The Emotional Hornies

Back in the day when I taught, as a volunteer, dating at an agency devoted to reducing the transmission of HIV (ironic, isn't it...but you've heard that old expression, "those who can't do, teach") and providing support to those in the community dealing with HIV, one of the topics of the course was, 'skin hunger'. That is, the need, bordering on compulsion, to touch and be touched. This need often drives people to involve themselves in situations in which they might risk having unsafe sex, just to get 'touched'. Personally, when I feel an intense bout of the hornies, I refer to it as, "feeling like a cat on a hot tin roof."

Being recently (well, it has been since August, so I guess not so recently at this point) single, I have really been experience the 'emotional hornies.' Like any guy, I get the skin hunger, I mean, I may be old (49) but my parts still work and boy do they enjoy doing so. That said, having been in a loving, long-term relationship that was monogamous (well, essentially so) for an extended period, the thing I miss most is the emotional intimacy and connection. Don't get me wrong, the sex with Sam was great. He is a good kisser. I love the feel of the soft skin on his back. He has really nice feet (a priority for me) and an amazing ass. Of course, he was (another thing being a big priority for me) a total bottom who loved to call me 'daddy' during certain 'intimate' moments. All together, our sex life was quite wonderful.

For all the great sex, the key component most missing for me with the end of that relationship is the emotional stuff. I am very paternal. I enjoy nothing more than having someone about whom to care and worry. Sam would often accuse me of acting like a Jewish mother (the stereotype of one, I mean). If I didn't hear from him or if he was late, etc. (I am an early to be guy, he likes to stay out until all hours), I'd always fret. It wasn't that I was worried that he was cheating or that I was jealous or anything like that, it was that I was worried he was lying in a ditch somewhere, or had been in an accident (driving, not something at which Sam excels), or had been mugged or whatever nonsensical experience my mind would conger. As much as I loathe the idea that I have anything in common with my mother, or that we share any traits, I get this worrisome nature from her. I am 49 years old. I've been on my own since the age of 17 when I joined the Navy. I have traveled all over the world. I have lived, for extended periods, in foreign countries, yet, if I go away for a few days for either work or pleasure, if I don't call her first thing to let her know I've arrived safely, she has a hemorrhage. She thinks by being so worried, she is showing a form of love. I guess I do the same thing.

Although many people with whom I have a casual acquaintance would find it doubtful, I have an overwhelming need to 'love' and an abundance of love to give. Most people, especially those with whom I work, find me to be an unmitigated prick. I often hear how intimidating I am or that my tone or bluntness is off-putting. The reasons: I tolerate fools lightly; and, I have a really hard time not letting someone know I neither like them nor respect them. I hear all the time, "I didn't like you at first. And many, upon meeting you, would not believe that you are such a lovable and loving person, but if someone takes the trouble to look past your gruff exterior, they'd find you have a very big heart and a kind spirit."

When I am chatting, looking at profiles, or reviewing personal ads, I see comments such as, "I just want someone to love me" or "I just want to be worthy of being loved". Okay, I can appreciate wanting those things, but for me it is the 'doing' the loving that is more fulfilling, not the being loved. Trust me, not having been cared about as a child, I've sort of gotten used to not being loved. But, and I think this is directly proportional to that lack of love I received as a child, it is vital me to be 'loving' to others and to give that love to others. I think that is one reason why I am such a dog person. A former roommate used to tell me, "you love that stupid dog too much." So instead of, "I love you", I often tend, when talking to or about the dog, say, "I love you too much." or if I am mad at her I say, "I don't love you too much right now." My dog is a royal pain in the ass. She can make it very hard to love her. But, I do. And yes, truthfully, I love her too much. It is my way. It is, as they say, 'better to give and to receive.'

So, of all the things I miss about having been in a relationship and the think about which I worry most that I'll not experience is the opportunity to love someone again. I have a friend, for the purposes of this essay, we'll call him, 'Jack.' We couldn't be more different, yet this is one quality, having an abundance of love to give and preferring to give it over receiving love in return, we share in common. Like me, Jack has always dated younger guys. He is about, oh, 12 or 14 years older than I am, so he's been at it for a lot longer than I. After many years of being in a rather turbulent, though loving relationship, his partner died. When that happened, Jack decided that, at his age and with his preference for younger, masculine guys who like fishing and camping and such limiting his options, he would forgo dating. Oh, he still enjoys sex, or so he says, but it has just become more of an occasional 'transaction' than anything with the potential to become a loving relationship. Being such a loving man, though, he still needs an outlet for this abundance of love. His choice: at 60, he became a father. Okay, it isn't what you are thinking. He didn't impregnate some chick, or adopt a kid or anything that drastic. While traveling in the 3rd world, he met a younger man which whom he struck up a platonic friendship. Knowing or not, this young man seemed in search of a mentor, friend and father figure. Through happenstance, Jack became that for this young man. No sex, it was clear from the beginning that the younger man was straight and had no interest in Jack sexually or romantically. But it was also clear that he had a hole in his life when it came to having a father-figure or mentor or adviser, etc. Sitting on this overabundance of love, wanting to 'release it’; Jack made the decision to become that person for the younger man. At this point, Jack lives in the 3rd world country, is recognized as the 'patron' of the younger man's family. Jack treats the family, and they respond in kind, as if the elder male head of the family. They defer to him, seek his advice and support. And he gives these things, and love, to them in abundance. Perhaps a tad unorthodox, sure, but real, and according to Jack, quite fulfilling.

I am not there, boys and girls. I doubt I ever could be. First, I still believe that one deserves a healthy sex and romantic life, no matter at what age. Second, I loathe children (Jack's new family includes several young children, those of the younger man and his siblings). Third, that is not the kind of love I seek to give, at least not yet. Perhaps with time, though I doubt it. I am not close to my 'real' family, so it is very hard to imagine me becoming a surrogate parent, adopted or otherwise to others.

So, at the moment I am having a bad case of the emotional blue balls. Frustrating, just like the real thing, but there it is. Reasonable or not (for me), I'd still like to find a 'romantic' outlet for all of this love I have to share. It just isn't happening. Okay, I expect to receive a chorus of comments insisting that if I just changed to whom I was attracted, I'd have options all over the place. But, I can't. Like forming a surrogate family, entering into a passionless relationship, wouldn't fulfill the need I have. Sure, it might provide companionship and someone to care for me in my rapidly approaching twilight years, but it wouldn't be enough. To be honest, for companionship, I have the dog.

At least, that is what THIS DADDY thinks.



Elephant, from 9, the second studio album by Irish singer, songwriter and producer Damien Rice, released in 2006.