[Note:
This is the second in a series of five articles originally published in
the Official Folsom Fair Program for the annual San Francisco Folsom
Street Fair. I have had the privilege to write for the Program for
several years and I would like to thank my publishers and the Folsom
Street Fair Board for allowing me to share them with you. This was
published in the 2002 Program.]
At
its most basic, a leather or SM relationship is a celebration of
inequality. It is an exchange of power between a senior or dominant
partner and a junior or submissive partner. These can take on any number
of different characteristics, customizations and option packages, from
Sadist/masochist, Master/slave, Dom/sub or Trainer/puppy. Just the
Daddy/boy option alone can take endless forms in until the different
definitions and manifestations are nearly as numerous and varied as the
people who participate in them. Everybody has their own opinion.
In
addition to personal relationships, there are social, political and
cultural identities of "Daddy"- roles not unlike teacher, coach,
activities director or tribal elder within the community. These people
may or may not identify as a Daddy with partners, but they are relied on
and looked to by the community as "Daddy". This year celebrates the
20th San Francisco Leather Daddy and Leather Daddy's Boy titles, the
first such contests in the world to celebrate and recognize this
dynamic. Since 1983, the community has looked to the San Francisco
Leather Daddies for mature counsel and fundraising leadership and the
titleholders have included attorneys, bankers, writers, artists,
community business owners and club officers.
Many
attempt to explain the popularity of Daddy/boy relationships in terms
of what frequently happened to biological families when a son or
daughter came out. Years ago, the first casualty of that process of
self-discovery was any close relationship with one's family, followed
quickly by the desertion of church and friends. "Leather families"
replaced the shattered familial bonds and "chosen families" provided
support when parents, church and friends had turned their backs.
The
Daddy/boy structure addresses the very human need for place and
belonging, along with a sense of dynastic tradition, heritage,
inheritance and the passing along of something from generation to
generation. The increasing mainstream acceptance of gay sons and
daughters may make that less critical in the early 21st century, yet
leather families continue to be popular, as an antidote to the isolation
of urban life in particular.
Nothing,
however, is less understood and more volatile to those who wish to
discredit us. Masters and slaves fairly well speak for themselves but
rabid right-wing alarmists have a field day with the incestuous and
pedophiliac innuendo of "daddies" and "boys". This narrow and
one-dimensional definition is as incorrect as those within the community
who claim to have the one and only correct set of rules for what is
orthodox daddyism and boyishness. Like any other relationship, the
"correctness" or "rightness" of a Daddy/boy union must past this simple
test: Does it work for those involved?
Daddies
who are substantially younger than their boys, boys who are tops, boys
who bring superior wealth, social status or experience to the table,
Daddies who bottom, boys who are girls, Daddies who are mothers- there
has been all manner of variation on the theme. Not all are SM or even
leather relationships; some are not permanent roles but change with mood
and season. The successful ones seem to take what works from one model
and discard what doesn't.
Different Recipes
Like
variations on favorite family recipes, the exchange of these different
ideas can provide a rich and healthy menu of alternate methods, means
and ingredients. Mix and match, season to taste and bon appetit:
________________________________________
"I
have been a self-identified Daddy for a little over two years, but in
retrospect, I have been a Daddy for far longer. I actually had a few
issues with the term regarding what it meant to be a female Daddy and
incest/abuse by biological or by marriage 'daddies.' My grandfather, who
was the most father-like figure in my life, did some inappropriate
touching when I was a young teenager; thus, my perception of 'Daddy' was
colored by my own personal history and many of the women I know.
'Daddy' was not someone that could always be trusted.
Having
been to most every Dyke Daddy contest, I was exposed to other women who
considered themselves to be a Daddy. Plus, several books and magazine
articles have come out in the last few years that have female Daddies in
the stories. In addition, the Exiles have had programs on what it means
to be a 'Daddy,' so the concept of being a female Daddy became more
real, more of a possibility. Taking on the term/persona of Daddy may
also be an outgrowth of being a butch. Since I am a butch, the female
counterpart-- a Mommie (or Mom or Mother)-- does not jive with my
outward appearance or how I feel inside. Daddy is much more in alignment
with my butch and Top persona.
