Myth. A website I frequent, and the one on which I met the boy I love (well, I am not supposed to love him any more since he moved away and we broke up, but still...), has a regular feature call, 'The Daily Daddy'. The website is called, "Daddyhunt" (www.daddyhunt.com). It is a site devoted to the acceptance and encouragement of intergenerational dating.
I've got to say, I am disappointment with Daddyhunt (DH) at the moment.What is it with, 'Daily Daddies'?I thought DH’s mission was (as stated in their ‘About Daddyhunt’ FAQ), “to celebrate older gay men and to create a healthy alternative to meat-market websites.”And “The men on Daddyhunt differ in age, races, body type and nationality but they all share one thing: mutual respect, acceptance and tolerance.”Yet, the images presented in the ‘Daily Daddy’ tend to be tall, slender and smooth, or at least groomed to within an inch of their lives.Or if they vary from that mold, they are buff bearish guys, with toned, albeit thick bodies. like something out of a Tom of Finland comic.Also, almost to a one they are:white.Isn’t this enforcing skewed stereotype, of how a Daddy should look?We should be white, manscapted, and movie star handsome? Isn’t this just the other side of the coin of those images found in the media which tell younger gay guys how they should look? You hunters are all supposed to look like A & F models, and we Daddies are all supposed to look like Harrison Ford.Thomas Jane at 42; ’; Michael Fassbender, at 34; Jason Issacs at 47; the guys are ‘Daddies, really? These guys represent to what look I should aspire, really? How is this 'celebrating' older men?
One of the advantages of being ‘older’ is that, ideally, we’ve learned to value the gray hair and the wrinkles we’ve earned as they reflect the interesting and varied experiences we’ve had in our long lives. At our age we’ve become comfortable in our skins, haven’t we?If the images on a website devoted to ‘glorifying’ the attractiveness of older guys only presents images of older men that are unrealistic for the vast majority of ‘Daddies’ to achieve, doesn’t that set a standard which is impossible for ‘real’ daddies to meet? Isn’t that undermining the website’s goal?Daddies are, in general, older.Older guys, Daddies or not, tend towards baldness.We have thickening waists, flabby asses, flat feet, and hair in (what society dictates as ‘inappropriate’ places. What is wrong with that?
As hard as it might be for some of our non daddy-loving contemporaries to believe, we all age at some point.And, just as hard as it might be for them to believe, there are guys who find ‘real-looking’ Daddies sexy. Perhaps not many, sure. Am I saying we all shouldn’t try to look our best?No.Am I suggesting the people ‘change’ to what type of guy they should be attracted?No.But I am saying that when ‘Daddies’ start being expected to look too much the way hunter’s aspire to look, that sets an unreasonable standard and marginalizes too many older guys. It set’s unrealistic expectations, and sets everybody, Daddy or Hunter disappointed.I mean, how many 28 year old guys have a body like that of Daniel Craig, or Thomas Jane?Not that many, right?So how realistic is it that a 48 year old is going to look like that? Not very. How is that supporting the idea that older can be sexy? It isn't.
This is a quote from a (formerly) famous shock jock named, Tom Leykis. Mister Leykis hosted a talk show syndicated on CBS radio from 1994 through 2009 called, "The Tom Leykis Show." As stated on Wikipedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_Leykis), "The show's best-known feature was "Leykis 101," in which he purported to teach men "how to get laid" while expending the least amount of time, money, and effort. This part of his persona led some critics to charge Leykis with misogyny."
Mr. Leykis, known for his strong opinions on women, often received calls from virulently homophobic callers. Mr. Leykis' response to these calls was to insist that straight guys shouldn't be so negative about gay guys because, essentially, guys are guys and therefore straight guys have more in common with gay guys than some straight guys might think. As the title of this post suggests, he'd say, "What do straight guys want? Tail. What do gay guys want? Tail."
I was thinking about Mr. Leykis' comments today, in preparation for posting a personal ad in which I seek to make social connections (i.e. go on some dates) with a nice younger guy or two. Granted, I am not sure I am that ready to date. I still miss my (former) young man terribly and wish he'd come home or figure out some way for us to have a long distance relationship. I know these things won't happen, but still.
I don't get the animosity that 'older' guys get when they express either an interest in or an attraction to younger guys. Don't get me wrong, I know there are trolls out there, who prey on younger guys. I get it, I do. And boy does it bother me when guys do that. But, as Mr. Leykis explains, a gay guy is a guy, just like any other. The 'tail' they chase may be different, but the act of chasing such is the same, gay or straight. Straight guys lust after younger women, gay guys lust after younger guys. It seems perfectly natural.
As a Navy officer, I often travel with a bunch of other guys my age. Because of the kind of work I do, these guys are often aviators. I have spent many an hour sitting in, "Duke's" on Waikiki with a bunch of paunchy, middle-aged dudes flirting with the waitresses young enough to be their daughters. Is it a tad gross, yes. Is it the nature of the world, yes.
