To Breed or Not to Breed, That is the Question.....

Or is it? Lately the practice of barebacking (or 'breeding' as it is often described in chat and in online postings) seems to be becoming more and more common. Not that this is news, of course, but, like many things, in the context of the 'daddy/boy' relationship, it has a different connotation or context. Like most guys of my generation, I learned that bb-ing was 'bad'. That it was too risky. As part of the whole 'risk reduction' experience, we were all supposed to use condoms every time, with everyone. We were only 'allowed' to bb in the context of a serious, long term, 'monogamous', relationship. In my experience, this practise was often given more lip service than anything else. Couples would date for a few short weeks, then suddenly declare themselves 'coupled' and begin bb-ing with abandon. As you can read in some of my previous posts, I don't believe couples should be so quick to declare 'monogamy', as too many people cannot live to this standard and therefore end up cheating. All you have to do is look at the Craigslist M4M personals to see how many 'happily partnered' guys are seeking extra curricular entertainment.

In my opinion (and remember blogging is all about sharing one's opinions), bb-ing is not something one should rush into or do casually. Have I always been perfect on this score, alas, no. Everybody has 'weak' moments, I'd be lying if I said I'd never had such a moment, one in which for one reason or another 'in the moment' putting on a condom didn't happen. Trust me, I understand the power, bordering on compulsion that makes you want to f*ck without a condom. I think, perhaps this is a topic for another blog entry, that, like straight guys, gay guys have the biological 'need' to spread their seed. We know logically that conception can't occur in the type of physical acts in which we participate, but that 'need to breed' still seems to be present. That said, shouldn't there be somethings that makes sex with your 'boy' special or different than with others? I think so.

When I am having a deep philosophical conversation on this topic (which I often do in online venues where older and younger guys come together), I often express that part of the whole 'daddy/boy' thing is about a depth of 'sharing' , that is in a way different than in other man-to-man relationships. I cannot be your 'daddy' and you cannot be my 'boy', unless we share the same DNA. Of course, that isn't possible, except through the 'unsafe' (as we used to say in my day) sharing of bodily fluids. A level of intimacy is achieved through this sharing, which makes the relationship seem special and unique. Most of the 'boys' with whom I chat seem to feel the same way. Or, at least they say so while chatting with me.

So, if so many people think along these lines, why is there so much bb-ing going on? I think, like any relationship, when we create this kind of bond, we are trying to fulfill some need deep within ourselves that we can't fill in any other way. If this need is so deep and so important, shouldn't it only be shared with someone special enough or important enough in your life to make it worth the risk? I think so.

Have I always been as safe as I could be, no. Have I been very lucky that I've not gotten nor shared any serious STD's, yes. Will I always be this lucky? I hope so but who knows? Still, I'd encourage all of you to give this idea some thought and see if perhaps, the next time you find yourself 'in the moment', you'll at least take a second and consider whether or not it is the right time and the right situation in which bb-ing is right for you.

Bear Community, Lesbian Community = Same, Same

If you don't accept their orthodoxy, you are ostracized.
Both are supposed to be about 'acceptance' of those who don't fit in.
Each battles against the standards of beauty (the lesbian community battles against the patriarchial standards of beauty, the bear community battles against the focus in on youth and beauty).
Both are closeminded, haters.

I Wish I Had Nothing Better to Do Than Waste My Time....

There are certain mysteries in life. Even at my advanced age, there are just some things I don't understand, nor do I ever expect to.

I chat online a lot. Too much, to be honest. But, as I've mentioned before, it is sort of the 'Seattle thing' to do so. We are a very polite, but extremely cold and shy lot up here in the Pacific Northwest. So, for many of us, being 'online' is a social venue which allows us to 'meet' folks and make friends, etc.

As I've mentioned before, I tend to visit sites which cater to younger/older interactions (DH and SD, for example). Since, by their nature, those sites tend to be more 'sexually' oriented than friendship oriented, I tend to use 'evocative' nicknames to make sure I attract the right 'types' of guys with whom I'd be interested in chatting. I am a top, so something along those lines is usually included. I am 'daddy' so something along those lines is also usually 'in the mix' when I am coming up with a snappy nickname to use. I am neither the smartest nor wittiest person online, so it can be hard sometimes to come up with something fun. Still, I think I've picked some good nicks along the way. I go for attention grabbing, without being crude.

Still, no matter what I do, the vast majority of guys who chat me up, tend to be older, fatter, hairier guys. Nothing wrong with that. I am happy to chat with almost anybody. But, often, and I just don't get why, the conversation almost immediately starts to 'veer' into the, 'I know I am older than you are, and I know you say you like younger, but....'. Or, "I am sorry that I am older, but....." What is up with that?