I
did not grow up in a household with a 'Daddy.' When I came out I did
not get taken under the wing of a 'Daddy' so I have had to create my own
idea- one that is unique to me. One woman I know thinks of "Tom of
Finland" as being the penultimate Daddy. That is not someone who I
identify with. My 'Daddy' has elements of the 'Daddy' I fantasized about
having when I was a child for example. A 'Daddy' that is strong
(physically and emotionally), kind, a rock, self-assured, in control,
firm and supportive.
There
are probably elements of all the cultural dads I have seen on TV and in
the movies, but with some added kinks. I am a sexual Daddy. I am still
learning how to play as Daddy and be a Daddy and I hope to continue for a
long time-it allows me to grow and keeps it interesting. One
interesting venue about learning to be Daddy that I have recently
started to explore is through the men's community. To me, the most
essential component to being a 'Daddy' is feeling like you are one. As
Daddy, I can be nurturing, evil, sadistic, a disciplinarian, indulgent,
funny, goofy, and a bit old fashioned."
Vick Germany, San Francisco (SF Leather Dyke Daddy 2001)
________________________________________
"While
every opinion is going to be different- those definitions should be
determined by the Daddy and boy together. That is the key word:
Together. A Daddy is the natural counterpart or balance to a boy. So,
therefore, the best example of what a Daddy is, to this collared boy, is
to express my opinion of what a boy is- and what I strive to always be.
The motto that I go by is this: A son serves with his heart; a slave
serves with his body; and, a boy serves with both."
Dan McPherson, San Francisco
________________________________________
"Some
of the attractions of the Daddy-boy relationship are pretty obvious.
There is the warmly familiar language, in terms of the words used and
the psychosocial postures and non-verbal communications. There is the
fact that 'straighter' friends, who are puzzled or worried by
Master-slave situations can actually learn to accept, even embrace a
Daddy-boy relationship. And, perhaps most importantly, there is the fact
that a Daddy-boy relationship can be built to exact, personal
specifications that include an almost endless variety of options.
If
you want a relationship where the Top is dominant not only 'by
definition', but also because of his strengths and the admiration the
bottom has for him; where there is respect flowing both ways within the
relationship; where only one party admits to learning and both parties
are accepting growth and change; where the bottom is expected to have a
will and to know when to express it and when to relinquish it, a
Daddy-and-boy relationship is probably just what you want. And there is
one more thing that is very usual in Daddy-boy relationships and fairly
uncommon in all other leathersex situations: Daddies and their boys are
almost always allowed by the parameters of their partnership to
affectionately express genuine love for one another."
Joseph Bean, Maui (author of Leathersex)
________________________________________
"Guys
at the bar I work at part-time and on my rugby team started calling me
'daddy'. I was flattered to be called that as I never considered myself
one before. I guess I just look like what they think a daddy looks like.
Daddy
to me means someone who is masculine and mature. Someone I could go to
reliably to ask for help or to answer. I can also be daddy in the hetero
sense of the word, being a father to two grown boys. Dictionary-wise, I
assume it would have something to do with gender, but in reality there
are all types of daddies, male and female. I don't have in a Daddy/boy
relationship with my partner. We treat each others as equals. We might
daddy each other sexually at times, though."
"Jim", Seattle
________________________________________
"I
first identified as a boy in 1989 when I was 34. I believe a daddy
should be more of a mentor than anything else, but to me, I don't relate
to this moniker in the feminine (or any other) gender other than male. I
enjoy the fraternal aspects and the camaraderie that comes from knowing
my Daddy friends."
David Meyers, San Francisco (SF Leather Daddy's Boy XV)
________________________________________
"I
think I have been identified as a Daddy from my mid-thirties. I got a
lot of life experience from being on my own from my early twenties. I
got a lot more experience from taking care of my partners ill from AIDS.
I got a lot more experience working on community boards, then I was
serious Daddy material. My role model, Alan Selby, came up to me and
said it was time I take on some of the Daddy responsibility (in the
community). I used him as an example and never stopped.
A
Daddy is: A role model to boys and Dads, a community leader, a mentor
to a boy and other Dads and a man who is willing help individuals and
the community."
Steve Gaynes, San Francisco (SF Leather Daddy XII)
________________________________________
"
I discovered a daddy-like attitude in me towards many people in my
life. From biological family members to friends and sexual partners. But
I'm for now at least, not at all willing to take on a role as daddy
within the leather community and what, as I perceive, many people think a
Leather Daddy is. I simply don't like nametags. They have the tendency
to fixate people to be a certain way, whereas most people will have a
hard time to fit the bill.