I think too many older guys, gay or straight, overdo it. But then, I also think too many younger guys are overly sensitive about being lusted after by someone older. Older dudes lusting after younger dudes (or chicks in the case of straight guys) is completely natural. I also believe that too many people confuse having an attraction to someone, with having the expectation for sex or romance with someone. This confusion is, for the most part, unwarranted.
I am attracted to younger guys. Not all younger guys, of course. Just because a guy is younger, doesn't mean I am automatically going to want to jump his bones. But, my 'type' does tend toward guys with a certain range of 'looks' which are traditionally found in younger men (narrow waists, firm round asses, smooth(ish) chests, nice feet, etc). So, when I see a boy like that, on line or in real life, I look. Does that mean I expect him to immediately desire to spread his legs for me? No. Does the fact that I have such lust in my heart for him mean I have the right to put the moves on him? No. It merely means I am 'appreciating' him.
I admit, for myself, I err on the side of not expressing this 'appreciation' unless I have some indication that my appreciation is welcomed. Online, for example, unless there is something clearly stated in a fellow's profile that he likes older guys, or beefy guys, or hairy guys (all of which I am) or I see that he has reviewed my profile, indicating potential interest, I look but I don't 'touch' (i.e. I don't send Im's, emails, etc.) Other guys don't err in this direction. I also admit, as I've written about in the past, that I don't see the point in looking at guys or pinging on guys for whom I am clearly not of interest. But that has more to do with not wanting to waste my time, or have someone else waste it. Everybody likes to look a fine fellow now and again, don't they? When you put yourself in a public venue, like online, and you post pictures of yourself, people are going to look. It is for what such venues exist. Get used to it.
It has happened again, I've turned another year older. Yes, boys and girls, today is my 49th birthday. Last year, if you remember, I wrote, about how much I was learning to enjoy aging, how happy I was, yada, yada, yada. This year, not so much.
Oh, I still like my graying hair. I continue to appreciate things in ways in which I wasn't capable, when I was younger. And, as almost anybody who knows me can tell you, I am altogether a better man.
My life at the moment, though, not so much. Most people struggle with the, 'ought' years, 30, 40, 50. I tend to struggle with the '9' years. This is shaping up to be a 9 year in a big, big way.
Last year, I had someone I loved and who loved me. This year, that person is off to grad school on the East Coast, starting a new life, without me. I miss him terribly. Last year, I was in fine health, this year I am diabetic and have chronic neck pain from an accident. Funny, I was just starting to do a better job of eating a proper diet (how many of you practice Meatless Monday's?) and starting to exercise regularly. Last year I had a job I loved, though working for a boss I hated. This year, I like my boss, but my position has changed, my duties downgraded, and my FTE cut to 60%. I was counting down the years until I could retire, now I worry I'll be unemployed.
We all go through periods during which we struggle. This sure is turning out to be a period of struggle for me. I don't know whether going through all of this stuff is harder because I am older (as is having the measles, which is gets harder the older one gets), but when I am really overwhelmed by all of the craziness going on right now, it sure seems like being a older dude doesn't help.
I have the experience to know, 'this too shall pass', so that is good. I also have a house I love (though it is old and falling apart) and a crazy dog I love, but to be honest, I am not sure I've ever felt this lost before. Maybe I am just getting forgetful in my 'old age' and don't remember experiencing periods like this so intensely in the past. I mean, for heaven's sake...the current stuff with which I am dealing is really trying my Zen-like calm and my innate perkiness (inside joke).
Life is, as we all know, all about transitions, some good, some not so good. There really isn't that much we can do about it. Understanding this is a lesson we can all do a better job of learning, I know I sure could. I'm working on it but man, is it tough right now.
For those of you who are either too young, or too old, to get the reference, to quote Wikipedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I%27m_Too_Sexy),"I'm Too Sexy" is a song by English trio Right Said Fred from their album Up. The single topped the American charts for three weeks in early 1992, after having peaked at number two in Britain less than six months earlier." Trust me, you had to be there. It is one of the novelty song that seem to catch on, despite being so insipid as to make the casual listener swoon.
Anyway, back in the day, when I was a young buck, older friends assured me that one's (sex) life ended neither at 30, nor at 40, nor even at 50 and beyond. Like the callow, young gay fellow I was, I didn't believe them. I'll bet some of you don't believe them either. Well, buckaroos, they were right, I was wrong. And so are you.
Who'd have thought that at my ever advancing age (I am soon to be 49), I'd be made to feel like 'sex object'? Not me, that is for sure. As I've stated before, I am not my type and any sex appeal I might have has always alluded me. Yet, the proof is, as they say, 'in the pudding'. First piece of 'evidence', the handsome, younger man with whom I shared the last two and a half years, before he moved Back East for graduate school. He still, so he says, finds me as sexy as he did upon our first meeting, back in December, 2008. Second, there is the barrage of emails I've received from old 'fuck buddies' who, knowing I am once again, 'back on the market', are lining up to spend quality naked time with me. Third, there are the myriad 'hits' that I get when I log onto various gay dating phone apps (Grindr, Growlr, Scruff) on my Evo. Okay tops are, so I am told, always in short supply. So, having always been a total top, that gives me a little bit of an advantage. But still, what accounts for my current 'popularity'? To be honest, I don't have a clue.