I know there are way more older guys that like younger guys than the opposite. I am intimately familiar with being an 'older' guy and the fact, therefore, that it means that I've essentially gone from being a 'hot guy' (yes, looking back at some old pictures as I was recently, I was pretty hot back in the day. I didn't think so, of course, but if I'd known then what I can see now......) to being a 'kink' or a 'fetish'. I've come to terms with it. It is, like it or not, sort of the way our society operates. Unlike others, we don't venerate age, we devalue it. As I often say, "I don't make the rules, I am just bound like the rest to play by them".

To me it seems rather self-destructive or masochistic to set yourself up for failure and disappointment by taking the time to chat up someone who is clearly, CLEARLY not going to be interested. If, that is, what you seek is some kind of connection other than just chatting. I don't know about you, dear readers, but I work two jobs, have a crazy dog, elderly parents, and own an nearly century old home. I've got better things to so than to waste time chatting up guys, when I am online, who I can tell from the outset won't be interested in chatting with me. Okay, my time would be better spent doing almost anything other than chatting online, but as I've said before, it is what we 'do' here. And it is my time to waste, not yours.

Don't be, 'sorry I am older', you can't help that fact, number one; and, number two, there isn't anything wrong with being older. Have a little self respect. There are lots and lots of younger guys who do like older guys. I am not one of them, so stop bothering me and wasting my time and go after the ones who do.

If I see a profile online which says a guy seeks, 'athletic'. Or if it says he seeks, 'under 30' or 'smooth' or 'taller' or 'cut', I am none of those things, so I don't bother sending him a message. And I certainly don't, if I am in a chatroom someplace, send him an IM and try to initiate a conversation. Why in the hell would I? All I am likely to do is piss him off and get ignored or brushed off. Isn't my time better spent chatting with the guys who say they seek, 'stocky, hairy, uncut", etc. (all things I am)? It sure seems like it to me.

Now I know I'll get comments and flames about how I must think I am special or something (I've commented on this before in previous posts, you can tell this is one of my soapbox issues, as I am repeating myself on this issue) . Don't waste your breath. I am not special. I don't think I am 'all that'. Heck, for the life of me I can't understand why anybody ever (or has ever) thought I was attractive. Lucky for me, there are guys out there who do, not many, granted but some. I don't know why, but boy am I glad. I know what I want and I am explicit about saying so. You do both of us a favor by paying attention to those facts.

Have a little respect for yourself. You, like anybody, deserve to be valued and appreciated. There is bound to be someone out there who thinks, for one reason or another, that you are hot. Not, and I repeat, NOT ME. Look for the guys might, not the ones who don't. Or, if you are going to go after guys who are plainly not going to be interested, grow a pair and expect to get pinged on and don't get pissed off or hurt when it happens.

Sigh, this stuff just makes me tired.

Since When is "Masculine" a Code Word for 'Fat'.

Have you ever noticed, not like this is a unique observation, that most online profiles are full of 'buzz words'? Words like, 'swimmer's build' or 'athletic'. The word I see most often on the profiles of bigger, older guys is, 'masculine'. Well, I hate to break it to you gentlemen, but fat does not equate to masculine. I don't subscribe to the idea that there is a 'standard' of masculinity. I do believe, that like youth, being 'masculine' is a quality that many people in this community admire, even if they don't always define it in common way. I understand, therefore, that people would 'lead' with a description like that. It is more than appropriate to put a 'positive' spin on how you describe yourself. I do it. I use 'stocky' or 'burly' or 'sturdy' to describe my 'robust' physique. But putting a positive spin on how you look or how you act is appropriate, lying or claiming a quality you don't possess isn't. For years I wanted to be 'tall and slender'. Well, tough noogie. I am short and stocky (5'8", 215 on my scale this morning). It finally dawned on me that lots of tall, slender, younger guys like 'opposite' guys. So I stopped regretting that I lacked those qualities. When meeting someone new (especially someone I've cultivated online), I'd much have them be 'pleasantly surprised' when they meet me than be hopelessly disappointed. If you are big, say so. Don't hide behind 'code' words. Do you really think that if you turn out to be some nelly guy like Christopher Lowell or you are what the bear community might call a, "polar bear", that because you said, 'masculine' in your profile someone meeting you for the first time will be convinced, despite not desiring someone with such characteristics? The beauty of our 'scene' is that there are always guys out there who desire someone like us. The group of those folks may be small. Heck, there are days when so few folks chat with me that I think being a chunky, older, hairy guy makes me some bizarre fetish (like breath control, or cross dressing). But, the fact is, there are quality boys, of the type I like, who do and will continue to find me appealing. I don't know why, I don't get the attraction to stocky, hairy, older guys at all. But, there are guys that do. And I think success is more likely when you are real and honest in your profiles.

