break. You aren't as ugly, stupid, mean, cynical, hard to deal with (whatever negative imprint you wish to enforce upon yourself) as you might think. Well, you might be, I suppose, but I doubt it. You aren't going to be everyone's cup of tea, granted. And, especially if you socialize on the internet (the topic of an upcoming blog entry), some folks might not be that shy of affirming that for you. But life is too damned short to add to the negative energy the universe (in this case gay society) foists upon us.

Am I always strong enough to follow this advice myself? No. Nobody is one hundred percent all the time, well, unless they are a megalomaniac. Trust me, after diving back into the dating pool, keeping up my confidence up can be a tough slog. But we each need to recognize this problem of negative reinforcement and build strategies for dealing with it. For me, I'll be honest, therapy and medications help. For you, it might be yoga, veganism, who knows?

Old dudes, you've gained a lot of maturity and experience over the years, leverage them and make them work in your favor. Young dudes, look to your elders, like This Daddy, and take a page from our book. Look, life sucks then ya die. Wouldn't you rather die with a smile on your face? I would. If I've learned anything over all these years, it is that I just don't have time for the negativity, I don't have space for it. Do you? Probably not. I wish I'd figured this out long ago. Old dudes, it is never too late to learn this lessen. Young dudes, it is never too early.

At least, that is what This Daddy thinks.