Gay culture would have us all believe that if one isn't under 30 or one doesn't look like a male model, one isn't allowed to have a sex life, and certainly not with anybody even vaguely attractive. At this age, apparently, we are supposed to sit at home, pet the cat, and watch old episodes of, "Sex and the City." Sorry, that isn't for me, and I assume most of you would hope that fate isn't for you either.
It is ironic too that being offered so much casual sex, I am not really all that interested. You may not believe it but I turn down more opportunities than you can possibly imagine. Oh, don't get me wrong, I love sex. I always have, and I hopefully always will. But, at my age, the whole 'hook up' culture has lost much of its appeal. Sure, there are guys with whom I've been 'buddies' in the past, who if they call me up or email me (as some have been doing), I'll jump at the opportunity (hint, hint, you KNOW who you are) for us to do the hokey pokey again. But finding 'new' buddies, or just doing random hook ups, not so much.
Maybe I am spoiled. After being in a solid, high quality relationship, perhaps my standards have risen, or perhaps my needs have just changed. My last relationship was an open relationship (supposedly) but both of us rarely exercised the option. True, it happened a bit at the very beginning, we weren't supposed to be serious about each other, after all. But as time progressed, even though the option remained available, there didn't seem to be much need. By the time our relationship ended, I'd only been with one other guy in well over a year and a half, the one guy being one of those special few about which I wrote above, on whom I'll always jump if and when given the opportunity (again, hint, hint, you KNOW who you are). He hadn't been with anybody else in nearly 2 years. I guess you could say, we were both getting more than enough at home, so that we didn't see the need to stray.
Perhaps my attitude will change as time passes. I get lonely like anybody else. It has, of course, only been a few weeks since my young man moved away. But, I am not so sure. Okay, part of it is pure nervousness. I just don't feel that comfortable having strange guys I've never seen before show up at the little house by the big lake. The same is true when I travel. Back in the day I wouldn't have thought twice about going to someone's hotel room, or having them come to mine. These days, not so much. Part of it too has do with the prevalence of HIV and STD's. I've managed to stay HIV negative and essentially STD free (I have gotten 'critters' a time or two and once, several years ago, got something that back in the day required a shot in the heiny, but other than those, which happened long ago, nada) for over a 1/4 of a century. Why push my luck?
As I age, I find that sex just happens to be better with someone you know and about whom you care. Or at least with someone you like. I am not saying you have to be 'in love' with someone to have sex with them, I am a guy, after all; and, while it is no longer true, I was quite the horn dog. But I am saying that the comfort and ease that comes from with being intimate with someone you love, or have been with before and like, is far more enjoyable than the pleasure derived from the excitement of a hook up or meeting some hot guy in a bar and taking him home. Be honest, how often have you done this and been disappointed? How many times have you hooked up with someone only to find he smells, or is bad in bed, or has ugly feet, or whatever else turns you off? Unless you are just starting out, I'll bet that sort of thing has happened way more than you like to admit.
Am I telling you how to act, no. That isn't my 'job'. I am just some old dude that likes to write and gets a kick out of it if someone reads my stuff occasionally. If the hook up thing is your bag, more power to you. I am always very sex positive. I believe you should do whatever you like, with whomever you like, unless it involves children, animals, or someone unwilling. I am saying, though, for me, it is different being single this time. I am more anxious to enjoy quality sex, than quantity of sex.
As you, my regular readers may know, I am newly single after a rather wonderful relationship with a much younger man named Sam. I turn 49 in a few weeks, he turned 27 last Spring. This relationship was, without a doubt, the most loving, enjoyable, and healthiest relationship I've ever experienced. Now that it is over, sadly, I am back in the social/dating scene, this after 2.5 years away from it. Well, unfortunately, unlike wine, things have not gotten better with age. Oh, don't get me wrong, the boys are still hot, and there are still lots and lots of them who want to spread their legs for me, but the dating experience still sucks ass (and not in the good way).
I have never been the most 'social' of men. Oddly, for an actor, I am awkward in public settings like at a bar or at a party. On stage or on camera, I am the bee's knees. In person, I am awkward and shy. So, naturally, these social milieu (bars, parties, church, etc.) have not been my primary options to meet men for romantic or other reasons (like hooking up). I've generally used social media (back in the old days, personal ads, later BBS's or IRC Chat, and now, Daddyhunt, Silverdaddies, and some of those phone apps designed for such social connections). These have worked pretty well for me. I met my longest term 'ex' (the one who lives 80 feet away with the fat, nelly, skeez he cheated on me with when I was away at the war) I met through an ad in the local alternative newspaper. Sam, my most recent love, I met on Daddyhunt. As you've likely read in my previous writing, we met solely with the intention of being 'hookup buddies'. It just turned out to be more. A great deal more, for which I'll always be glad.