What the H*ll is Wrong With Guys on the Internet?

You know, I use the internet a lot for both connecting and 'connecting', if you know what I mean. While I tend to visit the same cities over and over again (where I've established connections), sometimes I do visit new places. At the moment, I am at one of those new places. Not, I might add, a place I hope makes the list of places to which I will return.

Anyway, since I use the internet to meet people, I tend to use the same venues on which I chat to meet new people who live in the places to which I travel. I am starting to wonder why I bother. The flake quotient is extremely (and I do mean EXTREMELY high).

For example, one guy with whom I chatted wanted me to call him late, late at night before I arrived. When I explained that I am an old man, who was taught that you don't call before 10:00am or after 10:00pm, he got pissed off. When I arrived in this dismal place on business, I started work right away and worked for several days. After a few days, when I had the chance to check in via email, he got pissed off because I'd not contacted him immediately and that I didn't rearrange my entire work schedule to accommodate chatting or meeting him. Next there was a guy I chatted with, who when he IM'd me after I arrived, gave me grief because I'd left him 'hanging'. He'd somehow gotten the idea that we had specific plans to meet and was all upset that I'd led him on. Really? You chat with someone once, perhaps exchange a couple of emails, and you are engaged? That seemed to be his impression.

I just don't understand it. I know people are lonely and I know some people find dating and hooking up frustrating...but how can you leave someone 'hanging' to whom you've never even actually spoken? How can you expect someone to rearrange their entire schedule, especially when they are traveling on business, to make meeting you their highest and most important priority? I just don't get it.

Okay, like many travelers, I get bored spending so much time alone when I travel to a new place. Also, it is nice to make friends and have social experiences when traveling. While my horndog days are mostly behind me, still, it would have been nice to have the option of getting some 'attention' if the opportunity had presented itself and I'd been in the mood. So, really. You think it is safe to go to some stranger's hotel room? Really, you think someone is going to feel safe inviting you to their hotel room, when you've never even spoken? I would think in this day and time, caution would be a valued trait, not an unvalued one. I've been very lucky so far. The boys I've met during my travels have been generally nice, sexy, good boys who I was very lucky to meet and spend time together. I have boys I see in Honolulu, Hilo, San Diego and DC, some with whom I've been friends for 6 or more years at this point. Still, at some point, luck might turn against me. So, caution seems like a good idea. Don't you think?

Top = GOOD, Bottom = BAD, right?

Wrong. I've always been surprised by the lack of respect 'bottoms' get in our culture. I mean, if there weren't bottoms, what would tops do? To me, as a confirmed, total top, like a tennis player, my 'game' improves when I play against a more skilled 'opponent'.

So many guys seem to think that 'bottoming' is somehow 'less' than topping. I don't get it. You see many guys advertise as 'versatile', not because they are versatile, but because for so many in our culture identifying as a 'bottom' is looked down upon. I've never understood this attitude in our culture. Granted we all have our ideas about what a 'good' bottom is. I like submissive, eager to please bottoms ("yes, daddy, do me." "Do me like the b*tch I am." "What can I do to make you happy, daddy?) not bossy, 'power' bottoms who merely want me to be a meat dildo available for their pleasure ("Don't kiss me so hard". "Don't cum in my mouth". "Only f*ck me in X position").

To me, the whole 'top' and 'bottom' cycle is about sharing. Ideally it is about both top and bottom receiving enjoyment and pleasure for the sex act. It is kind of like a circle. The bottom chooses to let the top 'in charge'. It is therefore incumbent upon the top to value and appreciate that opportunity.

Back when I was younger and more ignorant, I used to always think that the top was 'in charge' or that it was incumbent upon him to do the 'chasing'. I was set straight in two separate conversation with two different bottoms at right about the same time. In essence they both made statements along the lines of, "The tops that I pursue......". When I questioned them (again, being young and ignorant, thinking that the top should do all the pursuing), both said (essentially), "look, it boils down to this. You guys like to think you are in charge, but if I don't feel like letting you inside, you aren't getting in there, now are you?"