Having
said all that, I think anything is possible in the partnership between a
daddy and his boy. The Daddy being the submissive, the boy having a
higher social status- whatever the people involved feel comfortable
with. It might even be a great mental turn on to play around with and
twist the automatic interpretation people have with words like daddy,
boy, boss, rookie or even master and slave. Anything goes in the mind of
men, so why clip its wings!"
Borisz Mos, Rotterdam (Mr. Leather Holland 2002)
________________________________________
"I
guess I was first identified as a Daddy when after I won my title as
American Leatherman 2000. It came with a ready-made family. The American
Leatherboy immediately referred to me as 'Daddy', out of respect, to
the hierarchy of the title, and I have to admit that at first I was
uncomfortable with the designation. But then I began to explore what I
thought a Daddy was, and found that the shoe actually fit, and nicely.
My thoughts revolve around someone that can be trusted to have the
knowledge of a community, and to be willing to share that knowledge with
others. It doesn't have to be gender specific, because it is more of a
state of mind and being, a sense of knowing what, may be the best
directions to go. Being willing to stand up for the rights of others as
well as yourself. It's a willingness to teach and nurture, mentor, and
help in the development of a community, because a Daddy has already seen
some of the pitfalls along the way. A Daddy has realized that someone
has to pass down the information, someone has to share what has taken
years to develop."
Dean Ogren, Chicago (American Leatherman 2000)
________________________________________
"For
my boys, bois, puppies and slaves...I AM A DADDY. Someone that I wish I
had when I was younger. A man who talks to his men/women and guides
them through many of the life events that I have already dealt with and
came through. Who loves to play, spank and bite, and pushes for the
endorphins and love and adventure.
As
a gay man I will not have biological children, so I can create a family
of my own choosing. Being a Daddy has its respect implications and
responsibility for my family. It is not so much what I can do for
myself, but to be a bridgebuilder for those that will follow after me.
It warms my heart when someone calls me Daddy and I know it is out of
love. "
"Daddy Don" Aspach, Los Angeles, (Mr. LA Leather 2002)
________________________________________
"It
is very rewarding to see the positive effects of what I do. I think
that my leadership and organizational skills are the most important
things that I have to offer. Nurturing and guiding people are essential
to me. I believe in equal rights. The rights for anyone in society to be
put in a better space."
Phillip Turner, San Francisco (SF Leather Daddy XI and late owner of Daddy's Bar)
________________________________________
"I
considered myself a boy when I first came out in leather, almost 12
years ago. I was 21 and fresh from the twinkie bars, but when I learned
about leather, daddies, boys and slaves, I knew I was a boy and
sometimes slave. I've been a boy to two very special men, whom I love
and care about very much.
A
daddy is a person who is strong, dominant, caring, stable,
knowledgeable, intelligent, stern, loving, will do what's best for their
boy even if it's not what is best for the daddy. A person who is ready
to take on the responsibility of having a boy in their life. Also, it is
a title that is earned. I don't believe that you can just declare
yourself Daddy anymore than someone can declare themselves a boy. I
don't think it has anything to do with gender. He should be someone who
can mentor, love, and help direct a boy's life. I think that a
Daddy-type should be respected as a mentor, a very important person
someone to look to for advice, love, respect. Like the saying goes
anyone can be a father but it takes a special person to be a Daddy."
Joe Coloff, Michigan
________________________________________
Self-proclaimed
or trained, tested and graduated? Are you only a Daddy when someone
else calls you "Daddy" or is it an epiphany of self-realization? Tribal
elder? A master with a velvet touch or some sort of überpartner? Tom of
Finland or Ward Cleaver? Male, female or sexless?
Perhaps
it is not so much knowing the magic formula, but to learn about as many
different formulas and variations as possible and being willing to keep
trying all of them until magic is achieved. And perhaps the enduring
strength of the leather Daddy concept, like leather itself, is its
ultimate indefinability.
________________________________________
The Folsom Series:
•
A Tale of Two Histories
•What Is A Daddy?
•Hell of a Run: Leather Publishing and San Francisco
•A Tribute to Alan Selby
•Behind Folsom Street
Print Topic