Anyway, I had forgotten during my time away, just how vicious and cutting online dating can be.
Below is a list of comments I've received on the various venues on which I've posted profiles or personal ads specifying that I seek to meet younger men with whom to go on social dates:
"In reality you are just an old man looking for a young dude to fuck", hooperkeelan@yahoo.com
"Is that your real head of hair or hair club for men?", blakenewhere@gmail.com
I could go on and on, but you get the point. Between flames like this; the often asked question, 'are you generous'; and, the 'dates' that are supposed to be social but end up with, "...well, if you ever want a blow job, let me know." It is enough to give a guy a complex.
Yes, to many I am an 'old man', though compared to back in my day when 30 meant death, 50 really does seem the new 30, as they say. And yes, I most certainly like to fuck younger dudes. Who doesn't? Is there something wrong with that, I mean, as long as they are of an appropriate age, of course, and as long as they are just as interested in me doing so. I don't judge what other consenting adults do in the privacy of their bedrooms, why do others? Yes, I do have a full head of curly dark (though mostly gray at this point) hair. It is, like it or not, all my own. Every single curly, dark, graying strand of it. And yes, I am (to some, but then aren't we all) 'fugly and old'. But, isn't that all a matter of taste? Get over it. Don't those guys who take the time to write such unpleasant things to total strangers have better things to do? I know I certainly do.
I don't know about you, gentle reader, but I have a very full and busy life. I have an ancient house that is always in need of repair; a crazy dog that always needs some attention; multiple jobs; etc. I just don't understand how folks like this have the time, let alone the predisposition, to be so nasty to someone they don't know. When I am writing a profile, or placing a person ad, I work very hard to be very clear about what I seek. I tailor the titles of the ads to attract the attention of only those folks with complimentary interests.
As to being 'generous', sorry. I am not. While I certainly see nothing wrong with exchanging money for sex, I wouldn't do it, but if that is how someone who chooses to make a living, fine. If there are guys out there who wish to pay for that service, even finer. I am a really, 'live and let live' kind of guy. But doesn't it seem a tad presumptuous to assume because I am an older guy, I must therefore be more than happy to open my wallet so that some young guy will then open his legs or his mouth?
I see nothing wrong with arranging to give a stranger a blow job. Not really my thing (well, I am a top, of course; but I mean, casual, meet online sex of some sort, not necessarily one particular type of, sex act or another), but for heaven sake, if that is what you want to do, say that. Don't dick around and act like you want to meet for 'coffee' to explore being friends or as a sort of a 'date' when all you want is to get on your knees and suck my wang. It is demeaning that you'd waste both my time and yours. Be direct. Isn't it more efficient to ask for what you seek up front? Aren't you more likely to get the desired end result if you deal with folks seeking the same?
Sigh. I don't know if it is an age thing, or quality of life thing, or what. But, I am really sensitive about the wastage of time these days. I try not to waste mine. Or if I do, it is because I decide to do so, which is my choice. Like taking a nap on a perfectly good sunny summer day. Here in Seattle, such days are precious and few. But, it is my time to waste, after all. If I want to nap when I should be at the beach or the park, so be it.
Life is too short. It should be savored and full of joy and happiness. It needn't be about negativity and meanness. I prefer to date younger guys. You don't like it, tough. Don't date me. Some younger guys seem to prefer dating older guys. Again, you don't like it, tough. It's their lives, not yours. This judging of people for silly reasons like this is not, I think, what we should be focusing our time upon. Look, don't get me wrong, I do a bit of judging myself. That doesn't make it okay. I also work really hard to try and not be as judgmental and self-righteous as might be my nature (if you'd grown up with a Mom like mine, you'd have a hard time with this too). Nobody is perfect and most folks, I am convinced, have a sense of their own 'issues'. Any such issues are theirs to work through, not yours about which to make judgment. To those haters out there, get a life.
Almost exactly 31 years ago I did something that has effected all aspects of my life...I took the following oath, "I, THIS DADDY, do solemnly swear that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; and that I will obey the orders of the President of the United States and the orders of the officers appointed over me, according to regulations and the Uniform Code of Military Justice. So help me God. I swear That I am fully aware and fully understand the conditions under which I am enlisting."
At the time I was a callow, very religious young man. I was also a total homo. I knew it as much back then as I do now. I'd never done anything about it, I was only 17, after all, and I was hoping against hope that I'd change. In my heart of hearts I knew I wouldn't, but still, young men are, as you know, quite idealistic. I knew at the time that being gay and being in the military were, in many ways, antithetical. I've often been asked about the dichotomy of swearing that oath, yet at the same time disobeying an order, i.e. being gay. For me it boils down to this: I come from a military family and service, gay or not, for me was never in doubt. I just never thought it would last for as long as it has.