In some ways, if you think about it, really the idea that the top is 'in charge' is kind of a myth. Sure, we like to think we are in charge. And sure, many bottoms derive much pleasure from being 'used' for someones pleasure, but really, think about it. In that moment, when the bottom is on his knees, sucking for all he is worth, and the top is 'in the zone' (his eyes glazing, his mind totally focused on shooting), who really has the power? When you are behind some hot bottom, his face down, his ass up, presenting that sweet, firm, round boipussy for you to use, and again, in those few seconds toward the 'conclusion' when you are rutting in top of him, like an animal, drooling, grunting, your mind almost blank from the powerful, prehistoric urge to 'breed'....who is really in charge? Who is really in control? It is his prostate that is getting massaged. It is him who has 'given' himself to you, opened himself up to you. You may want to think you are in control. He may want to think the same thing. But really?

I may want my boy to be the 'b*tch', at least in the bedroom (by 'b*tch, I mean, I want him to be a submissive, total bottom). I may want his focus to be on my pleasure, ideally deriving as much pleasure as I in the process. But, to be honest, I may call him 'boy' while f*cking him, but if I didn't really respect and value him, and appreciate the opportunity to mount him, I'd not really want to put my dick inside him.

What would all us confirmed, total tops do, without confirmed total bottoms? I don't know about you, but I'd be miserable. Perhaps you should think about that the next time you are tempted to (or you hear someone) bad mouth bottoms.

Remind Me, Just What is the Definition of Insanity?

The old saw says it is doing the same thing over and over again, and yet expecting a different result. This is something I see all the time online. I see the same faces, the same profiles, the same pictures over and over and over again on the various online venues I visit. Sure, like me, many of these guys use the Internet to be 'social'. They may be partnered or whatever. But many, MANY of these guys (both daddies and boys) are still looking for a 'someone special', however they might define it (boyfriend, partner, buddy, etc.).

I sometimes chat with these guys. And I always suggest that perhaps if what they are doing (the venues they visit, the pictures they use, the profiles they post, etc.) isn't getting them the results they seek, perhaps they should try something new. Nearly every time I suggest this, I get slammed, "how dare you suggest that I (insert my suggestion here: get a new pic, shave off the ugly facial hair that makes them look ten years older, change nicks to better reflect what they seek, and so on and so forth...) change". Well, for heaven's sake, if you aren't getting what you want, and you are doing the same things over and over again, perhaps it makes basic common sense to simply try something different.

We all get stuck in 'ruts'. But sometimes it is those ruts that are keeping us in place, rather than moving us forward. If you are a 'daddy', for example, who (online or in person) holds back, for fear of being thought of as a 'troll', then time to step up. If you are a young guy, whose had the same 'look' for the last ten years (either because you inside on wearing an ugly beard/goatee/moustache, or because you refuse to update your pictures), perhaps it is time to change. We are all so much more than our profile pictures. But, unfortunately, in our little social arena (the bar scene or the Internet) it is the 'look' that is most likely going to catch someones eye first.

We all make a lot of assumptions about the way others think and feel. And many of us have very fragile self-images, so once we've got ourselves 'set' on one, it is hard to change. But, sometimes just a small change is the momentum one needs to foment positive change. A lot of older guys, for example, fear being thought of as 'trollish' if they hit on younger guys. Yet, in the 'daddy/boy' culture, since the 'daddy' is supposed to be dominant, the 'boys' expect the daddy to make the first move. So, what does this cause? Well, nobody moves anywhere. I always tell lonely boys that the 'secret' to meeting daddies, is being willing to take a risk. What have you got to lose? There are way more older daddies looking for 'boys' than vice versa. A well-timed smile, or 'hey' while standing at a bar, might be just the opening needed to start a conversation which otherwise might not ever get a chance.

It is Completely Appropriate to Date a Circuit Boy Young Enough to be Your Son. Isn't it?

No. Not really. Upon reviewing my posts, the 'grumpiness' seemed mostly focused at the younger guys. So, I thought it appropriate to write a grumpy post about older guys, just to show a little fairness.

Okay, older guys, really? You really, honestly think you are going to find the 'perfect' boy? You truly think you can have a serious, long-term relationship, with a 20 year old circuit boy/skater boy/Marine/firefighter (whatever your fantasy might be), who possesses the body of death, thinks chunky, hairy, wrinkled old guys are hot, AND, who also happens to make enough money so that you can share a life together not requiring you to support him (or make a serious reduction in your quality of life)? Please. Talk about self-delusion.

