The Conversation Conundrum

So, just what is, "The Conversation Conundrum", well for the purposes of this entry, it is, "To respond to an IMs or emails from someone completely inappropriate(i.e. not someone you are trying to attract) or to not respond, when online."

If you've read my stuff before, you know that I primarily socialize in the online realm. You can read the myriad other posts I've written on the subject. I take great care to socialize on sites that cater to older/younger relationships and I try to write very clear and concise profiles. When I am on those sites, I also go out of my way to steer clear of guys for whom I would clearly not appear to be their type. If someone only wants to chat with other younger guys, or smooth guys, or muscle guys, etc., I don't bother them, as I am not any of those things. In fact, even when it is unclear, I tend to come down on the side of discretion. I don't want to be wasting some guy's time or my own. I mean, isn't the online arena designed for listing specifically who it is you seek, what you have to offer, and what type of interaction it is in which you wish to participate?

Anyway, as I've stated before, no matter what I say, how specific I am, how pointed is my nick, etc. I mostly receive IM's or emails from guys who couldn't be further from 'my type'. I don't understand why, but that is the case. I am deluged with IM's and emails from chubby, hairy guys, who look like they are in their 50's. Nothing wrong with guys like that, nothing at all. Just not the type of guy with whom I am looking to chat or with whom I seek a sexual or romantic connection. And let's face it. Isn't that what most of these online sites are for, hooking up, daring, romance?

I've tried different things at different times to try and counter this disconnect, to no avail. I've even talked to my friends and my therapist to seek their advise as to what it is I should do, to clarify who I am, what type of guy it is I seek, and to slow the deluge of the 'wrong' kind of guys. Sigh, nothing seems to work. Originally, it seemed like there were only two options:

1)Be rude and tell the inappropriate guys to bug off in some form or another; or,
2)Ignore the IM's and emails.

Both to me seem equally rude. Granted, not as rude as IMing or emailing someone who clearly isn't going to be interested, but still, rude. And you know me, as an officer and a gentleman, I try to avoid overtly ungentlemanly behavior. Believe it or not, I really do try. While trying to decide how to handle these unwanted IM's and emails, I came up with a third option: simply asking the question, "Have you read my profile?" I figured, it wasn't rude to ask such a question. It is short, to the point. It wastes neither my time nor theirs. It also seemed far less rude than simply ignoring people wishing to chat. I thought, 'hey, I'll ask, guys will take a moment to read my profile, if they haven't already done so, and get that we don't have complimentary interests and then move on to others with whom they do. I don't have to be rude, I am not wasting their time or my own, simple". Alas, not so much,.

Below is an example of a recent experience I had when I tried asking the question, 'Have you read my profile?' of someone whom IM'd me on SCRUFF. Alex is, according to his profile picture, is a 40-ish chub/bear. Other than saying he likes to play tennis, he doesn't say what it is he seeks in his profile. Me, on the other hand, posts a picture, provides a description and says in the section called, 'What I am looking for', "I am an opposites attract guy. A total top, I am older, short, hairy, an opposite is generally a younger, taller, non bear..."

Here is how the conversation went:

January 1, 2012, 1:48PM on SCRUFF, from Alex, "Hi."
January 1, 2012, 2:48PM on SCRUFF, from Commander, "Alex, did you read my profile?"
January 1, 2012, 4:49PM on SCRUFF, from Alex, "Yes."
January 1, 2012, 5:18PM on SCRUFF, from Alex, "What's wrong with saying hello to someone who has a few things in their profile that seem interesting? I'm a successful, happy- go- lucky, good person who doesn't need your any of your bullshit just for saying hello. If you don't want people to say hello to you unless they meet certain guidelines, then just block me or don't say hello back. Learn some etiquette and don't be so rude."

Whoa! First, he describes himself as, "happy-go-lucky". And second, he says, "If you don't want people to say hello to you unless they meet certain guidelines..." Thirdly he says, "Learn some etiquette and don't be so rude."

Okay, let's take these in order, shall we? First, based on his response, he is hardly, 'happy-go-lucky". Clearly, he doesn't know what that expression means. Second, I thought I said pretty specifically what type of guy it was with whom I sought to communicate in my profile. I mean, isn't that the whole point of answering the, "What I am looking for" question? And thirdly, again, whoa! He is the one that doesn't seem to get how online socializing works. It seems to me that the etiquette would be to not ping on someone who isn't seeking what you offer and that it is rude to then flame them when they politely point this out. To me nothing, and I repeat nothing is worse than wasting someone's time.

I've had similar experiences when I've simply tried either option 1 or 2. There is a guy from China. on GRINDr, for example, who IM's me every time he sees me online. Except to suggest that I am not a good option for chatting, I've mostly avoided responding to him, yet I've received over 46 IM's from since December 20, 2011. 46? I mean, doesn't he have better things to do than to IM me? On Silverdaddies, there is a guy who also IM's me every time he sees me online. He's been doing it for years. I've told him repeatedly, I am not interested in chatting, sometimes very rudely, and I have made it abundantly clear that I don't feel the need to explain why it is I don't find chubby, 60-ish guys who wear panties appealing. Still he IM's me every time he sees I am online, and he asks me that same question over and over again. I wonder if he drinks, or perhaps has a little bit of dementia?

So, it seems like I can't win. I don't like being rude, but the direct approach doesn't seem to work. and ignoring unwanted IM's and emails also doesn't seem to work. My third option, simply asking, "Did you read my profile", my attempt to politely point guys back to my profile, well, that doesn't work either.

Look, I get it. There are lots of lonely guys out there. Trust me, I get it big time. I still miss Sam, though he's been gone since August, and I've only been on two dates since he left, both total disasters. But what I don't get is guys who waste their time attempting to communicate with those not interested. I just don't. Rejection hurts. I mean, it hurts me, so I assume it hurts others. We also all get enough rejection handed to us on a daily basis. Why in the heck would we subject ourselves to even more rejection? It makes no sense whatsoever.

At least, that is what THIS DADDY thinks.




Jethro Tull- Conundrum (live), from the album Bursting Out