In my time, I've been both on active duty and served as a reservist. I've traveled the world, spying on the godless commies. I've tracked terrorists in the Pacific Rim. I've served with coalition partners, always impressed with their patriotism and professionalism. I've met some amazing people and risen to a position of authority, of which that 17 year old could only have dreamed. Not in the grand scheme of things, am I any big deal, but lets just say that most of the folks with whom I interact when in uniform are required to salute me and call me, 'Sir'. And what daddy doesn't like that?
As of 1201 (0001, as we call it), 20 SEP 2011, one significant aspect of my service will change: I can serve openly as a gay man. It isn't like most of my friends haven't figured it out. I mean, while I am on the masculine end of the spectrum, I've never taken a date to a function. I've never been married and nobody has ever met any of my 'significant others'. And, at my age and length of service, it isn't like I've been trying very hard to hide it. What were they gonna do if they found out, make me retire? I was ready to do that anyway. Still, I have served my entire adult life. The thought of not doing so scares me a little. I don't know how not to serve. At one point, during a security clearance investigation, I was even outed. Talk about traumatic. For a while there, it seemed like my whole military career would collapse. Thankfully, for reasons too complicated to explain here, it didn't.
Still, every career must end at some point. And, like it or not, my time is nearing. A very wise man once told me, "Don't leave until they make you leave. Because once it is over, it is over." He didn't actually mean to wait until someone threw me out. Rather, he was just saying that I'd better be damned sure I was ready to leave and to leave only on my own terms. Now, that is the case.
How much longer will I stay in? Who knows? I am so senior, much of the fun has gone out of it. As much as I like and respect many of my comrades, man are those guys and gals rednecks. That "redneckedness" can be hard to take. Now, though, I no longer have to worry about someone finding out I like boys and narking on me. Not that there aren't other reasons I might leave the service, my weight, the fact that there are very few jobs available for someone at my rank. But at least this reason is no longer valid.
Will I make a big deal about coming out, like bringing a male date to an official function and such? No, probably not. That isn't in my nature. Am I proud of the military for finally doing the right thing, absolutely. It often takes a long time, but for all its faults, the military does tend to do the right thing in the end. I am just glad they are doing it on my watch.
My God bless you. And may God bless the United States of America!
Really? If you believe that, have you looked at all the ads on Craigslist lately for guys looking for "daddies" or "Bro's"? Have you popped onto Silverdaddies or Daddyhunt, or GrayDate and seen just how many 'hunters' or 'boys' post to those sites looking for older guys to date or with whom to have sex.
Okay, I get it. Trust me, I do. Gay society marginalizes older men in general. That is hardly news. Remember, I was young once, no matter how hard that might be to believe. But it (if there is such thing as an 'it' as it relates to gay society) is also critical of younger guys who actively seek to date older guys. The peer pressure that is placed on a younger man who prefers the company of older men is intense.
Being an older dude who dates younger, I've seen this first hand. Intergenerational dating can be tough, especially socially. Introducing each other to family and friends can be extremely awkward for both the older and younger man. When Sam (the young man to whom this blog is dedicated and about whom my experience of having dated I often write) and I first started dating, we spent most of our time alone. Just him, me, the house, and the dog. And, like any relationship, we spent a lot of time (and I do mean a lot) in bed. Like any serious relationship, though, at some point the relations evolves to include things other than the physical. You begin to develop joint interests, etc. Then, of course, as the relationship continues to develop, there comes a time when it is appropriate to introduce your new love to your friends and family. This prospect can be daunting.
Sam is, if nothing else, a confident young man. This, amongst many, is a quality of his I greatly admire. Still, the first time it came to include me in a social event with his friends, he was nervous. He didn't tell me this, of course, until afterward, but the experience was, he assured me later, quite nerve wracking. His friends, mostly from his college days, were visiting from out of town. As he'd not seen them in a long time, and as they'd known he had been dating one of their peers, he had no idea how they'd react to him showing up to dinner with a guy old enough to be his father and introducing him as, 'my boyfriend'. He was, he later related, relieved that they seemed to accept me and that the evening went well. Looking back, I think one of the reasons it went so well was because it was clear how crazy he was about me and I him. Love works in mysterious ways, now doesn't it?
I had similar experiences when introducing him to my friends. I remember the time we had dinner with some friends who are sort of like surrogate parents. I was in the process of buying the little house by the big lake and the topic of mortgages came up. Sam, in his inquisitive way, started asking many questions, one of which was, 'just what is a mortgage and how does it work anyway (remember, Sam grew up in a hippy commune, living in a yurt)?' My friends, ever polite, explained. Afterward though, they asked, 'Is he so young he really doesn't know what a mortgage is? Or was he kidding?' I assured them that he wasn't kidding, though he does have quite a sense of humor. Similarly, when he came along to dinner with another couple with whom I am friends, when he got up to go the bathroom, they said things like, "He is very cute, very funny and smart. But he is so young, it can't be serious. You are crazy if you think it could be."