Just like the younger guys seem to think if they haven't found 'the one' by age 25, they are doomed, too many older guys spend their entire lives in search of the 'perfect' boy. He, of course, must be very mature for his age, yet act like a total 'boy' (or girl, for some of you folks that like that sort of thing...not my taste, but I try not to be critical) when required. He MUST be in his 20's, because lord knows, a 'boy' over 30 is no boy. He must find older guys totally hot. He must be willing to do whatever 'daddy' wants (top/bottom, everything in between), and not have any 'demands'. He must not expect to get supported, but be okay with a little 'spoiling'. He must be perfectly comfortable with the idea that as soon as it turns out his firm, tight, hot little ass starts to sag (despite, of course, the fact that he is supposed to think your flabby, saggy, ugly ass is the hottest thing going), you'll start looking for fresher meat. He is essentially supposed to be both perfect and static (always look young and hot, etc.).

Do any of you older guys have any idea how crazy and unhealthy this thinking is? Look, I am the last one to tell you that you can or should 'force' yourself to be attracted to someone you aren't. That isn't my point at all. But, aren't you damning yourself to a life of disappointment? There are lots and lots of single, younger guys, who against all odds, think older guys are hot. They just all don't look like Ryan Phillipe. They are crawling all over the Internet. All you have to do is look on DH, SD, etc. and see profile after profile of younger guys looking for older. Sure, some are fake, some are flakes, some have more issues than almost anybody could deal with, but still. Why is it so many worthy older guys, pass by equally worthy younger guys....both ending up alone on a Saturday night. I know why: unrealistic expectations. How many of you 'older' guys, would NEVER have gone on a date with a guy over 30....when you were in your 20's? Almost all of you, I'll bet. It is the height of arrogance, therefore, for you to expect the younger guys you fancy to do it when you wouldn't have.

Sure, in a perfect world, hot young guys would throw themselves at us old farts. They'd be forever young and beautiful, and always ready to get down and get 'funky' with their favorite daddy. But, this isn't a perfect world. Maybe it is time to start considering a 'boy' over 30 (or heaven forbid, even over 40). Maybe it is time to at least try to see if 'chemistry' works with guys a little outside your normal 'comfort zone'. Maybe you should think about hitting the gym now and again. Or, maybe cutting your nails, or brushing your teeth.

Again, I am not in any way suggesting that anybody 'force' themselves to be attracted to someone they can't be. The sexiest boy I've ever met ( and I do mean the sexiest, full stop, bar none, the sex is the best I've ever had in 25 or 26 years of being out), has a gut, a hairy ass, and is a conspiracy theorist and tends to be just a tad paranoid. My type, not as I usually define it (well, he didn't always have the gut, that came later...but still), but the chemistry is undeniable. The sex was amazing (we were long-term 'buddies', he lives on the other side of the country, in a state to which I often travel on business. We didn't date, it wasn't that type of relationship, we both knew it), and, he happened to be a very, very nice young man with whom I greatly enjoyed spending time.

I am often flamed for having such narrow 'tastes'. Yet, by being a little 'flexible', I was blessed to have such a great experience, with such a quality younger man. Maybe some of you other old guys should try being a little more flexible too? What have you got to lose?

Monogamy, What's That About?

Okay, so, I am one of those guys who thinks monogamy is a good thing. I think it is an important 'goal' for a serious relationship. That said, I think it is more likely to be an important (ideally long) 'stage' in a relationship, rather that a permanent 'state' of one. I've known too many guys to cheat. I've seen too many relationships fail because someone cheated. I've seen too many relationship die prematurely because the couples declared themselves monogamous after 3 weeks. Come on, are you really even a couple after 3 weeks? In my opinion, gay guys are 'bad' at relationships because we come so 'late' to them. While our straight peers are having their crushes and their flirtations and doing their 'dating' in their teens, many of us don't get to experience that. At least, not really. So, many of us tend to confuse passion and or sex for 'love'. I am the first one to say that passion must exist (or have existed at some point) for a relationship to be a romantic one rather than a friendship. That said, just because you lust after someone, doesn't mean you can or will be able to 'love' them. Does lust last? No. Do the embers of passion last? No. Relationships change over time. Having gone through this myself, I can tell you I'd much rather have you say, "Look, I love you, we have/had a great sex life, but there is just something I am not getting that I need to get. Is it okay that we come up for a plan to make that happen?", than to find out you've been cruising the internet, picking up guys and taking them home to f*ck in our bed (which is what my ex did, giving me crabs in the bargain) when I am out of town on business. I think the standard of monogamy is too tough for most guys to manage. Too many relationships place too much emphasis on monogamy and then if someone 'slips', the relationship comes apart. To me, as hard as such a discussion might be, it is better to talk about this stuff, then to 'cheat'. I think it should take a couple a while to 'date' before they make any decisions about monogamy and I think they should talk about it along the way.