Crazy, maybe. But aren't all relationships a little crazy? Aren't all relationships about taking risks? Like any kind of relationship, older/younger ones have their own share of dysfunction. There are too many older guys out there who prey on younger ones, looking to exploit their innocence and youth. There is no shortage of older guys who want to control the lives of any younger guy they date. It happens. Alternatively, there are many, many younger guys who want a 'sugar daddy' whose resources they can exploit. There are also those younger guys who seek some sort of replacement parent. Are any of these patterns healthy? No. Will any of them result in happiness or relationship success, no. But does that mean that there is anything wrong in older/younger relationships, no. At least not when both parties go into the relationship with the best of intentions.
If such a relationship is not for you, then it isn't. If it is for me, then it is. You go your way, and I'll go mine. There are many reasons why older guys are attracted to younger guys and younger are attracted to older. Some reasons are good, some not so good. But, that is for the two people in the relationship to decide. Not their friends or family. Don't let the judgments of others influence your choice in romantic partners. If you do, you will likely end up unhappy. The heart (and yes, the dick) wants what it wants. Nothing wrong with that. Remember that.
I recently went to a reunion of sorts. It was for the service members with whom I had served in various military reserve units located in the Pacific Northwest during the 80's and 90's.
Upon arrival, it was nice to see some old familiar faces and chat with the men and women with whom I'd served so proudly. As with any such event, there were displays of various kinds, memorabilia, memorials to those we'd lost over the years, etc. On one table lay a stack unmarked proofs of the access badge photos for many former members. A former colleague and I, each with a drink in hand (a common occurrence amongst old sailors like myself), decided to look at them together. As we viewed the array of pictures, we'd each take turns pointing at a picture, naming those faces we remembered. We also took turns reminding each other of the names of those not remembered. At one point, after we'd looked at almost all of the pictures and between the two of us, named almost everybody, I pointed at one of the remaining pictures. I was both honestly wondering just who in the hell was that guy, and thinking, 'he was sort of cute, I ought to remember him.' My friend took one look at the picture, his immediate response: 'that is you, you idiot'. I was completely non-pulsed, I had no idea that was me. And, I certainly had no recollection of ever having been that cute.
Upon reflection, I think that experience is indicative of the disconnect most of us have between how we see and perceive ourselves and how others do so. Maybe it is just me, but I have never had a very good sense of how I look to others. On a good day, I'd say I am passably attractive, for a guy my age, if a bit bearish and rumpled looking. If you've read some of my previous posts, you may remember that I am a rather casual fellow, who doesn't iron his attire, except for his uniforms, and gets all of his clothes at COSTCO. I am hardly the epitome of the stylish, middle-aged, gay man. Even on a bad day, I don't look like a gargoyle and I do still have most of my hair. Still, it is clear, at least to me, that even on one of the rare good days, I most likely only appeal to that narrow segment of our society who find stocky, hairy, older, bearish guys appealing.
I am not my type at all, so I have historically always struggled with the idea of anybody in their right mind finding me attractive. Even in the face of evidence to the contrary in the person of all of those hot boys with whom I've shared my bed lo these many years. Those who know me would be happy to assure you that Sister Mary Sunshine, I am not. But of the many positive things that aging can bring, perspective is one of the most important. At my advanced age, I turn 49 in less than a month, I have learned, after many years of struggling to do so, that I need to give myself a break. I mean, for heaven's sake, if I don't do it, who will? You? We get enough negativity from others, it is only sadistic for us to heap additional negativity upon ourselves. We all have things we need to fix, or at least acknowledge and work to improve them. But those things in no way indicate that we are beyond saving.
Aging, like life, happens. Get over it. Give yourself a break. You aren't as ugly, stupid, mean, cynical, hard to deal with (whatever negative imprint you wish to enforce upon yourself) as you might think. Well, you might be, I suppose, but I doubt it. You aren't going to be everyone's cup of tea, granted. And, especially if you socialize on the internet (the topic of an upcoming blog entry), some folks might not be that shy of affirming that for you. But life is too damned short to add to the negative energy the universe (in this case gay society) foists upon us.
Am I always strong enough to follow this advice myself? No. Nobody is one hundred percent all the time, well, unless they are a megalomaniac. Trust me, after diving back into the dating pool, keeping up my confidence up can be a tough slog. But we each need to recognize this problem of negative reinforcement and build strategies for dealing with it. For me, I'll be honest, therapy and medications help. For you, it might be yoga, veganism, who knows?
Old dudes, you've gained a lot of maturity and experience over the years, leverage them and make them work in your favor. Young dudes, look to your elders, like This Daddy, and take a page from our book. Look, life sucks then ya die. Wouldn't you rather die with a smile on your face? I would. If I've learned anything over all these years, it is that I just don't have time for the negativity, I don't have space for it. Do you? Probably not. I wish I'd figured this out long ago. Old dudes, it is never too late to learn this lessen. Young dudes, it is never too early.
The following comment was posted on a website I often visit:
Submitted by (user ID redacted to protect his/her privacy) on Fri, 2011-08-05 20:48
I read these profiles from men in their 50s, 60s and 70s, with their preferred age for perspective partner to be 21 - 35? Not to be judgmental, but what does a 50 year old have in common with a 20 year old?
It seems to me that many of the profiles that I read are very limiting. I'd like a man that cares and treats me with respect, has my back, calls when he says that he will. And isn't afraid of communication, and intimacy. In the meantime, I continue to enjoy my life, friends, and family. And hope that someday soon, our paths will cross.
If you've read any of my writings before, you know how frustrated I get when people feel it appropriate to dictate to others to whom it is they should be attracted. Don't get me wrong, I can be as judgmental as the next guy, some might argue even more so, but not about this. It seems a waste of time, energy and effort to spend time railing against other users because of their stated 'limits'.
As you may know, I met my last beau (we spent a delightful 2.5 years together) on Daddyhunt. He was 24 and I was 46 when we met. Despite this huge gap in ages, this was the healthiest, happiest, most successful relationship in which I've ever found myself. It only ended because he left to move across the country, to a place he'd always hankered to live for graduate school. At the end, we were happier, more content, and more comfortable with each other than ever. Oddly, we seemed to have a lot in common, despite the huge age gap. Was he my 'type', no, not exactly (he is hairy and has a beard, neither of which, for example, are big favorites of mine.) Is he a unique fellow, unique enough to make the age gap almost unimportant, yes. Might I have missed out on this great relationship had I not been willing to 'flex' a bit in my tastes, sure. But one of the reasons it worked so well was that there was when we met (and remained until the end) one thing: attraction. He was attracted to me, and I to him. Would he have been attracted to me if I was a tall, skinny, smooth guy in my 20's? No. Would I have been attracted to him had he been a stocky, hairy bear in his 50s or 60s? No. But there is 'flexing' and flexing. So if by 'limiting', the writer meant that people limit themselves by expressing a desire to make connections (sexual, romantic, social, etc.) with someone to whom they are attracted, I have to politely and respectfully disagree.
I think it is perfectly reasonable for the profiles on dating/hook-up sites to be 'limiting'. The difference between a friendship and a romance is some level of attraction. Dating websites exist so that members can be specific, upfront, and direct about what they want. If not, what is the point of writing profiles and posting pictures? In the case of those sites which cater to intergenerational dating, what is the point of identifying as either a 'daddy' or a 'hunter'? One doesn't go to a Toyota website shopping for a station wagon, if one is really okay buying a Chevy convertible. I agree that some people have unrealistic expectations, some being so unrealistic as to prevent any connections at all. I also believe that people tend to have a broader 'range' of tastes than they often express in their profiles. I must respectfully disagree, however, that by stating a preference one is 'limiting' oneself. My young man was actually dating someone his own age when we met. They were good friends and had much in common, some would say that was an ideal situation to make a relationship flourish. But, there was zero passion. My young man was online one day on a 'daddy/hunter' site. I'd seen him online before and always been curious (despite the fur and the beard, he had a beautiful smile), so I sent him a message. He responded immediately, telling me he'd viewed me many times, but hadn't wanted to respond because he didn't think he met my stated 'criteria' (that, a form of self-limiting, which if you've read me before you also realized I find frustrating.) We chatted, arranged to meet, and BANG, immediate attraction which quickly developed into love. People don't form romantic relationships with others because they are nice, or smart, or the 'right' type of person. They form romantic relationships with people to whom they find themselves attracted, those other qualities enhancing the relationship, making it more likely to work. Attraction comes in many forms, part physical and part other more intangible stuff. It's true, relationships often do work best and tend to last longer when people have things in common. But if it was only the 'intangible' stuff that mattered and not the physical, dating in all forms would be completely different. Like it or not, good or bad, right or wrong, gay society has developed a common set of 'standards' for what dictates attractiveness. People visit sites which cater to those wishing to 'limit' themselves in some way or other. That is for what such websites exist. They are designed for people with complimentary attractions to make social connections. So it doesn't bother me at all to see guys posting what they seek and that what they seek tends to mirror that common set of standards. It does bother me, however, that so many users on these sites seem to think they can dictate to others how to think or act, or that by their shear will they can change the nature of human attraction. To me, that is purely a waste of time and energy. Wouldn't their time be better spent punching up their profiles, or perhaps looking for the profiles of others with whom there might be some sort of 'spark'? I think so.
Okay, it is finally happening. The boy I have loved for the last 2.5 years is leaving me to move across the country to go to graduate school. I knew it would happen, he knew it would happen. As I've mentioned previously, we both acknowledged from the start that he was too young (mid-twenties) and too unstable for us to have a ‘serious’, long-term relationship. It surprised both of us that we became so attached. Even knowing and acknowledging these facts, I had no idea how painful it would be for me to lose him. I told myself all along, "this has been a good learning experience, it has taught you that love comes when you least expect it and isn't always found in the ways one tends to think." I told myself I'd be strong, supportive, and give him my blessings. I've gotta tell you, I am trying hard, but doing those things is much easier said than done.
Most people would think us an odd couple. Me, a short, stocky, graying, cranky, conservative, military officer, with OCD and a tendency towards anxiety, old enough to be his father. Him, a scruffy, uber-liberal, nature boy, not into bathing, who reads Kant for fun, studies vegetarian cooking, meditates daily, studies at a Buddhist monastery, and does kettle bell workouts in his underwear in my back yard. Still, it worked for us. We always enjoy being together. He brought a buoyancy to my life I've never experienced in a relationship before. Even after 2.5 years, he still thinks I am one of the sexiest man he's ever met; a most amazing lover; and, a loving, genuine guy. I've tended to date really 'regular' guys, with very 'internal' personalities. You know the kind I mean, those 'still waters run deep' kind of guys. The type of guys who internalize everything and who, while telling me they love me, insisting that they doing so, in spite of who I am, rather than for who I am. Not Sam. He takes me as I am. Oh, don't get me wrong, he doesn't like everything about me. But, in accepting me for who I am, he's made me want to be a better person; to be more easy going; less stressed; and, to be more loving and patient. Sort of like how playing a sport with someone much better tends to raise your game, his willingness to look past some of the bad qualities (not ignore them, or pretend the don't exist, mind) to see the 'real' me, made me become a 'better' me. More like the me I've always wanted to be.
In some ways, even after dating since the mid-eighties and having several serious, long-term relationship, this has been the most mature and healthiest relationship I've ever had. I knew he was special on our first date. I am very, VERY Italian. I have a temper. That temper gets inflamed when I am under a great deal of stress. Having offered to help me move into my then new home as part of our first, serious date, he got a full taste of that temper, all due to the stress and anxiety of moving. Making a great effort to work on this problem, I developed a strategy. That strategy was, when I could see myself getting all wrought up, I'd acknowledge it, and tell whomever I was dealing with, "Look, I suffer from an anxiety disorder, which manifests itself as irritation. I am not irritated with you, but the situation, so perhaps we should have this interaction another time." While we worked, I could see my anxiety level was rising, and so was my bitchiness level. So at one point I said something like, "this isn't going to work. I am too grumpy and stressed to be around right now, we should probably just cancel and get together another time." His response, "No. I told you I would help you move some of this stuff, so I will. When we are done, we are going to talk about what a d*ck you are being right now, and you aren't ever going to treat me like that again. But, for now, let's finish moving, and discuss this later." Which is exactly what we did. This young man, in spans of years, the youngest guy I've ever dated, handled the situation in a very mature way, much differently than guys closer to my age might have done. I had a buddy once who said of his wife, "My wife is such a bitch. God, I love her." What did he mean by that? Well, as he explained it, he acknowledged that she wasn't the easiest person with whom to get along. But, she was also a good wife and a loving mother, with a good heart under all the 'bitchiness'. Well, I guess, I am sort of like that. I am gruff and cranky, and when stressed, I get very snappish. I don't like these qualities and I work to tame them, but they exist. By acknowledging them, telling me when I was being a d*ck, yet giving me more credit for the good parts of my character and personality than for the bed, Sam made me feel loved for who I am, not in spite of it. It turns out, that simple difference between him and my other serious partners has made all the difference.
You might ask, I know I have, "Well, just because he is leaving, does that mean you have to break up?" For us, the answer is, unfortunately, 'yes'. We both know that once he starts his new life on the East Coast, he'll get completely wrapped up in it and his 'old' life will fall away. He'll be gone for at least three years and has no intention of returning to Seattle even when he finishes his program.
Was our time together always smooth, no. Was I well and truly loved, yes. I've got to tell you, I'll be miserable when he leaves. It will be very hard to remind myself that the pain I am experiencing was worth the joy we've shared over the last couple of years. Trust me, though, worth it, it has been.
Slightly modified, the song lyrics below, words by Betty Comden and Adolph Green and Music by Jule Styne, speak to how I am feeling as I write this blog entry.
The party's over
It's time to call it a day
They've burst our pretty balloon
And taken the moon away
It's time to wind up the masquerade
Just make our minds up, the piper must be paid
The party's over
The candles flicker and dim
We danced and dreamed through the night
It seemed to be right just being together
Now we must wake up, all dreams must end
Take off our makeup, the party's over
It's all over, my friend
It's time to call it a day
They've burst our pretty balloon and taken the moon away
Now we must wake up, all dreams must end
Take off our makeup, the party's over
It's all over, my friend
It's all over, my friend
Sam, I love you very much. Thanks for loving me. Have a happy and fulfilled life. Nana and I will miss you. Be a good boy.
